non_twss.txt

He then told me he will die without me. 
When I said that I didn't care, he said 'OK. 
I'll kill myself!' and then held his breath in attempt to suffocate himself. 
I can't believe I dated this idiot. 
 
I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. 
 
I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. 
I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. 
Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. 
And apparently I'm depressed. 
How sexy is that?  
after we'd let an author rent out our cabin, we read in the book of poems he wrote while staying that he'd described how he enjoyed sitting on our table naked. 
The same table we often eat off. 
 
I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. 
 
I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. 
There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. 
 
I married a wonderful man. 
Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. 
He just told me I was the worst he's ever had. 
 
I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. 
My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. 
 
I realized it feels better when I sneeze than when my boyfriend and I have sex. 
 
my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. 
As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV. 
"  
while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. 
My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. 
Even I don't get it. 
 
I had to take an emergency contraceptive. 
I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. 
His response? "Aw. 
That's just the baby dying. 
"  
my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. 
She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?"  
I was going down on my girlfriend. 
I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT. 
"  
after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. 
He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off!  Get it off!"   
 I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. 
 
I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. 
He honestly doesn't understand. 
 
my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. 
That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. 
 
I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. 
It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. 
 
my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. 
We got into it. 
It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. 
They came home early, ran upstairs and knocked on the door. 
Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. 
They barge in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. 
 
I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. 
 
I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. 
My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. 
 
I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. 
The only problem is we're both straight males. 
 
 I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!"  
while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. 
This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. 
 
I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. 
He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. 
Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. 
 
I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. 
While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. 
He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. 
 
I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. 
I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. 
 
I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. 
Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. 
For three weeks. 
 
my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. 
Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. 
The worst part is my boss was responding back. 
 
I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. 
I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. 
 
my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties. 
" We've been having sex every day for the last six days. 
 
my girlfriend told me she was bored. 
During sex. 
 
I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. 
The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. 
My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. 
 
my Dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. 
 
I was driving with my mother. 
The ride was 2 hours long. 
For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. 
For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. 
 
while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. 
 
it's my birthday. 
I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. 
Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. 
 
whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. 
 
my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. 
 
someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. 
That sucker was me. 
 
I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. 
Apparently, she didn't like the taste. 
I however, did. 
 
I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. 
It's been three days, and almost as many fights. 
He still doesn't get it. 
 
I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. 
I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. 
 
 my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. 
 
 I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. 
 
I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. 
My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. 
 
It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. 
My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. 
 
my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. 
Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. 
 
I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. 
 
my mother got me to guess who she spent the night with. 
I then find out it was the gas station guy. 
The same creep that I've been complaining about because he hits on me every time I go get gas. 
Good pick Mom. 
 
I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. 
Turns out he isn't. 
He is cheating on his wife, with me. 
 
it looks like I may have an STD. 
My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. 
He says he's been completely faithful. 
They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 
Turns out that's not quite true. 
 
my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my 'corpse'. 
 
I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. 
The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. 
 
I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. 
Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. 
 
while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. 
While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. 
 
I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. 
 
and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. 
He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. 
 
to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. 
The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilirating. 
Until you actually get caught. 
 
I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. 
I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. 
 
my boyfriend got a new rifle. 
He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. 
We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. 
I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. 
 
my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. 
Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. 
 
my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. 
He started laughing when I climaxed. 
I asked why. 
Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. 
 
I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. 
When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. 
 
my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. 
 
while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. 
 
I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. 
Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever. 
"  
while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. 
He actually stopped thrusting to reply. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex. 
Right before I was about to climax, he asks "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?"  
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
She's a sock puppet. 
 
at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". 
The waiter asked me what would I like to order. 
The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". 
 
I was going through the history on my computer. 
Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. 
 
I decided to wake my fiance up by giving him a blow-job. 
When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. 
 
my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. 
Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. 
She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. 
My mom liked it. 
 
at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. 
His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. 
The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. 
 
my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. 
He saw nothing wrong with that. 
 
my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. 
Apple sauce. 
 
while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. 
I smiled back. 
He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. 
 
I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. 
After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. 
 
I was having sex with a guy I met at my friends party. 
He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. 
 
my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. 
Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. 
 
while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. 
I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. 
 
I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. 
We just don't have sex any more. 
 
I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. 
I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. 
It was porn. 
 
my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. 
Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. 
While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. 
 
I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. 
I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. 
I turned around to see how old these girls really were. 
One of them was my daughter. 
 
my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. 
Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. 
 
my husband and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. 
It's also the 5th anniversary of the last time he made me orgasm. 
 
I met my boyfriend's brother. 
When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!"  
I was released from jail. 
I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. 
Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. 
 
my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. 
Well, I called. 
Just as a raging sex scene started. 
 
I found my electric globe. 
It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. 
I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. 
 
I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. 
The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. 
 
I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. 
The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. 
The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. 
 
one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. 
Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!"  
I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. 
My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!"  He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. 
 
my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. 
I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. 
 
I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. 
So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. 
And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. 
 
my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. 
 
my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. 
He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. 
 
my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. 
 
whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. 
 
my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. 
 
at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. 
Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?"  He replied, "Sure. 
But first I have to poop. 
"  
I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. 
The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. 
My boyfriend was. 
 
my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. 
When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. 
 
while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". 
 
I was making out with my boyfriend and he was fingering me. 
After he left, my mum says to me "I wish my sex life was as interesting as yours. 
" She had walked in and we hadn't even noticed. 
 
I was supposed to go on a date with a guy who lives on the same floor as me in my apartment complex. 
I got stood up. 
Instead I got to listen to him doing the girl who lives next door to me. 
 
I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. 
She didn't believe me. 
Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. 
 
while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. 
She was seemed to be having a wet dream. 
She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. 
 
my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. 
His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. 
Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. 
 
my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids. 
"  
I had sex with my boyfriend. 
Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up. 
 
I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. 
 
my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday. 

my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. 
As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. 
Boom, headshot. 
 
I was getting it on with my boyfriend. 
I started to come, screaming, "Ah. 
AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!"  
I went to get a tattoo. 
I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. 
I went home to show my wife. 
She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. 
It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. 
 
my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. 
We are both virgins. 
After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me. 
" We never did it. 
 
I was sitting on the bus when a good looking girl accidentally brushed her ass up against my shoulder as she walked past. 
This only made me realize that this has been the closest I've come to touching a girls ass in over a year. 
 
I was at my girlfriends house. 
After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. 
At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. 
The family did. 
 
I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. 
While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. 
According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. 
 
after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. 
Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. 
My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. 
 
I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. 
I decided to beat my meat to them. 
Later I found out it was my grandma. 
 
I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. 
My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. 
I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. 
 
I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. 
I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. 
Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. 
 
I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now. 

my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. 
The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?"  
I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. 
Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. 
The sink broke off from the wall. 
This caused a flood in the apartment. 
The party was canceled. 
 
 I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. 
 
I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. 
He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits. 

a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. 
I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. 
However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. 
 
I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. 
He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. 
My mom was laughing her ass off. 
 
I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. 
 
my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. 
According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. 
I'm not in love, but the sex is good. 

my boyfriend and I had sex. 
He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. 
 
I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. 
It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. 
I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. 
 
my husband of 19 years took our children out for dinner, told them he's gay, then sent them home to tell me for him. 
 
I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a random girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. 
 
while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. 
It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. 
I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. 
 
my boyfriend and I were getting it on. 
My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. 
Whether it's a wall or his face. 
 
I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. 
We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. 
As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!"  
I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. 
He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. 
I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. 
 
was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. 
My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. 
My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. 
They know a lot more now. 
 
my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. 
When I met her, her son looked familiar. 
I lost my virginity to him. 
 
I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. 
I came back, he was passed out on the couch. 
His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. 
I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. 
 
I lost my virginity, I think. 
Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing?  
I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. 
My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?"  
I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. 
I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. 
 
my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. 
 
I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. 
I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. 
 
 my boyfriend talked me into having drunk sex. 
Right after we started, my head hit a wall, knocking me out. 
I woke up to him taking pics of my tits. 
 
while lying in bed with my fiancé, we were talking about how we'd rather die, if given a choice. 
I said, "I want to die in my sleep next to you. 
" His response? "It'd be sexier if you were on top of me with your face between my legs. 
" Cute, honey. 
 
my boyfriend and I were about to take our first shower together. 
When he came into the room, he had swimming trunks on. 
 
while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". 
 
I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. 
The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherf*cking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. 
 
my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. 
When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". 
 
my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. 
Apparently, all it took was anal. 
 
my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. 
He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did. 
" To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. 
 
I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. 
 
my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. 
I now found out, she is correct. 
 
my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. 
When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. 
 
my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. 
As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. 
Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3. 
. 
. 
2. 
. 
. 
1. 
. 
. 
" and began thrusting as fast as possible. 
 
I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. 
A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. 
He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man. 
" All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. 
 
my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. 
I decided to be nice and let him. 
When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. 
 
I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". 
Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. 
Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. 
So much for marriage. 
 
I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. 
He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. 
I was unable to speak the entire time. 
The dentist is my grandpa. 
 
I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. 
In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. 
 
my fiance and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. 
As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. 
Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. 
 
I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. 
 
I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. 
He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". 
 
my girlfriend broke up with me. 
Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. 
She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. 
 
 my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. 
 
my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. 
What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. 
 
an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. 
When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me. 

my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. 
However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. 
 
I went to the mall with my daughter. 
She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. 
She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. 
Let's just say Santa had a present for me. 
 
as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I sit next to wafting the smell of their vagina towards themselves and breathing in deeply. 
It's an eight hour flight. 
 
while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. 
As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. 
She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. 
 
while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. 
He was quoting verses from the bible. 
I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. 
I was too frightened to leave. 
This went on for a very long time. 
 
my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. 
I was sitting in the front. 
 
I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. 
I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. 
 
I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. 
I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. 
 
my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. 
 
a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. 
He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. 
He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice. 
" I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list. 

whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. 
It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. 
 
I got a call from a restricted number. 
When I answered, it was a prank call. 
The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. 
Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. 
 
