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TheOnion.100.txt
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'No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Trump Warns Removing Confederate Statues Could Be Slippery Slope To Eliminating Racism Entirely
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Roy Moore Retires From Politics To Spend More Quality Time With Someone's Kid
Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March
Mike Pence Disappointed God Has Never Asked Him To Kill One Of Own Children
Logan Paul: 'I Didnt Realize People Who Commit Suicide Kill Themselves'
RNC: 'We Warned You Gay Marriage Would Be A Slippery Slope Toward Accepting Pedophilia'
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce
Panicked Donald Trump Jr. Tries To Cover Up Contact With WikiLeaks By Deleting Firefox Icon From Desktop
Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment
My Doctor Told Me I Should Vaccinate My Children, But Then Someone Much Louder Than My Doctor Told Me I Shouldnt
Next-Level Gaming: The New Call Of Duty Will Penalize Players For Shooting Nazis Who Are Actually Very Fine People
I Was Never Able To Accept My Sons Autism Until I Monetized It Through Blogging
Study reveals lobsters feel pain and get off on it like the kinky little perverts they are
Fox News Struggling To Attract Younger 60-75 Demographic
Man Worried New Jumanji Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995
PatriotHole: Liberal Hypocrites: Why Are Dems Criticizing Roy Moore When PEDO PREZ Barack Obama Is Still Married To FORMER TEENAGER Michelle Obama?
Elon Musk Offering $1.2 Billion In Grants To Any Project That Promises To Make Him Feel Complete
Report: Uttering Phrase Easy Does It Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture
Oh God, What Happened Last Night? Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife
Trump: We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored
GOP Makes Good On 2009 Promise To Block President's Healthcare Bill
White Guy Held Accountable For Crime
WWE Staff Forced To Shoot Aggressive Wrestler After Child Climbs Into Steel Cage
Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy
Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away.
'Repealing Net Neutrality Will Help Spur Innovation' Announces Face Of Ajit Pai Blaring From Every Computer Screen In Nation
Trump Vehemently Denies Using Word 'People' To Describe African Immigrants
Touching: The NRA Is Releasing A Commemorative Line Of AR-15 Rifles To Raise Money For The Victims In Parkland
Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person
Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-AnxietyLife-Anxiety Balance
Papa Johns Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President
Life: Heartwarming: When Steven Tyler Found Out There Was An Aerosmith Fan With Only 2 Weeks To Live, He Suggested A Bunch Of Better Bands She Should Check Out
Olympic Drug Testing Official Left Horribly Disfigured After Coming Into Contact With Russian Urine
Devastating: This Guy Knows Exactly How Black People Should Act Around Police Officers, But He Has No Black Friends To Tell About It
Everyone In Middle East Given Own Country In 317,000,000-State Solution
Trump: 'It's My Honor To Deliver The First-Ever State Of The Union'
Presidential Fitness Test Now Awarded To Any Kid Who Can Eat Without Sweating
Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem
News: Not Messing Around: J.K. Rowling Just Threatened To Write A Short Story Where Harry Potter Drowns In A Septic Tank At Woodstock 99 If Fans Dont Do Something Big For Her Birthday
Experts Warn Repeated Attempts At Eradicating Obamacare May Have Created Ultra-Resistant Super Law
Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early
Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month
Game Of Thrones Viewers Reeling After Finale Unexpectedly Kills Off Fan
Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way
World Doesn't Even Know Who To Admire Anymore After Tom Hanks Murders 5
Fox News Struggling To Attract Younger 60-75 Demographic
Report: Only 3% Of Conversations Actually Need To Happen
Life: Fuck It: Lets Rank The Religions
Looking Back On The Worst 365 Days Of Donald Trump's Presidency
Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating
Life: Heartwarming: After This Teen Died From Cancer, The Rock Stepped Up And Took The Blame For All The Pornography Found On His Computer
News: You Go, Girl: Just 3 Weeks After Her Badass Golden Globes Speech, Oprah Has Become The Dictator Of Venezuela After Leading A Successful Military Coup
Man Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To
Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence
News: Taking A Stand: Congress Has Passed A Bill Making It Illegal To Sell Firearms To The Las Vegas Shooter
Being A Senator Means Making Tough Decisions That Aren't Always Popular, Smart, Politically Viable, Or Beneficial To Your Constituents
Teacher Frustrated No One In Beginner Yoga Class Can Focus Chakras Into Energy Blast
Budweiser Unveils Social Anxiety Bottle With 900% More Label To Pick At
Successful U.S. Airstrike Kills 30 Iraqis Who May As Well Have Been Terrorists
'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather'
Mike Pence Condemns Female Senators For Wantonly Sharing Senate Floor With Male Colleagues After Dark
News: Life After The White House: Obama Just Launched His First Drone Strike As A Civilian
Life: Probably Bullshit But Still A Little Scary: Ethan Is Claiming That His Super Soaker Is Filled With Pee
Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanics Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
Ill Make Those Bastards Pay, Teary-Eyed Mueller Whispers Into Locket Containing Photo Of James Comey
Sullen Jeff Sessions Scrolls Through Minority Incarceration Statistics To Cheer Self Up
Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World
New Poll Finds 80% Of Americans Would Just Fucking Destroy A Pan Of Brownies
Probably Bullshit But Still A Little Scary: Ethan Is Claiming That His Super Soaker Is Filled With Pee
Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked
Nation Surprised It Took So Long For Primaries To Weed Out Candidate With Genuine Principles
I Put On A Fat Suit To Understand What Its Like To Be Your Mom
Kevin Spacey Responds To Assault Allegations By Seeking Treatment For Homosexuality
Electoral College Does What It Was Either Designed To Do Or Explicitly Designed To Prevent
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos: My Advice To Anyone Starting A Business Is To Remember That Someday I Will Crush You
Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy
When Will The Idiots On The Other End Of The Political Spectrum Wake Up And Have Every One Of My Life Circumstances, Daily Interactions, And Upbringing?
Fucking Weird: This Couple Has 8 Children And They Arent Even Religious Or Anything
Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack
Area Man Afraid Some Woman Might Come Out Of The Woodwork To Hold Him Accountable For Something
Mitch McConnell Reminds Senators That They'll Have To Make Up Government Shutdown Days At End Of Year
My Doctor Told Me I Should Vaccinate My Children, But Then Someone Much Louder Than My Doctor Told Me I Shouldnt
News: Is Harvey Weinsteins Matt Lauer Biopic Starring Louis CK In Trouble?
New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career
Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player
Kids Getting A Little Old To Still Believe In Innate Charitable Goodness Of Humans
Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfriend
Trump Comforts Grieving War Widow By Assuring Her He Will Never Die
In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?
You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President
Half-Dressed Man Frantically Scrambles Out Of Home After Hearing Toyotathon Deals Won't Last Long
Heartbroken Russian Ambassador Thought Special Meetings With Jeff Sessions Were Very Memorable
Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone
Without Them You Could Buy Anything, Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family
Last Male Heir To Bloodline Watches Movie Alone On Laptop
Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition
Tupperware Will Never Truly Recover From Red Curry Leftovers
Local Church Full Of Brainwashed Idiots Feeds Towns Poor Every Week
Study Finds Flushing Toilets Wastes Billions Of Gallons Of Piss And Shit Annually
Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses
Flustered Mathematician Unable To Recommend Good Number
Bassist Has Little Riff Ready To Go In Case Frontman Goes Around Introducing Everyone
Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustnt Inquire About The Businesses, For Hes Sworn Not To Tell
Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference
Breitbart Criticized For Publishing Humanizing Profile Of Libtard Beta-Cuck
Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House
News: A Public Nuisance: Barack Obama Was Kicked Off Of A White House Tour For Shouting, I Already Know That, After Everything The Tour Guide Said
Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife
Taco Bell Unveils New Taco With Shell Made From Doritos Bags
Family Without Candy Sits Huddled In Darkened House Like Londoners During The Blitz
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes
Local Dipshit Planning On Fighting Trump Administration Through Art
Alabama Forced To Release Thousands Of Sex Offenders After Inmates Deny Charges
News: No Stone Unturned: Parents Of Missing Children Are Petitioning Shaq To Give His Suit Just One Good Shake In Case Their Missing Children Are Lost In There
School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested
Blog: Modern Video Games Are Giving Kids Unrealistic Standards For How Many Swords They Can Carry At One Time
News: A New Perspective: Rotten Tomatoes Will Begin Giving Movies A Score Based On The Opinions Of People Who Havent Seen The Movie But Generally Have A Good Idea Whether Something Will Be Good
Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other
Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm
News: Just Like Us: This Chimpanzee Shot Himself In The Head After The IRS Uncovered His Tax Fraud Scheme
Report: 87% Of U.S. Women Achieve Orgasm When Fantasizing About Gorton's Fisherman
Trump Supporter Has Few Backup Scapegoats Ready To Go In Case Crackdown On Immigrants Doesnt Fix Everything
7-Year-Old Unable To Maintain Single Cohesive Storyline While Playing With Action Figures
Female Barista Getting A Lot Better At Avoiding Touching Male Patrons Hands When They Pay
Black Man Blissfully Unaware His Name Going To Be Hashtag By End Of Week
Life: Hard To Watch: Chris Pine Accompanied This Terminally Ill Girl To Prom But Was Upstaged When Chris Pratt Accompanied An Even More Terminally Ill Girl To The Same Prom
Miracle of Birth Occurs for 83 Billionth Time
Baffled DNC Plant Roy Moore Not Sure What Else He Could Have Done To Defame Republican Party
Tesla debuts carless driver
News: Incredibly Shameful: The Trump Administration Has Spent More Than $6 Billion In Taxpayer Money On Swimming Lessons For Eric Trump
News: Good Fucking Luck: The Substitute Teacher Who Just Called A.J. Andrew John During Roll Has No Clue How Things Run Around Here
Man On Cusp Of Having Fun Suddenly Remembers Every Single One Of His Responsibilities
Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives
Convenience Store Employee Given Generous Holiday Bonus Shift
GOP Leaders Confident Theyll Have Cruelty Necessary To Pass Healthcare Bill
White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers
President Trump's Executive Order Shutting Down 'The Onion'
Blog: In A News Cycle Saturated With Mass Shootings, Its Becoming Harder And Harder To Stand Out As A Deranged Gunman
Americans Confused By System Of Government In Which Leader Would Resign After Making Terrible Decision
Area Man Remembers Less Politically Correct Time When Christmas Was About Honoring The Glory Of Saturn
Embarrassing: The U.S. Is Ranked 182nd In The World Alphabetically
Corporate Indifference: The McDonalds Training Manual Tells Employees To Rob A Different McDonalds On The Way Home To Earn Enough To Support Themselves
Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather'
Man Who Skipped Airports Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool Hes Been
Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons
Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Lasik Surgeries End In Laser Boring Through Eye, Incinerating Brain, Shooting Through Skull On Other Side
Senate Passes Blame By Vote Of 91-8.
Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty
'Parent Trap Producers Recall Euthanizing Lindsay Lohan Clone After Completing Filming
Man Embarrassed Thinking About Every Opinion He's Ever Articulated
Growing Fat-Earther Movement Believes Planet 2.4 Quintillion Pounds Overweight
Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead
Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam
Hanes Apologizes, Pulls T-Shirts From Shelves After Seeing How Local Man Looks In Them
Roy Moore Refusing To Withdraw From Alabama 13-Year-Old
Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car
Georgia Adds Swastika, Middle Finger To State Flag
Disgusted Researchers Cant Even Bring Themselves To Find Out How Much Mayo The Average American Consumes Yearly
5 Questions: Miley Cyrus Is, And Has Always Been, Far Too Weak On Trade With China: 5 Questions With Selena Gomez
New Study Finds 85% Of Americans Don't Know All The Dance Moves To National Anthem
News: Corporate Hubris: After Successfully Defeating Dandruff, Selsun Blue Has Announced Its Going After Cancer Next
Trump Boys Attempting To Tunnel From South Lawn To FBI Headquarters To Free Paul Manafort From Custody
Republicans Vow Not to Repeal Obamacare Without Detailed Plan For Disposing of Patients Disease Ridden Corpses
Russian Agent Disgusted With Things He Forced To Do To Pass Self Off As Reddit Commenter
Mike Pence Vows To Cut Conservation Funding After Discovering Elk Dont Mate For Life
Ob-Gyn Kind Of Annoyed She Has To Confirm Womans Premonition About Sex Of Baby That Came To Her In Dream
White House Staff Frantically Shredding Trump Campaign Aides
Old Friends From High School Meet Up Every Year To Say Names Of Former Classmates
Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign Logo Before Sundown
Motion Picture Academy Releases Complete List Of Films That Can Be Enjoyed Without Supporting Sexual Predator
Gwyneth Paltrow Tried To Survive A Week On Food Stamps And She Died
Aspiring Actor Dreams Of One Day Publicly Voicing Regret For Working With Woody Allen
Assistant Coach Finally Works Up Courage To Blow Whistle
Life: Making His Own Way: This College Student Refuses To Let His Parents Pay For Anything Outside Of Tuition, Rent, And Food
Trump Confident U.S. Military Strike On Syria Wiped Out Russian Scandal
Man Nostalgic For Simpler Era Of 20 Hours Ago
Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days
You Thought You Could Get Rid Of Me? Says Cassini Probe Emerging From Shadows To Confront Petrified NASA Administrator
Everyday Hero: When This Pregnant Woman Couldnt Find A Seat On A Train, This Man Decided To Stand On His In Solidarity
Trump Orders All Flags To Half-Staff In Honor Of American Killed On Episode Of Blue Bloods
Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now
Life: Ignorance Is Bliss: Scientists Have Announced That If Spiders Have Sex For Pleasure, They Simply Dont Want To Know About It
Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Reassurances That It Will Be Fun
Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start
Potential School Shooter Gunned Down By Popular Jock
They Said I Would Never Walk Again And I Really Have To Commend Them For Their Spot-On Diagnosis
Inspiring: This Progressive Bully Torments Transgender Students Using Their Preferred Pronoun
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Approve Of Child Labor Laws But Agree That Kids Carrying Briefcases Would Be Cute
90s Kids Rejoice! The End Of Net Neutrality Means The Return Of Dial-Up Speeds
News: Vigilante Justice Fail: Reddit Just Mistakenly Identified This 21-Year-Old Muslim College Student As Hurricane Irma
Detectives Overlooked Casey Anthony's 'I Killed My Daughter' AMA On Reddit
Mom Hasnt Said Full, Uninterrupted Sentence To Family Since 1997
Court Rules Meryl Streep Unable To Be Tried By Jury As She Has No Peers
Report: 750,000 Americans Die Each Year During First Attempt To Get Back In Shape
New Study Finds Youd Love Being Rich Asshole
Sudden Burst Of Confidence Not Sure Where The Hell It Came From Either
Video: Heartwarming! This Mans Wife Fell Into A Manhole 20 Years Ago And Every Day He Still Lowers A Rotisserie Chicken Into The Sewer For Her
Trump: I Am A Very Stupid Human Being
Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age
John Kelly Denies Any Knowledge Of Staffer's Misconduct That Will Break In Few Months Time
This Will Be The End Of Trumps Campaign, Says Increasingly Nervous Man For Seventh Time This Year
Justice Scalia Dead Following 30-Year Battle With Social Progress
Blog: Now That Trumps Cronies Are Starting To Fall, Its Only A Matter Of Time Before Everything Works Out Totally Fine For All Guilty Parties Involved
Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In
Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby
Life: Real Trooper: This 9-Year-Old Boy Is Doing A Pretty Good Job Staying Focused On Minecraft At This Sleepover While His Friend Gets Spanked By His Mom In The Other Room
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish
Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About
Nation Rallies Around Ronald McDonald Statue That Embodies Countrys True Heritage
Heartwarming! This Cop Cares So Much For The People In His Town That He Doesnt Kill Them!
A glimpse into the Female world of Web design: Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point.
News: Huge Blunder: Breitbart Accidentally Published Its Prewritten Article Template For Smearing Any Woman Who Accuses A Conservative Of Sexual Assault
Factory Farm Chicken Rounds Out Miserable Existence By Going Bad In Man's Refrigerator
Trump Trying To Figure Out How To Unsubscribe From Boring National Security Email List
Campaign Setback: Gary Johnsons Phone Is Almost Out Of Data
Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart
Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire
Historians Suggest Goodfellas YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work
News: Major Breach: Hackers Have Infiltrated Nick Jr.s Servers And Leaked Sensitive Peppa Pig Plotlines Containing Spoilers About The Importance Of Sharing
Leaked The Last Jedi Footage Reveals Chewbacca Balding Since The Force Awakens
New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn't Keep You Up
Nation's Police Officers Now Too Heavily Armed To Go Undercover Convincingly
NASA Designs Suit Capable Of Protecting Humans Hoping To One Day Live On Earth
Life: Faith Rewarded! This Man Went To Church Every Day For 20 Years And God Let Him Die In An Awesome Speedboat Accident
I Cant Do This Anymore, Think 320 Million Americans Quietly Going About Day
Life: 5 Honor Students Who Arent Such Hot Shit Now That Schools Out For The Summer
Bernie Sanders Clearly In Pocket Of High-Rolling Teacher Who Donated $300 To His Campaign
Equifax Impressed By Hackers Ability To Ruin Peoples Finances More Efficiently Than Company Can
Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
Blog: Now That Trump Is Ending The Senseless Ban On Elephant Trophies, My Wife Can Finally Get The Elephant Head Transplant She Desperately Needs To Live
Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration
Nation Too Sad To Fuck Even Though Its What Prince Would Have Wanted
News: Body Positivity Win: Boys Life Magazine Just Picked A Plus-Sized Boy For Its Annual Sexiest Boy Alive Issue
Rex Tillerson Blindsided By News He Still Works For State Department
Trump Raises Concern Over Members Of Urban Communities Voting More Than Zero Times
Area Man Accepts Burden Of Being Only Person On Earth Who Understands How World Actually Works
Must See: When This Dad Realized That He Couldnt Make It To His Sons T-Ball Game, He Anonymously Called In A Bomb Threat To Get The Game Canceled
Reddit Cracks Down On Toxic Users
Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies
Going Undercover: Jeff Sessions Has Disguised Himself As A Cartel Member And Strapped Himself With A Surveillance Wire In Order To Read The Wikipedia Entry For Marijuana
Obama Fills Out Lukewarm Glassdoor Review After Exiting Presidency
Report: 50% Of Heavens Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second
This Here Is Probably Our Bestselling Love Seat, Says Man Who Would Have Been Powerful, Revered Warrior 4,000 Years Ago
How Many Of These Brands Can You Recognize When We Take Away The Logo And Just Leave The Name?
Scientists Announce Shrimp Just As Dumb As They Thought
OxiClean Unveils New Stain-Removing Fabric Scissors
Body Positivity Win: This 14-Year-Old Boy Would Have Sex With Absolutely Anyone
Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
White House Begins Christmas Season With Ceremonial Lighting Of Cross
Swollen Rex Tillerson Spotted Rushing To Place Mouth Over Leaks Spouting In Keystone Pipeline
Exhausted Olympians Wake Up Early To Repeat Opening Ceremony For American Time Zones
Life: Heartwarming: This Super Dad Refuses To Leave The Casino Until He Wins His Daughters Tuition Money Back
Follow-Up Tests Confirm President Trumps 19 Other Personalities Also Perfectly Healthy
Nation To Wait For More Facts On Texas Shooting Before Doing Absolutely Nothing About It
Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House
Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity
Life: Uh Oh: Dans Death Must Have Been Really Gnarly If Everyone On Facebook Is Being So Vague About It
Biden Quietly Asks Obama To Pick Him Up Some Of Those Real Throwing Stars From Japan
The Onion Remembers Press Secretary Sean Spicer: A Valiant Hero In The War Against Journalism
Report: Dad Proud Of You; He Won't Say It, But It's True
Seasonal Depression Kicks In Just In Time To Numb Woman Before Holiday With Family
Startling Report Finds Evidence Democrats May Have Attempted To Influence 2016 Election
Video: I Didnt Ask For This: Meet The Man Who Has Osama Bin Ladens Old Cell Phone Number
Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In
Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot
Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death
Alcoholics Plan For Turning Life Around Doesnt Involve Getting Sober
Liberal Activists Encourage Citizens To Call Their Late-Night Hosts And Urge Them To Oppose Tax Plan
Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine
Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'
Life: The Kindness Of Strangers: When This Air Marshal Forgot To Bring His Gun On The Plane, This Amazing Passenger Let Him Have His
Cop Confident He'll Be Exonerated By Clear Video Evidence Of Him Shooting Defenseless Black Man
Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up
Man Keeps Memory Of Dead Teen Alive By Making Her Center Of Elaborate Political Conspiracy Theory
Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him
Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself
NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At Class For Entire School Day
Mark Zuckerberg Touts Complete Lack Of Cannibalism On Facebook Live So Far
News: Bad Timing: The GOPs Legislative Agenda Has Been Stalled Indefinitely After Paul Ryans Free Trial Of Microsoft PowerPoint Expired
New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive
Determined Circle Of Friends Diligently Traces Back How They Got Onto This Conversation Topic
Americans Hopeful This Will Be Last Mass Shooting Before They Stop On Their Own For No Reason
Man Pulling On Loose Hangnail Slowly Unravels Skin From Entire Body
Divorced Friend Burning Through New Hobbies At Unsustainable Rate
Tom Hanks Vows He Won't Stop Until He Has Portrayed Every Last American
Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job
Struggling High School Cuts FootballNah, Just Kidding, Art It Is
Life: This 14-Year-Old Is Already Graduating College With A Physics Degree, And Her 15-Year-Old Brother Is Just The Sweetest Boy And Were Very Proud Of Him As Well
Blog: Why Ive Decided To Take A Gap Year Before Joining ISIS
Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story
Dying Woman Sorry She Wont Get To See 37-Year-Old Son Grow Up
Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop
The Onion Formally Invites All Oscars Attendees To Our Official After-Party In The Village Of Sakteng, Bhutan
Im Trump All The Way, Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election
Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy
FCC Chair Unveils Premium Comment Line To Fast-Track Net Neutrality Complaints For $49.99 Per Month
Trump Calms Nerves Before Inaugural Address By Reminding Himself Hes The Only Person Who Actually Exists
Justice At Last! When This Girl Was Cyberbullied By A Classmate, The Internet Came Together And Got Her Bully To Commit Suicide!
Pile Of Dirty Clothes On Bedroom Floor Starting To Mix With Pile Of Clean Clothes On Bedroom Floor
Trump Administration Worried President Burning Through Minority Scapegoats At Unsustainable Rate
New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time
Blog: As A Woman, Watching Wonder Woman Served As A Beautiful Reminder That I Could Probably Kill Someone With A Sword
Life: Awesome: When This 8-Year-Old Girl Told J.K. Rowling That She Liked Harry Potter, The Author Said Yeah, No Shit
Poll Finds 30% Of Americans Still Undecided Whether To Vote Out Of Fear Or Spite
Blog: Every Time You Jump Into The Deep End To Save My Drowning Daughter Youre Actively Criticizing My Parenting
Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter
Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Whos Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At Midnight
Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020
Vegetarian Begins Sad, Private Routine Of Scanning Menu For Little Green Vs
Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement
United Airlines Offering Immigrants Special Flights That Circle U.S. Awaiting Gaps In Travel Ban
Biologists Confirm Foxes Sneakiest Little Fuckers In Animal Kingdom
Historians Discover Meditation Spread From Ancient China By Annoying Monk Who Wouldn't Shut Up About How It Changed His Life
Clinton Already Working On Follow-Up Book Casting Blame For Failures Of First
Video: Incredible: Soldier Surprises His Family By Returning To Afghanistan During His Sons Football Game
James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes
Trump Voter Feels Betrayed By President After Reading 800 Pages Of Queer Feminist Theory
Life: Touching: After Her Brother Passed Away, This Woman Took Over His Facebook Page To Continue Sharing Islamophobic Rhetoric
Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesnt Constitute Sexual Harassment
Sometimes It Feels Like Youre The Only One Who Understands Me, Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation
Life: 7 Signs Your Personal Trainer Is Sculpting You Into His Childhood Friend That He Left To Drown When The Lake Ice Started Cracking So He Can Finally Apologize
Obama Compiles Shortlist Of Gay, Transsexual Abortion Doctors To Replace Scalia
Democrats Unveil 324 Million New Slogans To Appeal To Each U.S. Resident Individually
No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown
News: Troubling Sign: Donald Trump Is Shaking Hands With A Pig That Has Corruption Written On It And Is Holding A Bag That Reads Kickbacks
How Could Harvey Weinstein Get Away With This? Asks Man Currently Ignoring Sexual Misconduct Of 17 Separate Coworkers, Friends, Acquaintances
Astronomers Caution Americans Not To Look Directly At Screaming Spirits Of The Damned During Solar Eclipse
Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
Great News For Ketchup: Political Scientists Say That The Outcome Of The Presidential Election Will In No Way Affect Ketchup
Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside
Trump Unable To Produce Certificate Proving He's Not A Festering Pile Of Shit
Life: Know Your Options: You Can Leave Any Meatball Sandwich That Youre Unable To Finish At Your Local Fire Department And They Are Required To Eat It, No Questions Asked
Man Who Stood And Watched Robbery Acted On Pure Instinct
Trump Blasts Critics Who Judge Neo-Nazi Groups By Most Extreme Members
Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
News: Animal Rights Win! A U.S. Court Just Ruled That If A Chimp Rips Your Face Off It Gets To Keep It
Life: Failing Our Children: This Public Schools Sex-Ed Class Doesnt Cover Ways To Drive Him Wild And Leave Him Begging For More
6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Womans Facebook Profile Picture
Nation Kept Up All Night By Sound Of Creaking Infrastructure
New Bomb Capable Of Creating 1,500 New Terrorists In Single Blast
Blog: You Never Fully Understand What Its Like To Have A Child With Autism Until You See One At The Park And Then Speculate About It With Your Spouse Later That Night
Antifa Organizers Announce Plans To Disrupt Neo-Nazi Rally Or Whatever Else Going On That Day
Bonobo Embarrassed After Walking In On Parents, Siblings, Cousins, Friends, Partner Having Sex
Frustrated Gunman Cant Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic
Mom Calling To Ask If She Can Throw Away 3-Ring Binder From Middle School
Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1
Progressive Company Pays Both Men And Women 78% Of What They Should Be Earning
Rain-Drenched Cat Announces It Ready To Stay Inside And Be Part Of Family
I Did Warn You Not To Get Me Started On The Shortcomings Of The Lego Indiana Jones Games
DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies
White Nationalist Movement: Myth Vs. Fact
Senator Struggling To Weigh Interests Of Entire Constituency Against Nothing
News: Cause For Concern: North Koreas Weapons Division Has Been Microwaving The Same Potato For 36 Hours
Secretary Clinton Is A Different Person Than Donald Trump, Says Bernie Sanders In Ringing Endorsement
Life: Wedding Bells! Two People Who Bullied You In High School Are Marrying Each Other
News: Staying Pure: Mike Pence Just Instructed His Secret Service Detail To Riddle Him With Bullets If His Hands Ever Go Below His Waist
Facebook Vows Not To Hand Over Users' Medical Records To Government
Police Officer Doesn't See a Difference Between Black or Light-Skinned Black Suspects
Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem
Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
Man Cant Believe Obama Would Use Tragedy To Push Anti-Tragedy Agenda
Life: Heartbreaking: This Soldier Returned Home After Serving 5 Years In Afghanistan To Find That His Wife Had Started Buying The Weird Kind Of Cereal
News: Ultimate Fan Experience: This Philadelphia Eagles Fan Walked In On The Whole Team Masturbating
Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him
Hillary Clinton Quietly Asks Bill If He Still Finds Her Electable
Outback Employees Return From Mandatory 6-Month Walkabout In Australian Wilderness
Man Returns To Work After Vacation With Fresh, Reenergized Hatred For Job
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Blog: Society Isnt Perfect, But Youve Got To Admit, Weve Made It Pretty Easy To Buy Gum
Crowd At Trump Rally Realizes Theyve Been Chanting We Are Frightened And Helpless For Last Half Hour
6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Womans Facebook Profile Picture
Damning Video Surfaces Of Trump Accepting GOP Nomination For President
GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill
Kate Upton Is Engaged And You Played Game Of War For Nothing
40 Year Old Has Spiky Hair
News: Almost There! Michael Phelps Is Close To Having Enough Gold Medals To Redeem Them For A Free Bike
So Help Me God, Im Going To Eat One Of Those Multicolored Detergent Pods
Depressed Cat Just Going Through Motions Of Destroying Couch
Life: This Ones On Her: This Woman Gave More Than $120,000 To An Online Dating Scammer Even Though The Guy Had Only Texted Her Hello And Never Asked Her For Money
Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight
Thousands Wait Overnight At Microsoft Stores For Second Generation Zune
Blog: I Just Turned 27, So I Guess Its Time To Start Describing Life As A Journey
Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work
Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren Assure Dreamers Theyll Never Stop Fighting For The 2020 Nomination
Man Already Has Whole Sentence Lined Up For Later In Conversation
Moderator Explains That GOP Will Have 2 Minutes After Every Trump Response To Distance Selves From Candidate
Samsung Smart TV Owner Learning About Majority Of Features From Leaked CIA Documents
Paul Ryan Mentally Logs 4,613th Missed Opportunity To Put Stop To All Of This
God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule
Child bankrupts Make A Wish Foundation for Unlimited Wishes
Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing Fetuses
News: Cryptocurrency Crash: The Value Of Bitcoin Has Cratered After Investors Pulled All Of Their Money Out And Put It Into Collecting State Quarters
Report: Nothing Stopping You From Deleting Your Facebook Account Right Now
Video: Diversity Win! These Men Are Wearing Motion-Capture Suits So Someone Who Knows How To Do Special Effects Can Turn Them Into Women Of Color
New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought
Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison
Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In
Quick Scan Of Room Confirms Area Man Once Again Sweatiest Person Present
Report: Most Americans Now Getting Their News While Peeking Out Between Fingers
Study: Depression Up Among Teenage Girls Able To Perceive Any Part Of World Around Them
News: Gaming Safety FTW: The Pokmon In Pokmon Go Will Now Scream When A Player Is Within A Mile Of A Registered Sex Offender
Nervous Voter Totally Blanks On American Values While Looking At Ballot
Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time
Must See: Finally! Khan Academy Now Offers A Course That Teaches You What Happens When You Dont Keep Your Fucking Mouth Shut
Report: Saying Smells Okay Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually
Kevin James Announces He Is Not Considering Late-Career Shift Towards More Dramatic Roles
Buddy System Responsible For Additional Death
Rob Porter Apologizes For Falsifying Number Of Wives He Beat On White House Resume
New Clinton Memoir: We All Made Mistakes But You Made Most Of Them
Man Feeling Pressure To Live Up To Conversation Between Barber And Customer In Next Chair
Worlds Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit
CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools
News: Debunked: The Photo Of Obama With A Speech Balloon Saying Islam Is My Main Thing Has Been Proven To Be Doctored
Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness'
Man Waiting To See How Few More Decades Of Racial Violence Play Out Before Taking Action
Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of Rurouni Kenshin Manga
Life: Big Relief: This Guy Who Got Drunk And Harassed A Woman Last Night Isnt Usually Like That
Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages
2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report
Report: Everyone Youve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And Theyre Waiting For You
Life: Beautiful: This Christian Became Best Friends With A Muslim And They Had A Nice Thing Going Until They Just Stopped Keeping In Touch
Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks
Diversity Win! Marvel Created A White Male Superhero Who Thinks Its Too Bad He Got Powers Instead Of A Latina Woman
High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself
Pope Francis Reverses Position On Capitalism After Seeing Wide Variety Of American Oreos
Football Saved My Life, Says Man Who Will Be Left Paralyzed By Sport
Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity
PatriotHole: Our Brave Savior: Donald Trump Is Working TIRELESSLY To Return The Precious White Orbs Obama STOLE From The FURIOUS Dwarf King That Lives Under America
Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown
Life: Body Positivity FTW: Finally Theres A Doll For Girls Who Have Long, Rectangular Bodies And Necks That Hinge Backwards
7-Year-Old Apparently Under Impression Everyone Knows Who The Fuck Aunt Dee-Dee Is
Congress Fiercely Divided Over Completely Blank Bill That Says And Does Nothing
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian
Life: Stay Alert: 6 Ways To Tell If The Email You Got From Scarlett Johansson Asking For Your Credit Card Info So She Can Buy Sex Gear For Your Love Carnival Is A Phishing Scam Or Not
If Donald Trump Pardons Me, I Would Be Honored To Serve As Secretary Of Agriculture
Insane Speed-Reader Tears Through 2,500-Word Warranty Agreement In 4 Seconds
News: Kind Of A Wash For Science: Bill Nye The Science Guy Completely Shut Down A Climate Change Denier But Then Talked For An Hour About How People Who Are Killed By Ogres Automatically Get Into Heaven
Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You're Single
Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles
'I Used To Look Up To You,' Shouts Anguished Flynn Jr. Running Out Of Room After Learning Father A Perjurer
God Admits He's Way Less Strict With Last Few Billion Children
Bruno Mars Takes Home Coveted Least Threatening Artist Award At 2018 Grammys
Area Woman Lovingly Lint Rolling Cardigan As If Tending To Prized Stallion
New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education
News: Gun Safety FTW! Walmart Is Releasing A Gun Storage Maze That Your Child Will Get Lost In For All Eternity Long Before They Ever Find Your Gun
Blog: Anyone Who Thinks Homosexuality Is Unnatural Clearly Hasnt Watched My Neighbors Really Go At It
News: Avoiding Conflicts Of Interest: Donald Trump Says That From Now On, If He Tries To Access Any Of His Businesses, A Chip In Mike Pences Skull Will Detonate
News: Faith In Humanity Restored! After These Students Were Defrauded Out Of Their Life Savings, Donald Trump Helped By Giving Them $25 Million
News: Heartwarming: Natalie Portman Just Announced That She Hopes All Sick Kids Get Better
Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story Hes Already Heard
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs Hes Carrying At Once
Affable Detective With Healthy Personal Life Hasn't Solved Case In Months
Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy
Nation Unable To Recall If Trump Said Hed Personally Fund Abortion Bombings Or If That Just Sounds Right
Heartfelt Apology Robs Man Of Cherished Grudge