I got a message from the girl I like. 
She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. 
Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. 
I never wrote her a letter. 
 
my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". 
 
I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. 
Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything. 
" So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. 
 
I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. 
The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. 
 
my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. 
 
I got married. 
Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. 
Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. 
 
my boyfriend was going down on me. 
When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. 
For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. 
 
at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. 
At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. 
 
I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. 
She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week. 

my sister came out to the family as being a lesbian, and wanted to invite her girlfriend over for us to meet her. 
It turns out, her girlfriend occasionally goes out with guys to "remind herself that she's not missing anything". 
I was one of those men. 
 
I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. 
Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you. 

I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. 
This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. 
 
my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. 
I rolled off and broke my collarbone. 
 
I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. 
He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time. 

at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. 
I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. 
No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. 
 
I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. 
He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. 
When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. 
 
after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. 
Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome. 

I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you. 
" She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too. 

I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. 
Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out. 
' It was the guy I slept with. 
 
I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. 
After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. 
 
my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. 
A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. 
Her face is level with my crotch. 
She immediately jumps back from the hug and says "ewwww smells like fish. 

I was depressed because my boobs are really small for a 20 year old woman. 
To make me feel better my boyfriend said, "As long as they're bigger than mine. 
" They weren't. 
 
I was going through my mom's old yearbook. 
There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. 
I am deeply scarred forever. 
 
 I found out that the woman I'm currently dating used to be a man. 
 
I walked into my room to find my roommate's boyfriend trying on one of my pink, lacy bras. 
My roommate then yelled at me for coming home early. 
 
as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!"  
I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. 
I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. 
He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. 
 
while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. 
Everybody stared at me and started to yell. 
Now they all think I was masturbating. 
 
my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. 
He calls it "bloody victory. 

my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. 
About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. 
 
I woke up after a dream where I got it good from no other than Schwarzenegger. 
The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. 
Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. 
 
my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. 
A little bit later, he started going down me. 
He hadn't washed his mouth. 
 
my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. 
Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. 
It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. 
 
I was about to lose my virginity. 
I couldn't get it up. 
 
my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. 
He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. 
I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. 
My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. 
 
while having sex on the couch with my single neighbor, a beam in the couch broke. 
Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it. 
" Husband?  
my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. 
When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. 
 
as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. 
Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. 
 
I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. 
He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out. 

two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. 
While I was wanking. 
 
my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project. 
. 
. 
while we were having sex. 
 
I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. 
All at a party. 
A party that I was at. 
 
 a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his Cubical. 
The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. 
My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. 
 
I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. 
His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift. 
" Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. 
 
my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. 
The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. 
 
I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. 
 
 I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. 
My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. 
It's been four months. 
 
there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. 
I didn't. 
Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. 
 
I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. 
 
while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. 
I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. 
 
while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe. 
" I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. 
 
I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. 
My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. 
I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". 
I'm awaiting a response. 
 
while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. 
Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. 
My boyfriend kept going. 
 
right before my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, he touched his butt and says, "Oh I have a butt pimple. 
" He then went and popped it. 
 
my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. 
 
while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. 
She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. 
My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. 
 
while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. 
It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. 
 
my best friend, with whom I have been in love for years, kissed me, hugged me, held my hand, hooked up with me and told me that he loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me. 
until he sobered up and his girlfriend got back to town. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. 
When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!"  
is my daughter's first birthday. 
Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. 
 
I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. 
Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this. 
I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. 
He pushed my head down towards his lap. 
 
I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. 
My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. 
His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. 
 
my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. 
I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go f*ck myself. 
 
my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. 
He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. 
 
when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. 
Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. 
The computer keeps getting viruses. 
Love, Mom. 
"  
after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. 
She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night. 
"  
my boyfriend asked how I could go to the bathroom and leave my tampon in at the same time. 
He didn't realize there are two separate holes. 
He's 28. 
 
I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. 
I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. 
In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. 
 
 the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. 
I just got dumped by a hooker. 
 
my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. 
He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. 
I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. 
 
while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. 
The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. 
 
I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. 
 
I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. 
I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. 
 
my mother was over visiting. 
My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. 
He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. 
I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. 
She walked back holding my pink dildo. 
 
I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. 
When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. 
My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. 
My childhood just shattered. 
 
I noticed a guy in a slow-moving car yelling "Where you going with my flowers, bitch?" at a woman walking on the sidewalk, carrying a bouquet. 
I gave him a dirty stare for being an asshole. 
He then changed the tune of his yelling to "What the fuck you looking at dyke?" Then he spat at me. 
 
my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. 
 
in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. 
 
I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. 
 
 my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues. 
" I'm 21. 
 
my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. 
Just as we were ready, his mom called to say happy anniversary. 
She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. 
After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. 
 
I found a pregnancy test in my wife's purse while looking for a quarter. 
I haven't had sex with my wife in 8 months. 
 
my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. 
She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer. 
" My parents then exchange a look and  say, "Oh trust us, we know. 
"  
my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. 
We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. 
She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. 
She said there was no reason for her crying. 
Then she fell asleep. 
 
I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. 
My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. 
 
 while at work, I got a call. 
They left a voicemail. 
It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. 
I am going to their house for supper tonight. 
 
while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. 
 
the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some random guy. 
 
I found out that in the three years I've been dating my boyfriend, his parents have secretly been going through all of his emails, including the ones I've sent him with "sexy" pictures attached. 
I can't look his parents in the eye without being reminded that they've both seen me naked. 
 
I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight. 
" I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. 
 
while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. 
He replied, 'I wish you liked anal. 
'  
I realized the nicest thing my fiance has said to me all month was that I have "very suckable titties. 
"  
I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. 
He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. 
Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. 
 
at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. 
I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. 
When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. 
 
my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. 
After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. 
I decided to go with it. 
While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back. 
"  
my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. 
He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious. 
. 
. 
my precious" in Gollum's voice. 
 
 I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. 
His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv. 
"   
I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. 
I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. 
 
my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. 
She doesn't trust me. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. 
What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. 
We collided heads, hard. 
 
I lost my virginity. 
I also found out that if I have a powerful enough orgasm, I am launched into a lengthy and uncontrollable sneezing fit. 
 
my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. 
Everyone else thinks it's me. 
 
I woke up to two text messages from my mother. 
The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. 
How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. 
I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. 
 
in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. 
 
waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. 
I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. 
 
two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time. 
' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. 
 
 I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. 
In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. 
I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. 
After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. 
He said we left the baby monitor on. 
 
while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. 
He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. 
 
after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. 
Turns out that my fiance had used it to "clean up the bed. 
" I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. 
It was pretty obvious what it was. 
 
a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a maths test. 
My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. 
 
I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. 
It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. 
At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. 
 
I got into a car accident. 
While getting my things out of the car to bring into the tow truck, I noticed the handcuffs from my Halloween costume were still in the trunk. 
The tow truck driver noticed before I did, because he smiled, winked, and asked if I needed any more help. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. 
She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 
1. 
I was wearing a condom. 
2. 
Shes on the pill. 
3. 
We were having anal sex. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. 
While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!"  
the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. 
 
 my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight. 
" I'm 24. 
After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. 
 
I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. 
Her excuse? She was drunk. 
His excuse? "She's hot. 
"  
I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. 
My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!"  
while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. 
 
my girlfriend was going down on me. 
She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm not in the mood anymore. 
"  
I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. 
My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. 
She thought I was playing with myself. 
 
my wife checked the time while we were having sex. 
Twice. 
 
I woke up cold. 
The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. 
He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. 
The number he left me was for a pizza place. 
 
I went to a strip club with friends. 
After accepting a dance offer from a cute girl, we went to the back room where she sat in my lap and told how I creeped her out because I looked like her ex-boyfriend. 
She talked the whole time. 
I paid $22 to get in the friend zone with a stripper. 
 
 I was showering at hockey practice. 
it would have been normal, except one of my teammates was playing with his junk and subtly asked me to connect. 
There are 5 more months of hockey. 
 
my dad asked me for a word that rhymes with vagina. 
He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. 
 
I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. 
In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. 
 
I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. 
Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. 
As soon he got it on, he came. 
I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. 
He said, "No thanks. 
I'm good. 
"   
my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. 
I imagined he was Tom Cruise. 
He imagined I was my best friend. 
 
I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. 
 
I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. 
To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. 
 
I found out my boyfriend watches porn. 
Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. 
In the next room. 
We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. 
 
I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. 
I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. 
 
I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. 
 
I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. 
Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. 
I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. 
Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. 
 
I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. 
My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. 
His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. 
From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. 
 
for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. 
He wouldn't stop laughing. 
 
my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. 
 
I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. 
We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already. 
" So much for sentimental. 
 
I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. 
I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. 
Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?"  
after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm Bisexual. 
The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?"  
I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. 
He said "Good. 
"  
my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur. 
'  
I found a surveillance camera in my room. 
 
I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. 
This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. 
 
I went to the doctor's office, they did their regular check up, and found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. 
They started to think it might be a skin disease, I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was a hickey from my boyfriend. 
 
I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. 
 
I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. 
Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. 
It was my personal vibrator. 
 
I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. 
He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. 
 
my boyfriend told me "don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well. 
" By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. 
 
my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. 
But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. 
 
I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. 
She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch. 
"  
I woke up in bed with no pillows. 
I think the guy I slept with stole them. 
 
while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. 
She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. 
She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it. 
"  
I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more. 
. 
. 
romantic. 
" He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?"  
my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. 
 
while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. 
Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. 
I have 3 broken fingers. 
 
I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy, when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. 
 
I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. 
 
I lost the remote control to my TV. 
I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. 
I've been watching this for an hour now. 
I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. 
 
my girlfriend and I were making love. 
Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. 
It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. 
She talked to him for 15 minutes. 
To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. 
 
I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. 
I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. 
She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. 
I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. 
She's taken it to try it out tonight. 
 
I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. 
 
I found out that my parents like rough sex. 
I found the whip and handcuffs. 
 
after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy. 
"  
my cousin and his fiancee took me to my first strip club experience. 
One of the strippers came over and danced for me. 
She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. 
I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard. 
"  
my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. 
Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. 
We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. 
 
my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. 
I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. 
She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. 
I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. 
 
I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. 
Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. 
I love that you accept yourself. 
" I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. 
 
I was at work on a smoke break. 
I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2am. 
This old man pulls in and asks me if I would like to join him for some dinner. 
I said no, and told him I was working. 
He replies, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. 
 
I was giving my boyfriend road head. 
He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. 
I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. 
 
I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. 
On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. 
Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. 
 
I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. 
After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. 
 
I woke up finding out I had a wet dream last night. 
About someone other than my girlfriend. 
I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything, aparently I talked through out my dream, she was right next to me listening. 
 
to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. 
She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. 
The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. 
 
while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. 
She said she was too tired to fake it. 
 
I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. 
After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. 
He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. 
I couldn't come after that. 
 
I got a text from my ex: "I miss you. 
" I was happy to hear this, so I replied "Really?" I got in return "Not really, I'm just really horny and thinking of you. 
"   
I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. 
I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. 
 
I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. 
Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. 
 
I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. 
All he could manage to say was "I love you. 
"  
I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. 
 
in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. 
I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. 
Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. 
So much for spice. 
 
I received a really hot text from my boyfriend pretending to have only met me the night before. 
Thinking he was role-playing, I went along with it. 
Turns out, he really did meet someone last night. 
 
I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend. 
"  
my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. 
I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. 
I didn't have the heart to tell him. 
 
 I went to the beach with this boy I like. 
Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave my down stairs. 
We were sitting on a towel and I laid down. 
Then he said "is there a SQUIRREL in your pants?"  
I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. 
I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. 
 
I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. 
When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. 
In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. 
 
I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. 
Later that day, my boyfriend told me he already noticed that she was dead last night, but did not feel like telling me because he was afraid I wouldn't feel like doing it anymore that night. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
I finished too quickly and apologized. 
She said she was used to it by now. 
 
my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. 
I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. 
Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. 
He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework. 
"  
I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. 
I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. 
 
it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. 
At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. 
When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. 
He then asked me to steal them for him. 
 
I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. 
Since then, I haven't heard any sex. 
Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. 
 
I got in an argument with my boyfriend, who recently had to move away, about not calling enough. 
Apparently his moving had meant that we were now taking a break, he just forgot to talk it over with me. 
He still wants to visit, and keep the relationship in bed alive though. 
 
I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. 
 
I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. 
I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. 
Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. 
 
I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. 
 
I was on my way home on an airplane. 
The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. 
About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. 
It was a 2 hour flight. 
 
I bought a new pack of "feminine wipes" on my way over to my boyfriend's house after a long day of work. 
He saw them in my purse and sweetly told me I shouldn't be so self conscious. 
Later on, when he was going down on me, he said, "I take back what I said earlier. 
"  
when I came home from work, I saw my wife in nothing but black boots and a Santa hat. 
My boss and coworker were with me. 
I now have guys wanting to have a threesome with us. 
 
whilst at my awards night, I got a boner, right as it was my turn to accept my award. 
To avoid a awkward situation, I flipped it up and under my belt. 
This failed to make the situation any less awkward, because the head of my penis poked out through my shirt, in plain view of the audience. 
 
my boyfriend of three years decided it was finally time to have sex. 
After we did, he told me that he was sleeping with another girl. 
He wanted to have sex with me to see who was better. 
 
I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. 
When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. 
 
my boss reached over and yanked up my shirt right above my breasts while she said, "I'm all for flaunting it if you've got it, but don't reveal that much cleavage, there are dirty old men that work here. 
"  
I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. 
I proposed to her. 
She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. 
 
my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. 
He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. 
 
I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. 
The crime? Masturbating in public. 
 
I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. 
She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. 
 
I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. 
Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. 
 
I had a nice, open chat with my mother. 
I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. 
She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. 
I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. 
 
I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. 
I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. 
 
I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. 
 
my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. 
At the dinner table. 
 
my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. 
 
I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. 
He sent them. 
I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. 
 
I was doing it with my girlfriend. 
Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. 
She replied, "What?"  
I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. 
She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. 
He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. 
He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. 
 
my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. 
 
I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. 
I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. 
She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. 
 
I was giving my boyfriend head. 
I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. 
 
I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. 
I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. 
It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. 
Breakfast was awkward. 
 
I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. 
I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. 
He then started to undo my pants. 
 
after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. 
All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. 
 
I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. 
He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?"  
I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. 
Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. 
 
after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. 
Turns out he misunderstood. 
He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. 
 
after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes. 
"  
I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. 
I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. 
I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. 
 
I found out what "supersoaked" means. 
I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. 
 
I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. 
She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts. 
"  
my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. 
She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume. 
" She then winked. 
I am now scarred for life. 
 
I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. 
I've lived in this apartment for three years. 
I've been single and horny for all of them. 
 
I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. 
She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. 
 
I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. 
The worst part was that he didn't stop. 
 
after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. 
He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. 
 
I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. 
My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. 
Without thinking, I gave her the camera. 
 
I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. 
One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer. 
"  
my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. 
I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. 
His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them. 
"  
I witnessed my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. 
 
my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. 
Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter. 
"  
I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. 
Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. 
My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one. 
"  
I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes. 
"  
 I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. 
Later, when we had sex, she started to  complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. 
Great job prawns. 
 
it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. 
My family and I were watching tv and I got a spontaneous erection. 
When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. 
 
my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. 
 
my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. 
Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. 
Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight. 
"  
my girlfriend and I were role playing when her mum walked past the slightly open door, saw me, and chased me out of the house for stealing her baby's innocence. 
I was only wearing a red speedo. 
 
my girlfriend randomly asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. 
I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small. 
" She then looked at my crotch. 
 
my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. 
She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. 
We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. 
We slept there overnight. 
We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. 
 
I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. 
 
I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. 
After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. 
It is a shared computer. 
 
while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. 
Yeah. 
It's been that long. 
 
I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. 
While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the Gardener walking past my bathroom window yelling "Good morning" and waving into my direction. 
My left boob politely waved back at him. 
 
my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. 
 
I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. 
 
I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. 
 
I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. 
Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?"  
I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. 
Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans?  
I paid for my shopping at a self paying checkout. 
I had a lot of shopping and there was a big line. 
When I scanned my last item, the machine read out, "EXTRA SMALL LUBRICATED DUREX CONDOMS. 
"   
my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. 
I am pregnant and started my lactation period. 
Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. 
 
I called my boyfriend to tell him how sweetly the main character on my favorite tv show proposed to his girlfriend. 
He told me to hang on a second, and later forgot about me while he told his brother about the hot blonde he slept with last night. 
 
I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. 
Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog. 
" My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me. 
"  
at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. 
Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. 
 
my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. 
We're still having problems. 
 
my incredibly self conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. 
She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me and asked what I thought. 
I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match. 
"  
mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. 
They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. 
 
my girlfriend  of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. 
Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. 
 
my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. 
 
my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. 
He set it as my ringtone without telling me. 
I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. 
 
I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. 
When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever. 
"   
my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. 
Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. 
 
I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. 
 
I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. 
So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. 
 
my mother found out that I'm sexually active. 
She wants me to tell my father. 
I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up. 
" This should be fun. 
 
for my mom's birthday, we went camping. 
At night, my mom and her boyfriend decided to have "Birthday Sex" because they thought everyone was asleep. 
Trying to not make it awkward for me and my friend that I brought along, I kept still. 
Soon, I heard my friend going to town on herself. 
 
I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. 
He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. 
Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!"  
I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. 
She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. 
 
I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. 
Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. 
The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. 
Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. 
 
my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. 
She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. 
 
I went on a blind date for coffee. 
He was smart, good looking, and friendly. 
While we were talking about our respective families it became abundantly clear that I have heard these stories before. 
I realized that 6 months earlier I had been dumped by his brother after sleeping with him. 
 
I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. 
We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. 
Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. 
We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. 
We're both still virgins. 
 
my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. 
 
I heard my parents having sex. 
It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't in the same hotel room. 
They thought I was asleep. 
 
my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. 
After dinner we started to make out. 
I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. 
He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. 
 
my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. 
As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. 
 
I was having it off with my boyfriend. 
He is the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. 
Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. 
 
my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. 
Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. 
Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. 
For three hours. 
 
my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. 
My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. 
My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. 
 
 I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. 
My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son. 
"  
I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. 
Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. 
She's a screamer. 
 
my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. 
He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. 
Unfortunately, I moaned. 
Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. 
 
my four year old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. 
 
my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. 
I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. 
I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. 
 
 I discovered that my mom is having an affair. 
. 
. 
with her cousin. 
 
I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. 
 
when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. 
I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. 
 
I was babysitting for my mum's friend. 
I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. 
I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties. 
"  
I was called handsome. 
Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she "likes my lips and wants to rape me. 
"  
my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. 
I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. 
I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. 
 
my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. 
Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys. 
" And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. 
 
I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. 
Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". 
The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. 
 
I noticed my husband chews his tongue while we are having it off. 
He also does this while he is playing World of Warcraft. 
 
while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. 
 
I got married. 
During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. 
I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. 
Not even close. 
 
I met a man at the bar, and he asked me to go home with him. 
The problem? He's 80. 
I'm 29. 
The bigger problem? I considered it. 
It's been that long. 
 
I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. 
 
I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. 
Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile. 
"  
I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. 
Too bad I haven't sent him any. 
Ever. 
 
I had to apply medicine to my friend's spider bites, located on her ass crack. 
 
I celebrated my birthday. 
My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. 
My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. 
 
I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. 
His response was "So does yours. 
"  
I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. 
 
I went to bed with three hot, half-naked girls beneath me. 
I was in the bunk above. 
Alone. 
 
I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. 
I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down  and told me, "You look like my mother. 
" Thanks. 
 
while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he told me I was the love of his life. 
Afterwards, he clarified his statement. 
I was the love of his life, because I was in his life at that moment. 
 
I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. 
She was only the third person I've told. 
She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something to her kids. 
"  
I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. 
He's infatuated with them. 
He claims they make my ass look nice. 
I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. 
I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. 
 
when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream. 
" Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. 
She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU. 
"  
my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. 
He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a. 
m. 
meeting scheduled for the next morning. 
 