Report: Poor People Pretty Much Fucked
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front
Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record
Depression Symptom Checklist Speaking To Area Man As No Poem Ever Could
I Put On A Fat Suit To Understand What Its Like To Be Your Mom
Buyer Of $450 Million Da Vinci Painting Sort Of Assumed It Would Come With Frame
Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest
Anthony Weiner Sends Apology Sext To Entire Clinton Campaign
Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo
Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort
News: Overconfidence? Hillary Clinton Has Already Started Hurling Trash Bags Full Of Her Clothes Over The White House Fence
God Clarifies That He Still Hates Cleveland Fans Despite Cavaliers Championship
Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed
Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt
Dennys Introduces New 3,000-Spider-Egg Omelet
Disgusted Supreme Court Can't Believe It Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected Under First Amendment
Mariana Trench Once Again Named Worst Place To Raise Child
Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report
Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy
Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms
News: Olympic Dreams Dashed: This Woman Could Have Trained Her Whole Life To Get Really Good At Gymnastics But She Didnt
Hacktivism Gone Too Far? Anonymous Just Leaked The Presidents Address
It Turns Out Enough Of You Have Googled Pikachu Breastfeeding Barack Obama For This To Be An Economically Viable List To Publish
Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop
Cleveland Indians Worried Team Cursed After Building Franchise On Old Native American Stereotype
Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son
Life: Beautiful: This Car Salesman Shaved $1,000 Off The Sticker Price Even Though It Wasnt Going To Win Him Any Friends At The Regional Office
Life: Embarrassing: Mug Has Recalled 40,000 Cases Of Root Beer That The CEO Just Wanted Back
Nation Wondering Why Struggling Mental Health System Can't Just Pull Itself Together
Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of ExGoldman Sachs Executives At White House
Trump Surrogate Enjoying Thrill Of Not Knowing What She Going To Be Defending Minute To Minute
Former Trump Advisor Carter Page Found Dumb In D.C. Hotel Room
Must See: Incredible! Lactaid Has Released A New After-Dinner Gun That Lactose-Intolerant People Can Shoot Themselves With If They Ingest Dairy
T.J. Maxx Recreates In-Store Shopping Experience With New Website That Randomly Scatters Products All Over The Place
Life: Reaching Across The Aisle: Democrats And Republicans Have Gerrymandered Around A Single Citizen Neither Party Wants
Video: Zelda: Breath Of The Wild Is A Masterpiece That Proves Japan Is Advanced Enough To Pull Off Another Pearl Harbor
FEC Extends Election By 7 Months To Give Nation Chance To Better Get To Know Candidates
Woman Pieces Together Timeline Of Boyfriends Past Relationships Like Detective Tracking Zodiac Killer
Major Disappointment: This Little Boy Wanted SpongeBob SquarePants At His Birthday Party, But His Parents Could Only Find A Square Man Who Claims That He Lives In The Ocean
Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing
News: Feminism FTW! Six Flags Just Announced That New Mothers Are Welcome To Breastfeed On Their Roller Coasters
EPA Promotes Pulsating Black Sludge To Deputy Director
Martin Shkreli Faces Rough Stay In Prison System Where Inmates Who Funded Hair Theft Are Lowest Caste
2018 Winter Olympics Cancelled Due To Inclement Weather
Life: Inspiring: This 95-Year-Old Woman Finally Got Her College Diploma And Is Now Moving Back In With Her Parents While She Figures Out Her Next Step
Kicking, Screaming Warren Buffett Dragged From Caesars Palace After Losing Everything At Roulette Wheel
Chemicals That Pushed Man's Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag
Life: Genius Marketing: Poland Spring Is Putting Apple Juice In Its Bottles Because It Tastes Better
Must See: Collectors Rejoice: PetSmart Is Bringing Back The Big Box Of Animals With 7 Mystery Animals Including 1 Guaranteed Classic
Ryan Lochte Admits Olympic Pool Much Wetter Than He Remembered
Trump Thinking Of Beginning RNC Speech With Sexist Tirade He Was Saving For Special Occasion
New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography
Report: Country That Might Shut Down Because President Wants Big Wall Somehow Considered Best In The World
Pharmaceutical Industry Reeling As More Moms Making Vaccines At Home
Holder Fucking Sick Of Giving Kicker Little Pep Talks After Every Missed Field Goal
Businessman Goes Home For The Holidays To Network With Family
God Admits He Was In Pretty Bad Place While Creating Universe
I Dont Vaccinate My Child Because Its My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
Report: Youre Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch
Burmese Python Shocked At Amount Of Stress Man Holding In His Neck
More Realistic Meat Substitute Made From Soy Raised In Brutally Cruel Conditions
Adrenaline Supply Intended For Lifting Car Off Loved One Called Upon To Carry 4 Grocery Bags At Once
How America Can Become Less Divided By Increasing The Number Of Murals Of People Holding Hands
Marvel Hints At Upcoming Death Of Stan Lee
Its Time To Admit That Depression Is Real, Except For Teens Who Are Just Being Moody
PatriotHole: Shameful: 3 In 5 Americans Cant Even Draw A Big Crosshairs On A Map Of The Middle East
Life: Heartbreaking: This Guy Is Beating Himself Up For Making A Dumb Comment In A Meeting Even Though His Coworkers Ignore Him Whenever He Talks
Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEOs Little Game
Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs
Trump's Switzerland Trip Cancelled As President Deemed Flight Risk
Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women
Life: When These Third-Graders Saw Their Classmate Didnt Have A Lunch, They Kept Feeding Him More And More Lunches Until He Clogged The Door And Got School Canceled
Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts
Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands
Life: Heartwarming: When This Family Couldnt Be Together On Thanksgiving, They Did A Depressing Skype Thing
Hellmann's Introduces New Meat-On-The-Bottom Mayo Cups
Idiotic Tree Keeps Trying To Plant Seeds On Sidewalk
Life: You Go, Girl! When This Womans Husband Left Her For A Younger Woman, She Lost 80 Pounds And Killed Them Both
Well Thats Nice, Say Calm, Pleased Eagles Fans After Super Bowl Victory
God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun
Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting
Life: Beautiful: Make-A-Wish Sent Chris Pratt To Meet An 8-Year-Old Fan Trapped In A Burning Building
God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again
Trump Boys Gather Rations Of Comic Books, Candy Bars For Night Hiding From Special Prosecutors In Makeshift Rose Garden Fort
Americans Have Lost Faith In Government Due To Both Parties Failed Promises To Blow Up Mt. Rushmore
Life: Trolling Master Class: Some Genius Prankster Uploaded A Photo Of Helicobacter Pylori Bacteria To The Wikipedia Page For Burkholderia Cenocepacia
Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders
Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who's Always Borrowing Them
Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness
Fuck It, Were Done, Say Scientists
Life: Hell Yeah: Wikipedia Is Putting Everyones Criminal Allegations Section Up Top So You Can Get Right To The Good Shit
Trump Announces Paris Climate Deal Rejection In Front Of 16 Running Faucets
Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Yoga Teacher Has Way Too Much On Plate To Fuck Any More Students Right Now
Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With
Study Finds Jack Shit
Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder
Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago
Trump Makes Last-Minute Push To Appeal To Whites
Im A Trump-Era Conservative, Says Horrifying Man 25 Years From Now
I Dont Let My Kids Watch Winnie The Pooh Because I Dont Want Them Idolizing A Fat Virgin
Trump Fulfills Campaign Promise Of Pushing Major Immigration Decision On Someone Else So He Can Watch TV
Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards
Life: Real-Life Sherlock: This Man Spent 20 Minutes Scrolling Through Facebook Posts Trying To Figure Out If His Friends Mom Died
Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately
U.N. Warns Trump May Be 7 Months Away From Acquiring Nuclear Weapons
Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime
I Can't Protect My Son From Everything, But If I Lock Him In The Svalbard Global Seed Vault I've Narrowed The Threat Down To Just Seeds
3 Years Ago He Hated Gay People. Today Hes A Completely Different Person. Still Pretty Weird That He Used To Hate Gay People Though.