I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. 
I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. 
He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. 
 
my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. 
I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too. 
" Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?"  
while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. 
The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time. 
"  
while having sex for our first time, my boyfriend decided to test out a theory he heard about, that conversation during sex makes it more enjoyable. 
His way of doing it? He looked me straight in the eye and asked "How 'bout them Brewers?" We're from Wisconsin. 
That's our local sports team. 
 
my boyfriend was going down on me. 
After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle. 
. 
. 
"  
I went to my boyfriend's house. 
Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. 
I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. 
Loudly. 
 
I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. 
Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. 
Way to avoid an awkward situation. 
 
I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. 
 
while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. 
About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?"  
my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. 
I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. 
 
my dad found my "list". 
32 guys, 4 girls. 
Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. 
He complimented me on my "organizational skills. 
"  
I decided to try and seduce my 2 year boyfriend. 
He was on his laptop, and while he was on it I took off my shirt (including bra) and gave him a hug from behind. 
What I didn't know, was that he was video chatting his father the whole time. 
 
my girlfriend won't have sex with me. 
Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. 
It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. 
 
I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. 
So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. 
As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. 
 
I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. 
 
I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. 
 
my boyfriend and I thought it'd be hot to have it off on the golf course once it was dark. 
Who would've thought that sprinklers start up once it's pitch dark. 
I got a lot wetter than I thought I would. 
 
my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. 
He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. 
I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. 
He just wanted me to take a shower. 
 
my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. 
Now he rides it more than he rides me. 
 
I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. 
So did my two year old daughter. 
I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. 
 
my boyfriend and I got into a fight. 
Doubting our relationship, I asked him seriously if he loved me. 
He looked thoughtful, gathered me in his arms and said, "If I say yes, will you be less pissed?" and then tried to stick his hand down my pants. 
 
while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. 
He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. 
 
while drinking at a bar with my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend who I've been seeing on the side walked straight up to her, introducing herself as "the ex-girlfriend that he's been sleeping with for the past 3 months. 
"  
my boyfriend's mother screamed at me for half an hour, calling me a slut because she found a black lacy thong in my boyfriend's bed. 
I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't mine. 
 
it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. 
As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. 
Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. 
 
after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. 
Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen. 
"  
my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. 
 
my boyfriend and I were messing around. 
When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy. 
"  
I tried giving myself a bikini wax for the first time, and I'm pretty sure I didn't do it right. 
Now I'm laying on my couch with a wet rag and ice inbetween my legs. 
 
I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. 
When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. 
 
I was eating chips with my father. 
After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. 
I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. 
 
I was with my girlfriend and thought it would be cool to rip off my shirt while we were making out. 
It wasn't. 
Her bed was under a bookshelf and my shirt didn't even come off. 
I busted my head while she busted up laughing. 
 
I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. 
My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. 
My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. 
I turned myself off. 
 
my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. 
In that order. 
 
my boyfriend thought he gave me unimaginable pleasure. 
I didn't have the heart to tell him I had cramp in both my legs at the same time. 
 
I lost my anal virginity because my boyfriend "slipped". 
 
my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. 
After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs. 
"  
my boyfriend was going down on me. 
Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis. 
"  
after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. 
 
my mother asked me if I'd heard of anal sex. 
Before I could fully process her question, she explained that it's dangerous because the tissues of the anus are finer and more susceptible to STDs. 
There were still forty minutes left in our car ride. 
 
I was texting my crush. 
I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal. 
" I sent it. 
 
after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. 
His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. 
Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. 
I fell on the floor. 
 
my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. 
I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. 
 
I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. 
He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. 
 
my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. 
He's terrible. 
 
my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, that's why he could "never cheat on me with my friends. 
"  
I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. 
We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life. 
"  
I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. 
Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. 
 
I was talking to this guy I liked at work. 
He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. 
 
my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. 
I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. 
Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. 
So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. 
All I could say was "Nice Weather?"  
I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. 
What the fuck happened that night?  
while sitting at a red light, my mother randomly asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?"  
I was texting my boyfriend during a 7 hour car ride with my family. 
I thought it'd be fine to text dirty with him. 
Little did I know, my audio corrector was on, and told me the right way to spell 'penis' and 'orgasm. 
' 5 hours left. 
 
after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. 
Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial. 
"  
while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. 
I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. 
 
I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. 
My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. 
I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed. 
"  
while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. 
He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning. 
"  
my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis. 
. 
. 
miiiiilk the penis. 
"  
I was having an affair with a girl from my work. 
She scratched my back while we were doing it and I didn't want my wife to find out so I threw myself down the stairs at work and ended up having to go to the hospital. 
 
while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. 
This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. 
 
the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. 
While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". 
 
after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. 
How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. 
Welcome to the neighborhood!  
while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. 
 
my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you. 
"  
if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. 
He's twenty. 
 
I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. 
However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. 
 
I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. 
While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. 
 
I had sex for the first time in months. 
His apology took longer than the sex did. 
 
my family and I went to the mall. 
We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. 
While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. 
 
I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. 
I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. 
My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. 
 
I'm having a nice evening out on the town. 
After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. 
It was an inflatable. 
. 
. 
erm. 
. 
. 
'friend. 
' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. 
And several members of my family. 
 
I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. 
I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. 
His reply? "No it's fine. 
"  
I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex. 
"  
my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. 
Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. 
Walk of shame. 
 
my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories. 
"  
I was expecting a call from my friend. 
The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. 
It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. 
 
my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. 
He followed it with, "Want to try anal?"  
I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. 
He won't stop calling my phone now. 
 
as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky. 
"  
I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. 
I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. 
But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. 
 
I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. 
Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves. 
" He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. 
 
I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). 
I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. 
He hasn't called us once. 
 
I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. 
My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!"  
after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. 
She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. 
To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. 
 
I came back from a week long class trip. 
My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. 
Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. 
It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!"  
fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date says "It's good that you're smart. 
Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. 
I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say. 
"  Check please. 
 
I was making out with my boyfriend. 
Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. 
They cooled back down when a bug flew out. 
 
my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. 
Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
I was making a list of things to do tomorrow while faking an orgasm when I realize my boyfriend had finished about two minutes ago. 
He's pissed. 
 
I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. 
Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. 
Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. 
 
I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. 
She won't tell me what I said. 
She just laughs when she sees me. 
 
I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. 
His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. 
He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. 
 
I got dumped because I was on my period. 
Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month. 
"  
I waked in on my boyfriend and his bestfriend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. 
 
my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. 
One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. 
What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?"  
when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. 
His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway. 
"  
I went to my girlfriend's house. 
She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. 
When I got there, I didn't get it on. 
Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. 
 
I just had a phone interview with a college. 
The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. 
The password was "dick. 
"  
while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. 
 
my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. 
I thought I would be nice and cook them both a dinner along with my own. 
Mine took a little longer to cook, so they ate before me and went back to her bedroom. 
I ate alone to the sound of them having fun. 
 
I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. 
The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. 
 
after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. 
Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. 
 
I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. 
I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. 
Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. 
Oops. 
 
my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. 
I'm really good with my mouth. 
Just ask anyone. 
"  
I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. 
 
I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. 
 
my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. 
Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. 
I didn't even know guys could do that. 
 
I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. 
After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. 
It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. 
Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. 
My first time and we didn't even finish. 
 
the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". 
Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. 
 
my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. 
She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. 
 
I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. 
Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. 
I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. 
 
I had my wisdom teeth removed. 
The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. 
 
I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. 
Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. 
 
the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn. 
"  
I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man 'discretely' jerking it. 
 
my boyfriend of a year dumped me. 
In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. 
When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. 
He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. 
 
after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. 
His response to my shock was ‘This is less work and less involving. 
’  
the boy I like finally acknowledged me. 
He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper. 
"  
I learned that a few pubes on your bed can stop you from getting laid. 
 
I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. 
We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. 
When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it. 
"  
while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. 
Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". 
He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. 
 
my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. 
 
I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. 
 
I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you. 
"
I'm a woman. 
 
my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. 
If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball. 
"  
after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. 
He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me. 
" He's right. 
 
I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. 
I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. 
 
I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. 
Guess how I found out?  
while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. 
She started laughing. 
When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. 
 
I had it off for the first time. 
I couldn't wait for it to be over. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. 
He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. 
Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". 
 
my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. 
Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. 
 
while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. 
 
when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. 
I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. 
His reply was "Pay attention. 
You might learn something. 
"  
I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. 
Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. 
 
my boyfriend said we should reinact a porn episode he saw. 
I jokingly said yes. 
He had an outfit and everything. 
I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. 
 
I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. 
I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. 
I pretended to still be asleep. 
I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. 
I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. 
 
I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. 
We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. 
 
I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. 
After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. 
 
my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". 
For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. 
 
I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. 
She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark. 
"  
while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. 
He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. 
 
I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. 
That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. 
After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. 
 
I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. 
One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. 
He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. 
 
I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. 
Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. 
As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. 
You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. 
 
I got a 95 on my term project. 
To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. 
I only get laid if I get good grades. 
 
my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. 
She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. 
My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. 
 
in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. 
I asked what was wrong. 
She said, "I'm bored. 
"  
trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. 
I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. 
 
I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. 
My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. 
When the bra came off, the dick got soft. 
 
I got an allergic reaction to Nair. 
It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. 
Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. 
 
I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. 
I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. 
The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. 
 
I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. 
All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished. 
" We both had our clothes on the entire time. 
He is 23, I'm 25. 
I didn't know that was possible. 
 
I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. 
It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. 
 
after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. 
Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. 
 
after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. 
 
I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. 
While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. 
 
I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. 
My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. 
when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. 
 
I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. 
Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. 
 
my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. 
 
my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. 
As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. 
 
I found out the mature woman I had a one-night-stand with six weeks ago, is six weeks pregnant. 
I'm 21, she's 52. 
 
I bought Plan B for the first time. 
Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. 
 
I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. 
Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. 
She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. 
It looks like chicken fat. 
"  
I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. 
 
I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. 
I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. 
Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. 
 
I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. 
After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. 
 
as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich. 
" He seriously thought it was a turn on. 
 
before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. 
I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. 
 
my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. 
 
I drunkenly hooked up with my friend's cousin. 
After trying to stick his finger up my butt, he blacked out on top of me with his penis still hard inside me. 
I tried yelling his name and pushing him off, with no success. 
I ended up having to call my friend to help me. 
 
I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. 
Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. 
 
I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. 
After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. 
 
a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. 
On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. 
When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. 
 
I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. 
His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. 
I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. 
She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?"  
while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. 
And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier. 
" All her accusations are true. 
 
my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. 
His pubic hair that he'd just cut. 
 
I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. 
Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. 
He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. 
Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. 
 
I hung out with the guy I've liked for the first time in 3 years. 
And when he left, I gave him a hug, he pushed me, I tripped, and hit my head into the wall. 
Then to save his embarassment, pushed me over onto the couch and pretended to rape me. 
 
I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. 
 
my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. 
I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. 
Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. 
 
after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. 
Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. 
This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. 
 
I took the train to work. 
There was an older man standing behind me. 
Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. 
Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. 
It was an extremely bumpy train ride. 
I could also tell when he became hard. 
 
I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. 
To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrives. 
As we were going at it, he shits on my white carpet. 
Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. 
 
my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. 
 
while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. 
 
I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. 
Or it's going in your eye. 
' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. 
 
I was having sex with a girl. 
While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. 
 
I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. 
 
my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. 
 
I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. 
 
my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. 
In full detail. 
 
I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. 
 
I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. 
When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. 
She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?"  
I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. 
After we had finished I jokingly said, "who's going to sleep in the wet patch?". 
He got up and said "you're optimistic, I'm not staying. 
Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing". 
It was my first time. 
 
my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. 
I'm 21. 
 
I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. 
My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks. 
"  
my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. 
What a present. 
 
while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. 
I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax. 
"  
my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. 
He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. 
 
my girlfriend and I broke up. 
The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. 
She told me it was because she missed me so much. 
 
my husband and I were role playing to keep our marriage alive. 
His character was a deranged stalker while I was the helpless girl. 
My neighbor thought I was really being chased so she called the cops. 
Once they came we explained the whole story and got a fine for disturbing the peace. 
 
my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory. 
" When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower. 
"  
when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. 
My music teacher announces that it will be a tight fit and hard for everyone to fit in the area. 
The old teacher next to me leans over and whispers, "I'd like to fit in your tight area. 
"  
I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. 
I don't have a roommate. 
Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. 
 
I was taking a dump in a public restroom. 
Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. 
It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. 
I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. 
I was wrong. 
He was jacking off. 
I had to listen to it all. 
 
my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". 
For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth. 
"  
I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. 
Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. 
She fell asleep. 
 
my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. 
He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. 
He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. 
 
my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. 
Just to make me "proud" of myself. 
 
I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. 
 
I lost my virginity. 
It took all of 30 seconds. 
 
my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. 
Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. 
My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. 
 
I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. 
 
I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. 
 
I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. 
I had a hard on. 
 
my soon-to-be mother in law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. 
 
I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. 
He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. 
She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. 
My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. 
 
I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. 
I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. 
I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. 
 
I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. 
There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. 
I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. 
Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!"  
I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. 
I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. 
 
I met a guy online, and I realized the cyber sex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. 
 
I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. 
What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. 
 
I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. 
Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. 
Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. 
 
things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. 
Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. 
 
I got to talk to the guy I like. 
Thinking it would be about something pleasant. 
I was completely wrong. 
It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. 
 
my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. 
He said all of this in front of his friends. 
 
I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. 
 
my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". 
He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. 
He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. 
 
I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. 
I came across a word document titled "Experiences". 
Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. 
It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. 
 
after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. 
But does this mean we can have sex?"  
I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. 
After finishing on my face, he then left. 
My parents had to untie me. 
 
I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. 
 
my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. 
As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. 
He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. 
I burst out laughing. 
He left. 
 
I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. 
Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. 
Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. 
 
my fiancé and I were having wonderful sex with the bedroom door open. 
After 2 hours of loud, passionate sex, we turned to see the contractor working on our basement standing in the bathroom doorway down the hall looking into our room, smiling. 
 
I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. 
 
I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. 
I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. 
I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs. 
"  
I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey. 
" And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. 
 
my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. 
After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me. 
" I asked him how would he know. 
There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear. 
"  
I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. 
After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. 
 
while having hot sex with my boyfriend, I was experiencing my very first orgasm. 
Right when my mother walked in. 
We had no blankets. 
 
I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. 
Apparently, I just give good head. 
 
I told a girl she was beautiful on the inside and out. 
She still didn't sleep with me. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". 
 
I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. 
As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. 
I moaned. 
Loud. 
 
I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. 
Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. 
She has the same phone. 
 
I decided that it would be romantic to fill my girlfriends room with scented candles and suprise her when she was done with her shower. 
I lied there naked with Kenny G music playing softly. 
I heard a knock on the door, so i replied "come in". 
To my suprise it was her mom. 
 
while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. 
Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. 
Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. 
 
during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. 
I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. 
He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV. 
'  
my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. 
Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. 
I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. 
 
I got dumped. 
In a note. 
That my boyfriend gave to my sister. 
After he slept with her. 
In my bed. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided to have a little "fun" in our secluded backyard. 
It was only after we had finished that we noticed the three little girls, who live next door, jumping up and down on their trampoline, with their mouths wide open. 
 
the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. 
He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. 
The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. 
He lives less than five minutes away. 
 
I was hooking up with a guy I just met. 
Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. 
I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. 
 
I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. 
My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. 
He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. 
 
I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. 
I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. 
Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. 
 
I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. 
His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?"  
my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie. 
"  
my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. 
 
I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. 
While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. 
I refused. 
He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that. 
"  
I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. 
As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. 
After intense searching I  finally found it and put it on. 
It wasn't mine. 
 
my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. 
He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. 
I will never look at him in the same way again. 
He also made his hands "have sex". 
 
I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. 
A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. 
My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. 
I kissed her earlier that day. 
 
I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. 
After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. 
He thought I was masturbating. 
 
I was giving my boyfriend head. 
As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit. 
" I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. 
 
for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. 
He just laughed. 
 
my sister won a bet. 
She bet my best friend a burrito that I wouldn't lose my virginity within a year. 
I am twenty and have to drive my friend to Del Taco so he can buy my sister her victory burrito cause I didn't get laid. 
 
I saw my dad help himself to a sex stamina drink. 
He and mom share the hotel bed next to mine. 
 
my girlfriend asked me "is it in yet?". 
 
I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. 
 
I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. 
I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. 
Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. 
 
I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. 
I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. 
 
my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. 
 
a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. 
The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. 
 
I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. 
I told her that I loved her. 
She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. 
 
I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight. 
"  Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. 
Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. 
 
I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. 
 
my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. 
He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. 
 
I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. 
I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. 
He went to play golf with my dad later. 
 
I propositioned my boyfriend of two years to have sex with me in the shower to spice up our love life. 
He said that he was really busy. 
He was playing Call of Duty. 
 
the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. 
After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. 
My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. 
While he was still inside of me. 
 
while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. 
I think I need to get out more. 
 
my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. 
In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's. 
"  
I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. 
She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. 
A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. 
 
I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. 
We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. 
I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. 
I have explosive diarrhea anyways. 
" She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. 
I sent it to him. 
 
after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. 
I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. 
My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. 
 
I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. 
She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. 
When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. 
Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. 
 
the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. 
Bye bye sex. 
 
I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. 
 
my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. 
He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. 
He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. 
He thought milk was coming out. 
Turns out, it was just his gum. 
The moment was ruined. 
 
I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. 
We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. 
 
it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. 
He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. 
" He is 22. 
 
I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. 
I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. 
I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked. 
"  
I was at my girlfriend's house. 
We decided to have sex in her basement. 
All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. 
I had to watch it naked under a blanket. 
 
I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. 
 
I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. 
 
I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. 
I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. 
They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. 
I'll never be able to live this down. 
 
I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. 
 
after having sex several times, my romantic boyfriend went down on me. 
He took one lick before exclaiming "ugh! gross! ew! oh that tastes disgusting!"  
my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. 
He tried to put it in unerected. 
He was serious. 
 
I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. 
He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. 
Mood officially killed. 
 
I fell asleep while masturbating. 
I'm so bad that I bore myself. 
 
my boyfriend called my cell. 
I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". 
It was my dad. 
He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. 
 
I was snuggled in bed with my husband. 
He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. 
So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. 
I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. 
Apparently I still have it. 
 
my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. 
We got started at 11:53. 
I didn't last until midnight. 
 
my fiance and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. 
She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. 
Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. 
 
my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. 
Did I mention doggie style?  
I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves. 
" I'm scared to go in their room now. 
 
I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. 
With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". 
Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. 
 
I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". 
I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. 
Guess who isn't getting any. 
 
I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. 
I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. 
He started to sing "We Are The Champions. 
"   
I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. 
Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. 
I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me masturbating. 
 
the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. 
Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. 
Alex is my mom. 
 
I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. 
 
marks the second week straight without sex. 
Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. 
 
I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. 
As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library. 
" I wasn't invited. 
 
the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. 
Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. 
The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered "Well, she is masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!". 
 
my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. 
We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. 
He then feel asleep when I was on top. 
 
I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. 
She was eating a hot dog. 
She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you. 
" She then bit the hot dog in half. 
 
I was house-sitting for my boss. 
I was upstairs having mad, passionate sex in his jacuzzi tub. 
When the guy and I were done, I came downstairs to find the tub water pouring out of a ceiling light fixture on to the newly laid wood floor. 
The mildew is now unmistakable. 
 
I walked in on my mom and dad. 
It wasn't my dad. 
 
my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. 
 
my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. 
In front of me. 
 