Theoretical Scientists Gather For 35th Annual Symposium To Try To Determine How Gas Nozzle Knows When Tank Is Full
Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor
Delirious Rover Hallucinates Water On Mars
Small Town Beginning To Wonder What Taking Heroin Epidemic So Long To Get There
Trump Supporter Still Planning On Rioting At National Convention Anyway
Man Who Punches People For Living Somehow Not Paragon Of Progressive Values
Man Wishes Live Nation Would Email Him Whenever Any Band Playing Anywhere
Video: Richest Man In America? This Man Is Wearing Two Belts And Throwing Away Fresh Lettuce
There Are No Good Options In Syria, Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic
Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away
Michelle Obama: Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life Ill Never Get Back
Mother Cant Believe 10-Year-Old Has Already Outgrown Mobility Scooter
Man Always Wanted To Raise Family In Kind Of Place Where White People Greet Each Other On The Street
The Thing No One Tells You When You Become A Parent Is That NASA Is Conspiring To Overthrow The U.S. Government
Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys
News: Cracking Down: The NHL Has Unveiled A New Hyperbolic Penalty Box That Makes 3 Minutes Inside It Feel Like 500 Years
Accessibility FTW! Tic Tac Is Making Its Breath Mints 500 Times Larger For The Visually Impaired
People Are Inherently Good, World Halfheartedly Mutters
Trumps Prefrontal Cortex Admits It Cant Possibly Filter All Impulsive Comments Coming From Rest Of Brain
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff
Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation
Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs
Man Humiliated By Wi-Fis Poor Behavior In Front Of Guests
NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles
God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back
Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood
Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg Im With Her T-Shirts
Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding
Congress Puts Aside Partisan Differences For Good Of Military Contractors
Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants
GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed
Report: Bananas Still Most Popular Fruit For Pretending To Receive Phone Call
Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions
Bernie Sanders Refuses Flashy ABC Podium In Favor Of Own Humble, Homemade Lectern
Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting
Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win
Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion
Video: Heartbreaking: Hibachi Chef Tries To Make Meal On A Regular Table
Officials Worried Olympic Cemetery Won't Be Completed In Time For Games
Mans Garbage To Have Much More Significant Effect On Planet Than He Will
God Scores Another Free Balloon Some Dumb Kid Let Go Of
I Put On A Fat Suit To Understand What Its Like To Be Your Mom
Trump Claims Waterboarding Doesnt Come Close To The Excruciating Torment He Experiences At Every Moment
Trump Takes Moment To Thank All The Fear In Audience For Making This Night Possible
Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day
New Ketchup Gets Horrifying Look At Grisled, Almost Empty Bottle It Replacing
Seek Funding Step Added To Scientific Method
Really Ugly Shark Tired Of Being Mistaken For Hammerhead
Brain dead teen only capable of rolling eyes and texting to be euthanized
Brutal Anti-Cruz Attack Ad Just 30 Seconds Of Candidates Photo Displayed Without Any Text, Voiceover, Music
Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up
News: Devastating: This Guy Knows Exactly How Black People Should Act Around Police Officers, But He Has No Black Friends To Tell About It
Blog: Im Thankful My Daughter Can Grow Up In A World Where She Can Be Whatever The Hell A Doctor Who Is
Blog: What Men Say In Private Is For Men To Know And Women To Experience In Countless Terrifying Ways
Concerned NRA Official Rushes Out To Purchase Congressman Following Mass Shooting
BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible
Life: Its Called Columbusing, And Its The Latest Teen Craze That Has Kids Sailing The Globe In Search Of Spice
God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth's Core
Trump Spends Entire Classified National Security Briefing Asking About Egyptian Mummies
New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation
Huckabee Sanders Repeatedly Insists That Presidents Footprints Created The Great Lakes
First Kid To Wake Up At Slumber Party Gets Exclusive Look At Friends Moms Morning Routine
Nation Suddenly Realizes It Never Had To Worry About John McCain Dying Over Past 8 Years If Hed Become President
The Thing No One Tells You When You Become A Parent Is That NASA Is Conspiring To Overthrow The U.S. Government
Cassini Probe Realizes Too Late This Was A Setup All Along
Warm, Syrupy Pleasure Coursing Through Mans Veins After Big Hit Of Mattress
Olympic Officials: On The Whole, Only 4 Or 5 Really Terrible Things Happened
Life: Progress FTW: Now That Shes Sure Her Daughters Tomboy Thing Was Just A Phase, This Mom Is Speaking Out About How Cool She Was With It
News: Finally: The Indians Are Replacing Their Racist Mascot Chief Wahoo With A White Woman Wearing A Native American Halloween Costume
Life: Ultimate Redemption: This Former Holocaust Denier Who Claimed That Only 1,000 Jews Died In The Holocaust Is Making Up For It By Saying That 30 Trillion Jews Died In The Holocaust
Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia
Mom Thinks Youd Enjoy Restaurant She Cant Remember Name Of Right Now
Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies
Ryan Gosling Sneaks Past Paparazzi In Full-Body Red Carpet Camouflage
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now
We Put 700 Red Dots On A Map
So-Called Christian Has Erection
Video: Heartbreaking: Man Looks Under Couch For Missing Daughter And Then Gives Up
Womans Head Feared Lost Forever Inside Infinity Scarf
Life: Amazing: A Team Of Scientists Just Found Perfectly Good Hardwood Floors Beneath The Earths Crust
Trump Retweets Video From Anti-Muslim Hate Group
Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You
South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North
Study Finds Only 5% Of Americans Have Correct Amount Of Pride In Country
Dormant Supervolcano Underneath Yellowstone Figures Now As Good A Time As Any
CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools
Twitter Introduces Red X Mark To Verify Users It's Okay To Harass
Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill
Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything
Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression
Laptop Really Getting Off From Having Both USB Ports Stuffed
Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate
Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis
Area Dad Informs BusBoy He's Ready To Order
Too Late Now To Switch From Checkout Line With Talkative Cashier
News: Safety First: To Avoid Rios Polluted Waters, Olympic Triathletes Will Mime The Swimming Portion On Dry Land
Ted Cruz Opens Up To Town Hall Audience About Early Days As Larva Feeding On Porcupine Carcass
Nation Too Terrified To Look At What Trump's Recent Rise In Polls Attributed To
News: So Cool! Obama Just Invited The Kids From Stranger Things To Join The Army
Trump Sick And Tired Of Mainstream Media Always Trying To Put His Words Into Some Sort Of Context
Military Apologizes After Drone Strike Intended For Yemeni ISIS Base Accidentally Hits West Palm Beach Wedding
Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response
Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays
Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints
Two Years Ago, This Man Was 500 Pounds. Now He Is Two Men Who Weigh 250 Pounds.
Man On Verge Of Self-Realization Instead Turns To God
Amish Give Up "This is bullshit," Elders Say
Bored Barron Trump Counts Confederate Flags In Inauguration Crowd To Pass Time
Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976
This Shooting Isnt About Gun Control We Refuse To Pass, Its About Access To Mental Health Care Were Continuing To Gut
Ruby Tuesday Waiter Warns Jill Stein Her Green Party Response To Trump Speech Disrupting Other Diners
Video: Amazing: This Man Didnt Get A Good Look At His Friends Vacation Photo, But He Still Acts Impressed
42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record
Childs Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal
Ejected Little League Coach Forced To Stand On Other Side Of Chain Link Fence Until Game Over
Woman, Gay Best Friend Go On Another One Of Their Little Adventures
Here's Why You're Wrong
7 Things I Lifted With My Adrenaline Rush Instead Of The Car That Was Crushing My Son
Chicago Police Department To Monitor All Interactions With Public Using New Bullet Cams
Caitlyn Jenner Once More Bravely Stands Up For Trans People With Unlimited Resources
Plan To Be More Positive Off To Shitty Fucking Start
Weird, Creepy Guy Just Hanging Around Same Website All Day Long
College Professor Reminds Students It Will Take A Few Classes To Memorize Everyones Triggers
Family Mercifully Pulling Plug On Grandfather Unaware They Sending Him Directly To Hell
Mom Wants To Know If Youll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now
Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out
Area Grandma Enjoys Flourishing Correspondence With Mailer-Daemon
News: Could Go Either Way: This Town Doesnt Know Whether Its Okay To Tear Down Its Confederate Statue Because Its Of A Soldier With A Cleft Palate
5 Questions: Sometimes Ill Just Type A Single Letter H And Get Too Scared To Finish The Word: 5 Questions With Stephen King
Nation Unable To Discern Why Unattractive Woman On Screen
Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby
Heartwarming! This Fraternity Brother Came Out As Gay And Was Still Just As Much Of An Asshole
SpaceX Reveals All 400 Dogs On Falcon Rocket Failed To Survive Trip
News: For The Best: To Discourage Fans From Sexualizing The Stranger Things Kids, James Corden Will No Longer Have Them Play Shirtless Baby Oil Twister By Candle Light On His Show
Area Man Will Be Judge Of Whether Woman Actually True Baseball Fan
Man Looks On Helplessly As Variants Of His Nickname Evolve And Multiply At Breakneck Speed
Bully Cant Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously
Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown
New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding
Former Conservative Recalls Belittling Tirade From College Student That Brought Him Over To Left
You Would Do The Same Thing If An Old Witch Had Your Fathers Soul Trapped In A Lantern
Report: Gross-Ass Gourd All Bumpy And Shit
Planned Parenthood: Myth Vs. Fact
27-Year-Old Lies About Every Single Aspect Of His Life To Keep Parents From Worrying
Stupid 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health
Life: Environmental Win: The EPA Has Released Thousands Of Lions Into Lake Michigan To Curb The Invasive Carp Population
Life: Still Human: 5 Times Nelson Mandela Got Stuck On The Roof Of A Pizza Hut
Its The Sponge. You Love The Sponge.