I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. 
One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. 
He chose the dessert. 
Then told me I was an idiot. 
 
as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did. 
"  Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. 
Merry Christmas?  
I was making out with my girlfriend. 
Things got a little hot and I started to pull up my shirt. 
She screamed and told me to stop because the innocence of her stuffed animals was at stake. 
We are 18, and she was dead serious. 
 
I rejected my wife for sex. 
She then started to masturbate next to me. 
I got an erection. 
She then rejected me for sex. 
 
after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. 
He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. 
Now he won't talk to me. 
 
my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. 
He then reached for my chest. 
 
my girlfriend came over to my house. 
Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. 
Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. 
 
I found out where all my expensive bras and panties have been disappearing to. 
Apparently, while I'm at work, my fifteen year-old son's girlfriend has been stealing them after they have sex in my bed. 
 
I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. 
My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. 
She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. 
 
while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. 
He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. 
His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. 
 
I bought a laptop so that I could have dirty video chats with my internet girlfriend. 
I got home only to find that the only place I can get a decent wifi signal is in front of my mom's room. 
 
in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. 
After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. 
I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. 
 
I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. 
 
I sneezed seven times in a row. 
That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. 
 
after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. 
 
I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. 
I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. 
I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. 
I was on top. 
 
my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. 
He went to the restroom and I thought that I'd surprise him with my clothes off for when he came back. 
I heard him walk back into the room so I got into position. 
It wasn't him. 
It was his mom. 
 
it was my birthday. 
My girlfriend took me out to dinner. 
While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. 
She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. 
I was sitting at our booth the entire time. 
 
I found the only man who hates sex. 
He's my boyfriend. 
 
my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. 
I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. 
 
I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. 
We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. 
 
I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. 
His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?"  
my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. 
We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was "parent-appropriate. 
" Apparently we didn't notice the S&M catalog in the pile on our coffee table. 
. 
. 
but his mom sure did. 
 
I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. 
I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. 
Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. 
They saw everything. 
 
I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. 
I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of that, how to fake an orgasm. 
 
my boyfriend gave me my first compliment in months. 
Apparently my body spray makes me smell like a stripper. 
He then asked me if he could "park the beef bus in tuna town". 
 
I had a friend over. 
We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. 
We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. 
 
I woke up and my boyfriend was already awake. 
Feeling in the mood I slipped off my nightdress and looked him in the eye. 
He looked me up and down, smiled seductively, reached over. 
. 
. 
and turned his PS3 on. 
 
my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. 
I was watching the Terminator on T. 
V. 
A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. 
We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back. 
" in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. 
 
my wife and I were getting intimate. 
I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. 
Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies. 
" This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. 
 
after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. 
As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. 
I looked. 
He looked. 
And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. 
 
I got a call from my girlfriend of 13 months. 
She told me that she had gotten chlamydia from the guy she cheated on me with, and that I most likely have it too. 
I gave her a diamond ring, she gave me chlamydia. 
 
I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. 
As I was licking, she giggled and said "You sound like a dog. 
" Romance ruined. 
 
I was watching TV with my mom. 
The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. 
I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. 
I bet you can guess what she added. 
 
I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. 
As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. 
I don't think I can ever speak to him again. 
 
my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. 
The rest of the family stood there laughing. 
This is what I'm marrying into?  
I was on a stationary bike at the gym. 
I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. 
I felt something cool "down below". 
I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. 
 
I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. 
He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. 
 
a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. 
She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. 
I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. 
I was face to face with hairy muff. 
 
I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. 
I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. 
It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. 
I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. 
 
I was trying to guess the password my dad set for our house wifi connection. 
I was messing around with my friends and tried 'penis', for fun. 
Oooops, yes it was. 
 
my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. 
We only used text. 
Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. 
As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. 
 
I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. 
We had sex for two minutes. 
 
my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. 
On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. 
We just said we were tired from moving house. 
Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. 
We heard everything. 
Loud and clear. 
 
I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. 
I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. 
First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?"  
I fainted for the first time in my life. 
I was in the shower. 
With my girlfriend. 
Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. 
 
I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. 
I immediately burst into tears. 
He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. 
 
I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. 
 
I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. 
When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. 
 
me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. 
While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. 
Turns out she was having an orgasm. 
I still can't give her one. 
 
I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. 
 
I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. 
So I did. 
Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. 
 
my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. 
I cheered when Hawaii won. 
My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. 
 
I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. 
 
after sleeping with my boyfriend of two years he told me while we were about to make love to, "Pull your hair back, the way your sister does it. 
"  
I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. 
He just pretended it never happened. 
 
I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. 
To my boyfriend. 
 
my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. 
I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. 
She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday. 
"  
I found a camera someone left at our house. 
I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. 
 
I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. 
To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. 
 
I woke up early. 
As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. 
 
I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. 
He said trying anal would be fine. 
 
I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. 
He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. 
Suddenly he began to look nervous. 
I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. 
 
I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time. 
" He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. 
Just kidding, you'll probably get laid. 
" He replied, "Oh. 
Well I would if it was for the conversation. 
"  
while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. 
After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. 
I've been getting emails with naked pictures. 
 
I met my wife's other husband. 
 
I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. 
I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. 
She lent her jacket to a friend. 
 
I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. 
He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe. 
"  
my fiance and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. 
After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. 
We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. 
 
I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. 
Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. 
 
I went on a blind date. 
It was going well until I brought up my views on politics. 
He then told me to shut up because women were incapable of intelligent thought. 
Then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place and have sex. 
 
I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. 
He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?"  
my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. 
He ended up biting my leg. 
 
I was at my boyfriend's house. 
We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. 
Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. 
I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. 
 
my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. 
 
when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. 
I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. 
When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down,  glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. 
 
I woke up in my roommate's bed. 
Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. 
In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. 
He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. 
 
I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. 
She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). 
She also showed my dad. 
 
I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. 
 
since we hadn't be romantic for a while, I shaved, bathed, cut my hair and snuggled naked up to my husband in bed. 
He got up went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. 
 
my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. 
Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. 
When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. 
 
a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. 
An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!"  
I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. 
My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. 
I explained but she doesn't believe me. 
 
my girlfriend and I were sitting downstairs with my mom. 
We heard the dog running around upstairs and called it down. 
It came running down the stairs. 
With a used condom in its mouth. 
The same condom my girlfriend and I lost two weeks ago. 
It put it directly in my mom's hands. 
 
while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. 
He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister. 
" He then got dressed and called her. 
 
while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!"  
I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. 
She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway. 
"  
my girlfriend made me shave my chest. 
Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. 
She won't have sex with me until it grows back. 
 
my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. 
He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. 
Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. 
 
my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy. 
"  
I found out that my mother cheated on my father. 
It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. 
The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. 
 
I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. 
Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. 
Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. 
When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. 
 
my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. 
He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. 
Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. 
That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. 
 
I was having an intimate moment with my detachable showerhead. 
I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. 
The only thing he said was, 'You too?'  
I got home from a small vacation. 
Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. 
Turns out she wasn't. 
However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. 
 
my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. 
Her next text was "but it's still over. 
"  
it was my husband's and my anniversary. 
He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". 
You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. 
I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. 
 
I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. 
Earplugs did not help. 
 
I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. 
His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. 
 
my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. 
Later, I lost my virginity. 
The chicken was better than he was. 
 
my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. 
I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. 
She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you. 
"  
I was performing an experiment in science class. 
The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. 
Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. 
My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that. 
"  
before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". 
There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. 
 
I've had no sleep. 
Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. 
After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. 
I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. 
 
I walked in on my dad and his new "girlfriend". 
A couple days ago I realized that my sexy clothes that my boyfriend had bought me for our anniversary was missing. 
Guess who was wearing it?  
I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. 
I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. 
Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. 
 
I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. 
She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. 
 
I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. 
I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. 
The first thing my boyfriend said was 'the colours don't match'. 
 
a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. 
Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. 
Only problem. 
The number posted wasn't hers. 
. 
. 
It was mine. 
I'm a 21 year old guy. 
 
I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. 
It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. 
 
I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. 
Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. 
He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. 
He was right. 
 
I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. 
I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. 
She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. 
Half naked. 
I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. 
 
my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. 
He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. 
 
I was hanging out with my friends. 
My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. 
I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. 
His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. 
 
I woke up after a night of drinking to find a very gorgeous girl in my bed. 
Her only words to me were "did anything happen?" When I replied yes she began to cry. 
Nice to know I was someone's rock bottom. 
 
I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics. 
" She did. 
 
I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. 
This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. 
I had everything planned out to be very romantic. 
She loved how it was set up. 
After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. 
 
driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. 
We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. 
We ended up playing connect four instead. 
 
I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. 
I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. 
I didn't even know my daughter was gay. 
 
I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. 
I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. 
 
my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. 
After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. 
I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. 
 
my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. 
My parents are still together. 
 
I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. 
In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. 
When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. 
 
my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. 
I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. 
I can never take oral sex seriously again. 
 
I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. 
She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. 
No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. 
 
I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. 
 
I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. 
 
my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. 
He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. 
They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. 
 
the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. 
As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. 
He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. 
Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. 
 
 I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. 
I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. 
It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. 
It was my first day. 
 
my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. 
She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. 
I didn't know how to reply. 
I was hard while she told me. 
 
I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. 
 
while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. 
 
I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. 
Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. 
I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. 
 
after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. 
It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. 
 
I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. 
Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. 
I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. 
 
my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. 
In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. 
Just their ass. 
"  
I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. 
My sister is sleeping with my ex. 
My roommate is sleeping with my brother. 
And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. 
 
I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. 
Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. 
My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. 
There was an awkward moment of silence. 
 
I came to the realization that not even the prospect of prolonging my penis can motivate me to lose weight. 
 
I took my first Viagra. 
It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". 
After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. 
My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. 
 
I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. 
That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. 
 
my girlfriend and I watched Juno. 
When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. 
She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. 
 
I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. 
Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. 
He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?"  
my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. 
I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. 
 
I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. 
The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. 
I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that. 
"  
I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. 
 
I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. 
I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. 
Which was quickly followed by laughter. 
 
I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. 
He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower. 
"  
whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. 
She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom. 
"  
I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. 
Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me. 
"  
my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. 
On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. 
In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much. 
"  
after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. 
 
I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. 
His response was that the procedure is to "get over it. 
" And he went back to reading. 
 
I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. 
It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. 
It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. 
 
my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. 
I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. 
She was playing solitaire on her computer. 
 
I had a wet dream. 
The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. 
I can't even get laid in my dreams. 
 
I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. 
He responds by filing sexual harrassment charges against me. 
 
my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. 
She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. 
She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. 
 
I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. 
It hurts to walk. 
 
my mother had 'the talk' with me about sex. 
I spent the entire time confused as to what brought this up, until she mentioned she had found a used condom in the backseat of the car. 
I haven't had any action in it, and have no idea whose it was. 
 
I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. 
 
my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. 
We have already done it. 
I don't think he meant to send that text to me. 
 
my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. 
I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. 
I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. 
 
my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. 
We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. 
We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. 
 
my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. 
 
at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. 
I opened the card to find a condom. 
I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. 
Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. 
 
I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. 
So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. 
 
while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white. 
"  
my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. 
 
my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on facebook for everyone to see. 
 
I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. 
He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. 
I asked him what prompted this story. 
He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. 
 
I was paying for coffee and accitentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. 
Walking home, I realised that is the closest I have been to getting laid in two years. 
 
my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. 
I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. 
His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. 
 
I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. 
Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. 
 
my fiance was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. 
He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. 
 
I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. 
I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. 
 
I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. 
I'd always imagined it to be a romantic moment. 
It turned out that 'Saw 5' was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. 
 
my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. 
I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. 
So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. 
 
I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. 
I was on their bed having sex with their daughter. 
 
I was talking to my best friend. 
After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. 
 
while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. 
 
after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly. 
. 
. 
and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. 
 
I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. 
I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. 
 
I went to a school committee meeting. 
I sat opposite my boyfriend. 
To get his attention I began stroking his crotch area with my leg. 
The principal stood up 5 minutes later pulling me under the table. 
My tights were caught in his zipper. 
 
I walked into the bathroom and saw my beautiful girlfriend of 9 months shaving her face. 
Seeing my shocking reflection she says "Honey, we need to talk". 
She told me that she was born a man and had a full sex change the year before she met me. 
Yes, we've had sex. 
 
my little sister asked what masturbation was. 
We where having a family dinner with my grandparents. 
My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro. 
"  
I was feeling really horny. 
I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. 
I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl. 
'  
I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. 
He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. 
Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. 
 
while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk. 
"  We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. 
 
I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. 
One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. 
I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. 
 
I was searching for a travel bag. 
I looked in my parents room for one. 
I found one alright, with all there sex toys in it. 
 
I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. 
Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. 
 
I found out that being rhythmically challenged really really sucks. 
I was trying to dance around sexily for my girlfriend, and I was doing that one move where you thrust your pelvis forward, and swing you hand from side to side. 
I hit myself in the nuts. 
 
I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. 
I've never had sex in my own room. 
 
I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. 
Still no action. 
 
I got it on for the first time with a guy I've been dating. 
He had to turn the TV up loud so that his mom couldn't hear anything. 
I'm 20 years old and I lost my virginity with Disney Channel blaring in the background. 
 
I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. 
My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. 
 
my boyfriend is coming over. 
We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. 
I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. 
Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. 
 
my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. 
 
my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. 
She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. 
I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. 
 
I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. 
It means "I'm sexually excited". 
. 
. 
more or less. 
I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. 
With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. 
 
my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. 
At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body. 
"  
I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. 
I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. 
He came home and didn't come in my room for 20 minutes because of a football game. 
 
my boss asked me to take some of the female mannequins and change the outfits. 
As I was changing them, I realized that this was the most action I've gotten in almost a year. 
Not only am I twenty-seven, but I'm married. 
 
I finally told my fiance about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. 
He immediately broke off the wedding. 
His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't 'pure'. 
 
I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. 
After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. 
I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. 
 
I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. 
He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. 
 
while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". 
I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. 
She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. 
We never finished. 
 
I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. 
I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. 
Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. 
I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. 
 
I told my mother that I'm pregnant. 
She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. 
I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. 
 
I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. 
It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. 
I passed out. 
I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. 
 
while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. 
He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. 
Then I get a response: "this is his sister. 
He fell asleep and I need the computer. 
I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". 
 
I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. 
I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. 
It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. 
 
I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. 
They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. 
When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. 
 
I woke up to find my cat, dead, hanging from the ceiling fan. 
On the wall, it said, "You touch my wife's pussy , I touch yours. 
" My friend who lives across the street was talking about having great fun last night with an older woman. 
Wrong house. 
 
I realized that when my new roommate said we could both use the condoms he bought, he didn't mean separately. 
 
I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. 
His response? "That's neat. 
But we can still have sex, right?"  
my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. 
She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. 
 
at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. 
His reply? "Not as good as her sister. 
" His defense? "It was only one time. 
"  
my girlfriend left me for her boss. 
The same boss that, two weeks ago, caused her to come to me crying because he was sexually harassing her at work. 
When I told her I'd intervene, she told me she'd handle it. 
I guess she certainly did. 
 
I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. 
After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. 
 
my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. 
And yes, that was my first time. 
 
I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. 
We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. 
I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. 
 
during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. 
But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. 
 
my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. 
A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. 
Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. 
My boss made that call and just fired me. 
 
my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. 
 
I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and we were hanging out, talking, and enjoying each others company. 
Then he looked into my eyes and right when I thought he was going to kiss me, he said "I can feel your heartbeat on my dick. 
"  
my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. 
Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. 
 
while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother. 
"  
I was at a party with my boyfriend. 
There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. 
When we came out we got weird looks. 
It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. 
 
trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. 
I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. 
Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. 
I found the treasure in my mouth. 
 
I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. 
 
I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. 
My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. 
She didn't leave. 
She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. 
 
I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. 
I never got to the pouncing. 
Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. 
My ear is still ringing. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. 
He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. 
 
I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. 
One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. 
Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. 
I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. 
 
my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. 
When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. 
Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 
3 times. 
 
I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. 
 
I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. 
I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. 
 
my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. 
Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. 
That would've been awkward. 
 
my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. 
She's a screamer. 
 
I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. 
Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. 
I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. 
 
my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. 
I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. 
Puzzled, I ask him why. 
He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . 
Offended, I go to get off. 
'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. 
 
I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. 
My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. 
 
I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. 
His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. 
 
I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. 
I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. 
It was 6am. 
 
I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. 
I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. 
I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. 
 
I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. 
I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David. 
" Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!"  
as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. 
We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. 
Turns out they'd had great sex also. 
 
I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. 
As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. 
Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up. 
"  
my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. 
Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. 
She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. 
She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. 
 
after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. 
I couldn't get it up. 
 
I got a new cell phone. 
I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. 
I was texting the wrong number. 
 
my wife and I had another couple over. 
My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. 
I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. 
Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. 
She screamed and slapped me. 
It wasn't my wife. 
 
I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. 
When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. 
She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. 
Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. 
 
I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". 
I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. 
My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". 
 
I was at a friend's party. 
All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with. 
" Then everyone scrambled to find someone. 
There was just enough guy-girl pairs. 
This hot girl and I were the only two left. 
She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom. 
"  
my fiance, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. 
 
my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. 
She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. 
When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks. 
"  
the girl I have been dating for the past five years asked me to move to California with her to get married. 
Naturally, I was thrilled and said, "Of course, when do you want to leave?". 
She just stared at me blankly and said, "Shit, I was kidding. 
"  
my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. 
During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter. 
" I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. 
 
my 14 year old daughter told me she's pregnant. 
I work as a public speaker for promoting celibacy and safe sex. 
 
an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. 
I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. 
She looked down and laughed. 
 
I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. 
 
my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. 
A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. 
And we didn't even have sex. 
 
I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. 
Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. 
Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". 
I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex. 
After about 10 minutes, when we change positions, he shouts: "Power Rangers - Transform!"  
I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. 
At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. 
He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. 
Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. 
 
my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, and then he said, "Lets pretend you are someone else. 
"  
in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. 
 
my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. 
No, let me correct myself. 
my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. 
 
I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. 
When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. 
It was the longest return of my life. 
 
I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. 
When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. 
I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. 
Cockblocked by another pussy. 
 
I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. 
He tenderly started touching my thigh, then started shaking my leg to the rhythm while singing the J-E-L-L-O theme song. 
 
I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. 
I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. 
 
while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. 
So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. 
He thought I was getting off on the music video. 
 
while having sex I realized two things. 
First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. 
I was more annoyed with the second one. 
 
my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. 
We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. 
I suggested sex as the reward. 
She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. 
 
my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. 
Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. 
Five years and two kids into our marriage. 
 
I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. 
I thought I'd found a catch. 
We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. 
Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!"  
I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. 
 
I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. 
I forgave her. 
She thinks it's because I love her. 
It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. 
 
I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. 
She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. 
I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. 
 
as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. 
My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. 
He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. 
 
my parents decided to visit me. 
When I first got my apartment I gave them a key "just in case" and today they used this key to enter when I didn't answer their knocking. 
I didn't answer because I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
My parents saw everything. 
They didn't know I was gay. 
 
a friend of mine was talking about how he'd spent over 30 hours on Call of Duty. 
I piped up and said "Oh yeah! Well I've spent well over 300 hours on Morrowind! Beat that!" To which he replied, "I've had sex. 
Beat that!" I couldn't. 
 
I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. 
Apparently he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn't realize until after. 
When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. 
I want you to have my child. 
" It had been our second date. 
 
as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. 
Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. 
After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. 
 
while entering the building I live in, I walked into my neighbor who winked at me and said last night must have been great. 
After I asked why, he said he could hear my girlfriend moaning and screaming, and that I must be pretty good at it. 
I was just coming back from a week overseas. 
 
I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. 
After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds. 
"  
me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. 
I said to him, "Do what ever you want". 
He got up and said he'd be right back. 
I thought he went to get a condom. 
He came back with a sandwich. 
 
I ran into my new apartment neighbor. 
She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. 
She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. 
My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. 
I politely declined. 
 