Nation Excited For Some Insane K-Pop Shit During Opening Ceremony
Donna Brazile Says Hillary Rodham Clinton High Palace Of The Solar Order Was Almost Like A Cult
The Trump Documents
From 2002: "Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5"
Thousands Of Rats Tumble About Uncontrollably Inside Snoopy Balloon High Above Thanksgiving Day Parade
5 States To Decide Whether To Legalize Marijuana Or Continue Honoring God
Relationship At Point Where Woman Has To Learn Boyfriends Familys Weird Card Games
New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems
Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home
Each Member Of Family On Edge As Vacation Has Gone By Without One Blowout Fight
Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customers First Attempt At Pipe Bomb
Creature That Craps In Box Too Fancy For Dry Food
Must See: 80s Throwback! Johnson & Johnson Is Releasing A Limited-Edition Bottle Of Poison Tylenol
Gaunt, Hollow-Eyed Big Bird Enters Sixth Day Of Hunger Strike Against Proposed Trump Budget
Anthropologists Discover Isolated Tribe Of Joyful Americans Living In Remote Village Untouched By 2016 Election
Kasich Trying To Find Other States Where He Is Beloved Multi-Term Governor
Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims Rights Necessary To Feel Safe
God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion
Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To Have A Blessed Day
Software Indicates Missing Child Likely A Prostitute By Now
The War On Christmas Is Real, And Purell Is Leading The Charge
Assault Rifle In Iraq Losing Track Of How Many Times Its Switched Sides During War
Man Wearing Sunglasses Upside Down On Back Of Head Still Recovering From Paul Walkers Death
Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat
Elderly Man Whos Outlived Wife By 8 Years Must Not Have Loved Her Very Much
Video: Heartwarming: Woman Makes Out With Man Who Got Her Fathers Heart Transplant
Fender Releases New Hybrid Gas-Electric Guitar
Life: Keeping It Civil: 7 Polite And Constructive Ways To Talk To Your Conservative Relatives About Your Multicultural, God-Bashing Sex Robot
Life: New School Of Thought: Anthropologists Now Believe That Early Man Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Give Each Other Thumbs-Up
Donald Trump: When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years
Nation Satisfied As Selena Gomez Completes Transition Into Sexualized Plaything
Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School
Is It Too Late To Audition? Asks Perfect Actor For Role, Poking Head Into Room Just As Producers Were Giving Up Hope
Men Whose Beautiful Wives Died On Christmas 10 Years Ago Announce Plans To Drink Whiskey Alone In Dark Apartment
Biden Forges President's Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month
Americans Have Lost Faith In Government Due To Both Parties' Failed Promises To Blow Up Mt. Rushmore
Blog: It Is Critically Important That You Vote In This Election, Even If You Just Write In The Name Of Your Favorite Actor (By Tom Hanks)
Squirrel Who Really Chunked Out Unable To Look Neighborhood Residents In Eye
Report: Suddenly Remembering To Sit Up Straight Once A Month Best Way To Keep Back Healthy Into Old Age
Mom Much More Insistent About Getting Grandkids From One Child Than Other
Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out
Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump
Harrison Ford Begs Agents To Just Let Him Die Now
Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College
Report: Middle East Quickly Running Out Of Land Area For Violence To Spill Over To
MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots
Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized
The Onion predicted Miley Cyrus' decay 6 years ago
Pence Passing Time During Trumps Speech By Mentally Baptizing Senators
Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life
Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire
Fathers Day Is Always Bittersweet For Me Because Its Also The Birthday Of The Bear That Ate My Father
Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response To Moderators Question About Why His Face So Fucking Infuriating
Unpopular Police Officer Thinking About Committing Racially Motivated Offense For A Little Support
Scientists Warn All Plant Life Dying Within 30-Yard Radius Of Ted Cruz Campaign Signs
Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy
Aides Concerned Trump's Mental Health Declining After President Admits He May Not Be Omnipotent Living God
Spider Sitting On Shower Wall Cant Wait To See Look On Mans Face
Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now
Classic Onion Prescience: Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'
Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son
College Senior Holding Out Hope That Internship Will Lead To Class-Action Lawsuit
Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve
Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo
Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire
Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department
Red Hot Chili Peppers Accidentally Write Song About New Hampshire
Blog: I Dont Let My Children Have Smartphones Because That Would Make It Harder For Me To Make Them Believe I Killed Osama Bin Laden
Sick Fucks Line Up To Gape At Dead Body
Nations Still-Undecided Voters: Help, We Cant Get Our Car Seatbelts Off
Report: Nobody Fucking Cares
Deformed Freak Born Without Penis
Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Whos Openly Horrible To Them
News: Doing His Part: The CEO Of Nissan Has Opened His 2009 Nissan Altima To Shelter Four Houston Residents If Any Of Them Can Make It To Japan
News: Doing Its Part: This Nonprofit Is Encouraging Girls To Pursue Careers In Science By Infecting Them With A Disease With No Known Cure
20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America
Life: This Plus-Size Model Was Inspiring. But Then She Lost 100 Pounds, Which Was Also Inspiring? Even Though She Was Already Perfect Before? But She Is Also Perfect Now?
Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry Due To Fact That Owners Really Should Have Bought Something New By Now
Video Game Boss Thinking He Should Get Big Glowing Weak Spot On Back Checked Out
Study Finds Man Starting Analyze This During Flight To Boston Currently Happiest Person In America
Iceberg Sighs Contentedly As It Slowly Lowers Itself Into Warm Arctic Water
Struggling Media Company Almost Desperate Enough To Hire Someone Qualified For Job
Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
Robert Mueller Begins Thirteenth Day Undercover As White House Janitor
Video: Absolutely Beautiful: Watch This Woman Tell Her Husband Shes Pregnant While Conan OBrien Pours Good Milk Down The Sink
Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions
Officials Urge Americans To Sort Plastics, Glass Into Separate Oceans
Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached
Biden Frantically Cleaning Up Trashed Vice President Residence At Last Second
News: Inclusivity Win: SpaceX Has Successfully Launched A Handicap-Accessible Ramp Into Orbit
Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone
Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School
Hungover Man Horrified To Learn He Made Dozens Of Plans Last Night
Newborn Has Father's Asshole
After A String Of Accidents, U-Haul Announces Closure Of Aircraft Division
Washington Post Reporter Frustrated Every Space In Parking Garage Taken Up By Anonymous Source
Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She'll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death
Socialism Vs. Capitalism
Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune
EPA Chief Pruitt Welcomes Delegation Of Pollution From China
Life: Must-See TV: Bill Maher Spent The Entirety Of Last Nights Real Time Episode Tearfully Trying To Free Himself From A Chinese Finger Trap
Life: 6 Silent Chores You Can Do Upstairs While Your Son And His Mean Friends Hang Out
Low-Energy Jeb, Whispers Jeb Bush Sitting Alone In Dark Watching Televised Trump Speech
Man With No Real-Life Career Goals Knows Exact Job Hed Want In Harry Potter Universe
Report: Majority Of Diners Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists
Unpopular Police Officer Thinking About Committing Racially Motivated Offense For A Little Support
We Challenged This Man To Survive On Minimum Wage And He Immediately Got Hit By A Car
Life: 6 Mild Self-Defense Moves You Can Use When You Arent Sure If Youre Being Attacked Or Just Hugged
Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time
Sky Climaxes After Being Penetrated By Princes Spirit
Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis
Wealthy Donors Pump Millions Into Sanders Campaign In Last-Ditch Effort To Destroy His Credibility
This Internet Theory Suggests All Pixar Fans Live In The Same Universe
Retreating Clinton Campaign Torches Iowa Town To Slow Advance Of Sanders Volunteers
Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims
Lifeguard Would Save Drowning Man, But Who Is He To Play God?
Chuck E. Cheese's Announces New Lower Prices, But The Restaurants Will Be Dirtier
The Stories In The Flintstones Are Powerful, But They Probably Didnt Literally Happen
I Am Fun by Hillary Clinton
Group Of Friends Chanting Shots Make Compelling Point
Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year
Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy
Heaven Installs Spikes To Keep Cherubs From Shitting On St. Peters Gate
Al-Qaeda Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Radicalization Done Face-To-Face Rather Than Online
Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child
Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August
News: Stepping Up: This New Facebook Safety Feature Lets You Mark Yourself As Someone Who Could Have Easily Been A Victim In A Terrorist Attack
Nation Demands More Mind-Blowing Guitar Solos
Compassionate Fisherman Doesnt Have Heart To Throw Trout Back Into Incredibly Polluted Lake
Video: Two Years Ago, This Man Was 500 Pounds. Now He Is Two Men Who Weigh 250 Pounds.
Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse
God Sick Of New Angels Annoying Fucking Voice
Eric Trump Poses With Carcass of Safari Guide Shot On African Hunting Trip
GOP Statisticians Develop New Branch Of Math To Formulate Scenarios In Which Trump Doesnt Win Nomination
I Think We Still Have A Shot, Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer
North Korea Successfully Harvests Wheat In Show Of Growing Strength
Area Mom Off Thinking About Princess Diana Again
Biden Gets Grow Light Delivered To White House Under Fake Name
(2012) After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016
Leonardo DiCaprio Touches Skin Of Woman Over 35 For First Time Ever
Life: Making A Difference: Meet The Man Who Is Working To Reform Prisons So Theyre Nicer When He Finally Murders His Boss
Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony
Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arbys Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeo Beef N Bacon Melt
Daily Spin Class Only Thing Keeping Mom From Driving Car Full Of Kids Into Ocean
Lombardi Trophy Glad It Will Never Come Back To Minnesota
Transition Team Assures Public Trump Has Too Many Conflicts Of Interest To Favor Any Specific One
Heroic Pit Bull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner
Psychologists Advise Practicing Words President Trump Over Next 2 Months To Prepare For Inauguration
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
Video: Infuriating: Man Licks Cone Instead Of Ice Cream
Disappointing Prince Vaults Found To Contain 37,000 Hours Of Billy Joel Covers
Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God
Humanity Surprised It Still Hasnt Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything
Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music | The Onion
The Onion Invites Republican Candidate Greg Gianforte To Physically Assault Our Entire Editorial Staff
Life: Noble Cause: This Inspiring Nonprofit Sends People Into The Amazon Rain Forest To Teach Indigenous Tribes Who Super Mario Is
If Black Lives Matter Isnt A Racist Hate Group, Then Can Someone Please Explain To Me Why I Keep Insisting They Are?
Demoralized Jeb Bush Succumbs To New Hampshire Heroin Epidemic
Life: Supporting Their Fans: The Blue Man Group Has Announced It Will Pay Your Bail If You Get Arrested For Masturbating To Its Ad On The Train
NASA Issues Formal Apology For 1969 Genocide Of Moon Natives
This Map Will Change The Way You See Westeros, Reports Never-Ending Cascade Of Subhuman Bullshit
Shelling From Royal Caribbeans M.S. Allure Sinks Carnival Cruise Vessel That Crossed Into Disputed Waters
Nice! This Badass Dad Built His Kids The Ultimate Frozen-Themed Treehouse And Pretty Much Clinched Full Custody
Obama Finally Fulfills Campaign Promise To Spend One Night In Abandoned Amusement Park
Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters
Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters
No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens | The Onion
Neurologists Find Brain Still Shows Signs Of Self-Criticism Minutes After Death
OxyContin Maker Criticized For New It Gets You High Campaign
Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer Libations
Cat Placed On 5 Minutes Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing
Stealing Tampons From Office Bathroom Currently Womans Only Source Of Joy
Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children's Crusade
If I Could Be Just Completely Honest For A Second, I Believe Exactly What You Believe
Grandma Hangs On To Spend One Last Christmas With Nursing Home Staff
Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White
5-Year-Old Feels Like She Just Wasted Whole Carousel Ride Waving To Dad
The Time To Act Is Now, Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive
Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity
Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Suggest Early Man Was Battling A Lot Of Inner Demons
Miss America Called Before U.N. Council for Not promoting Enough World Peace
Life: Environmental Win! This Couple Is Infertile
Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup
Its An Honor To Continue Being Valued Over Countless Human Lives
Woman Probably Just Made Up Rape Story In Order To Get Threatening Emails
Incredible: 17-Year-Old Chloe Kim Won Olympic Gold Even Though She Was Required To Have A Parent Or Guardian On Her Snowboard With Her
New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable
Nation Just Goes Ahead And Decides Freedom Prevails Over Hate Is Lesson Of 9/11
Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs
RNC Speech: If We Dont Elect Trump, Our Enemies Will
Its Time To Talk About America In The Broadest, Least Focused Sense
NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes
God Refuses To Grant Any More Transcendent Near-Death Experiences To People Who Crash Snowmobiles
Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards
Comments Section Arguments We Clearly Won In 2016
Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas
Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies
Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself
PatriotHole: President Trump Needs To Stop Retweeting Anti-Muslim Videos Posted By British Bigots And Start Retweeting Anti-Muslim Videos Posted By American Bigots
Life: Heartwarming: This Serial Killer Is Supporting Local Independent Journalism By Only Sending Clues To His Murders To Newspapers Based In His Hometown
News: A Commitment To Justice: Jeff Sessions Is Currently Chasing A High School Senior Who Got High At Prom Across The Roof Of A Siberian Train
Quiz: Is Your Kitchen Finally Ready For A Fat Little Chef Statue?
Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing
Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of
Sitting Inside Cardboard Box The Safest 6-Year-Old Will Feel For Remainder Of Life
God Regrets Never Creating Any Two-Headed Snake Creatures
Republicans, Leukemia team up to repeal healthcare bill
EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain
GOP Leaders Assure Sobbing Rubio It Not His Fault Party Splitting Up
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People
Blog: If We Dont Protect Endangered Species, Our Kids Will Inherit A World Where A Silverback Gorilla Riding A White Rhino Into Battle Against A Polar Bear Using A Galpagos Tortoise As A Shield Is Not Possible
Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede
Blog: I Used To Be Pro-Obamacare. Then It Saved My Shitty Life.
Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq
Late-Blooming Dad Just Now Getting Into Civil War History
Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday
Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires
Study: Employees Happiest When Pretending To Work From Home
The Onions Best Photojournalism Of 2016
Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends
5 Salads With More Calories Than A Big Mac
Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century
Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours
News: Holy Fucking Shit: Fargas The Foreign-Exchange Student Just Cracked His Head Open In Gym Class And Is Shrieking Like A Motherfucker
Pelosi: We Must Fight Even Harder Against Trump's Authoritarian Impulses Now That We've Voted To Enable Them
Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap
Paul Ryan: The Comments Donald Trump Will Make Over The Next Few Months Are Regrettable
Report: All Standing Between Trump And Presidency Is Nation That Made Him Billionaire Celebrity
Guy Knows Exactly How Black People Should Act Around Police Officers
Hillary Clinton Pleasantly Surprised After Finding Old $20,000 Donation Check In Coat Pocket
Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas
Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar
God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans
Twas Hubris Led Me Here, Thinks Naked Woman Sitting On Public Toilet With Romper Around Her Ankles
Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room
News: College Board Has Announced That It Will Add 50 Points To Your SAT Score If A School Shooting Happens During Your Test
Carefully Thought-Out Living Room Decor Overshadowed By Enormous Blanket With Team Logo On It
Man Not Sure Why Girlfriend Having Him Hang Cluster Of Empty Picture Frames But Willing To Go With It
High School Bully Worried Victims Will Realize He Actually Retarded Faggot Himself
Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up
New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual
Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity
Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story
New Report Finds Adult Film Star May Have Paid Over $130,000 To Cover Up Sexual Encounter with Trump
Life: 5 Times The Animatronic Fox On Splash Mountain Addressed Me By Name And Told Me He Was Going To Marry My Dad
Leonardo DiCaprio Morphs Back Into Hairy, Overweight Iowan After Finally Receiving Oscar
New Study Finds Most Of Earths Oxygen Used For Complaining
NFL To Curb Excessive Celebrations By Removing Areas Of Players Brains Responsible For Emotions
Cool: Netflix Is Going To Bring Back Jimmy Neutron Unless Someone Else Has A Better Idea
Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Mans Life
Congress Approves $540 Million For Evil
Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87
18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown | The Onion
Life: Sort Of Heartwarming: These Amazing Students Raised Over $20,000 For Their Teachers Penis Enlargement Surgery
'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Bravely Steps Outside His Liberal Bubble By Joining The KKK
Life: Embarrassing: Disney Has Apologized For Putting A Statue Of Hugo Weaving In Its Avatar Theme Park Because It Thought It Remembered Him Being In The Movie
News: Major Setback: These Harvard Researchers Successfully Cloned A Wooly Mammoth, But The Janitor Ate It After They Went Home For The Night
Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver
Local Church Full Of Brainwashed Idiots Feeds Towns Poor Every Week
Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months
Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine - Video
Houston Residents Admit World Series Win Wont Heal Hurricane-Ravaged City As Much As Super Bowl Win Would
New Heavy-Duty Voting Machine Allows Americans To Take Out Frustration On It Before Casting Ballot
Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie
Do You Beliebe 9/11 Was An Inside Job?
6 Breathtaking Images Of Outer Space That Put Into Perspective Just How Small, Insignificant, And Pitiful Your Dad Is
Woman Deriving Some Sort Of Sick Pleasure From Healthy New Diet, Lifestyle
Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade
Study: 74% Of Home Contractors End Up Accidentally Walling Themselves In During Housing Construction
Avoiding Popular Songs Somehow Accomplishment For Local Man
Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out
Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity
Detroit Begs Nation To Just Give It Something, Anything, To Manufacture
Heartwarming: American And ISIS Forces Came Together To Celebrate Christmas
Meet The Brilliant 12-Year-Old Hacker Who Breached The Bud Light Websites Impregnable Age Verification Firewall