I was having sex with my husband. 
As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. 
But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
Halfway through he asked me what day it was. 
I told him, "Friday. 
" He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. 
 
my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. 
I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. 
As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough. 
"  
while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. 
He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. 
 
I was having sex with a girl. 
She was really into it and not holding back on the noise. 
. 
. 
That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it. 
. 
. 
Trust me, I know. 
"  
I was talking with a close friend (who is a virgin) about why he did not want to have sex with a prostitute. 
He told me that  "It's not nice to know that the girl you are having sex with has slept with half the country", he then added "That is exactly why I would not have sex with you". 
 
I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. 
He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. 
The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. 
 
I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. 
Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. 
Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am. 
"  
I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. 
While doing so she was lying on her back. 
I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". 
She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. 
She got bored instead of excited. 
 
my boyfriend took me on a surprise date night down a dirt road to a field in the middle of nowhere. 
He packed some blankets, a bottle of wine, and some condoms. 
He didn't know the dirt road was actually a driveway until all of our clothes were off. 
 
I had my first blow job. 
My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. 
By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. 
 
I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. 
I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. 
He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. 
I just found out my parents are swingers. 
 
after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. 
The angry woman standing there introduced herself. 
''Hi, I'm your neighbor. 
My seven year old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. 
Do you think you could keep it down?''  
I woke up and called my boyfriend. 
We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was home and we didn't have to be quiet. 
Afterwards, I walk out into the kitchen. 
My mum hadn't gone to work that morning. 
 
my girlfriend and I decided to change things up by having sex on her trampoline in her backyard. 
After about an hour of some of the best sex I've ever had, my girlfriend turns to me and says "I hope my dad didn't see us. 
" He was out there mowing the lawn. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. 
We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. 
He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. 
There goes my sex life. 
 
my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked "What's better?  The sex or ice cream?"  Apparently I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. 
 
I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. 
The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. 
When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. 
 
my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. 
We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. 
I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. 
 
this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. 
He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. 
He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. 
 
I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. 
She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. 
 
I discovered that my cheating, stealing ex boyfriend is posting pictures of naked women having group sex, with my face photoshopped onto them. 
He sent those to my boss, my friends, my family, only because I refused to bail his drunken self out of jail a couple weeks ago. 
 
I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. 
I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. 
Then I sent face pics. 
As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. 
Apparently I'm ugly. 
 
a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. 
He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. 
 
I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. 
"What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. 
When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. 
I found a membership card to a sex club. 
 
my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. 
I was last and I was the smallest. 
I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. 
They now call me "the stereotype". 
 
my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk. 
My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. 
I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. 
 
I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. 
Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. 
 
I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. 
I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. 
 
my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. 
Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. 
She began sobbing uncontrollably. 
 
my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". 
It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. 
 
I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. 
An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". 
 
my boyfriend told me that we would be living out one of his fantasies. 
When I showed up, ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. 
Spock. 
 
I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. 
She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. 
The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. 
 
my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. 
He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry. 
"  
I told my boyfriend I was really horny. 
He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". 
He said I should do it for him. 
It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. 
 
I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. 
 
my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. 
I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. 
 
my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. 
 
it was my boyfriends birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. 
He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. 
Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am. 
"  
while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered,"We are so gonna make pizza after this!"  
after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. 
We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. 
An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly. 
"  
while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. 
He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. 
However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. 
 
my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. 
We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. 
While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. 
He was checking his email. 
 
in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto. 
" She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokemon. 
That may make you even sexier. 
" She knows nothing about Pokemon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. 
 
I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. 
She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. 
About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. 
 
I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. 
After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. 
 
I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. 
After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. 
I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. 
It's called a threesome with my neighbor. 
They still don't know that I know. 
 
I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. 
We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". 
 
my boyfriend and I were on the phone. 
He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. 
So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby. 
" All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. 
He responded, "Ew, that just killed it. 
"  
I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. 
Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied. 
"  
I was at a friend's party. 
Her neighbor and I really hit it off. 
We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. 
We started hooking up when my friend ran over. 
Apparently they could see everything. 
We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. 
 
I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. 
Everyone in town has know for years, except for me and my older brother. 
 
I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. 
I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. 
I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. 
 
I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. 
When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer. 
. 
. 
"   
my mom gave me a talk on safe sex. 
During a three hour car ride. 
With my friends in the back seat. 
 
it was my fifth wedding anniversary. 
After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?"  
I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. 
We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. 
When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. 
He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. 
Meh, I'm going back to work. 
"  
I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit. 
"  
to get back at me for breaking up with him, my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to post semi nude pictures of me on Craigslist. 
To top it off, he decided to give all 200+ people who responded to my ad my home phone number. 
I'm getting non-stop calls from horny freaks. 
 
at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. 
They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. 
 
at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. 
We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. 
We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. 
 
my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. 
We haven't had sex yet. 
 
my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. 
 
my crush came over and we began to fool around. 
He started to kiss my stomach, and just when I was getting into it, he pulled away with a disgusted look on his face, wiped his mouth, and said, "We'll continue this when you get rid of all your bellybutton lint. 
"  
I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. 
my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. 
I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. 
 
while deleting my ex-fiance's account off my computer, I saved her pics. 
I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. 
 
I found out I was pregnant. 
When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast. 
"  
I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". 
I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. 
My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. 
 
I was on my girlfriend's computer. 
When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. 
The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis. 
"  
a friend of mine told me that he knew I was into kinky sex, "like getting tied up. 
" I just stared at him, spluttering simple question words and wondering how on earth he could possibly know that about me. 
I then realized that he had been joking. 
Too late. 
 
my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. 
As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. 
 
my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. 
I butt dialed my mom in the process. 
My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. 
After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. 
 
I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. 
After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. 
 
I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. 
The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. 
 
my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. 
I'm 12 years older than he is. 
 
I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. 
Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. 
I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. 
 
I was working at the gas station. 
An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. 
A really beautiful girl walked by. 
I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. 
I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. 
She was smiling and gave a slight moan. 
 
I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. 
After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. 
His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. 
 
I was in the car with my mom and dad. 
My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. 
My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him 20$. 
My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. 
 
my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. 
I told him no need, I was on my period. 
He turned the car around and took me home. 
 
I had sex with my fiancee. 
My panties fell behind the bed. 
Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. 
Only one pair was mine. 
 
I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. 
When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom. 
" Ray is my new step dad. 
 
I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. 
I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. 
Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. 
Happy Birthday, Mom. 
 
I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. 
After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. 
We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. 
 
being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. 
My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. 
 
it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. 
I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. 
So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. 
It was expensive. 
What does he get me? A condom. 
Three actually. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. 
It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. 
My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. 
He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. 
 
my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. 
She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. 
If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. 
 
I checked my voicemail. 
I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. 
I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. 
 
I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. 
My mom recorded it. 
 
I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex. 
" She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". 
She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. 
 
I was watching a movie with my parents. 
They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. 
Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. 
Three feet away from me. 
 
I was completely wasted at my bachelor party, and my friends thought it would be funny to put sodium nitrate on my penis. 
Sodium nitrate makes your skin dark purple for a couple of weeks. 
My wedding is next week and my fiancee has never seen me naked. 
 
I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. 
We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. 
I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". 
 
my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. 
We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today. 
" Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. 
Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. 
 
I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. 
Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. 
His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits. 
"  
my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". 
We haven't had sex in 6 days. 
 
I realized that a Ph. 
D. 
in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. 
I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. 
 
I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. 
Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. 
We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. 
I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. 
 
I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. 
I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. 
He didn't believe me. 
 
my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. 
She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. 
I asked her how long did she know. 
She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn. 
"  
my daughter asked me what the youngest age you should start having sex is, being a good mother I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. 
My daughter then said, "Oh. 
. 
. 
shoot. 
" and walked away. 
My daughter is twelve. 
 
at lifeguard class, I played a victim while my peers strapped me to the backboard in the water. 
When I was strapped down, I got wood in a wet swimsuit. 
My hands were strapped down so I could do nothing to hide it. 
 
my friend told me that semen was inflammable. 
Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. 
Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. 
Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. 
 
my girlfriend and I were having sex. 
Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. 
It turns out that it was a camera. 
My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. 
She saw the whole thing. 
 
I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. 
Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. 
So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. 
She said she meditated. 
 
I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. 
There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. 
I just figured out why now. 
I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. 
They talk about it when I'm not around. 
 
I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. 
After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. 
I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. 
 
my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. 
We haven't had sex since last September. 
Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. 
 
I was in line at a checkout. 
I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. 
The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. 
 
my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. 
The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. 
The bad news: I came on her black dress. 
She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. 
Hard. 
 
I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. 
I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. 
 
I had sex with this guy who I like very much. 
As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. 
So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. 
He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. 
 
my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. 
We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. 
He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting sex. 
" Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. 
 
 I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. 
He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. 
 
I went out to dinner with my brother. 
There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. 
When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. 
He asked me if my brother was single. 
 
is the first day of my honeymoon. 
It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. 
We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids. 
. 
. 
Day one, I got my period 7 days early. 
 
I realized how much I hate my apartment. 
Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. 
I honestly don't know which is worse. 
 
was my boyfriends birthday. 
He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. 
In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. 
Into my head. 
 
I took my girlfriend's virginity. 
A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed. 
"  
I helped my grandparents carry luggage to their hotel room, where they're staying the night tonight after my wedding reception. 
Their room is 203. 
Mine is 201. 
Their room shares a wall with my honeymoon suite. 
My grandparents are going to hear me consummate my marriage. 
 
at about 1 a. 
m. 
I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. 
I have been out of town for 3 days. 
 
one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. 
She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . 
I'd been secretly seeing him all year. 
 
my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. 
Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. 
I told her I was singing. 
Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. 
 
I was having sex with a girl. 
Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. 
I missed. 
I smacked my balls instead. 
Real hard. 
 
my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. 
Under it, it read "you can pick your stuff up in the morning. 
"  
I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. 
So did my mom. 
 
I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. 
He was strangely quiet. 
Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. 
He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. 
 
I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. 
I practised them all evening before I met her. 
I told her my feelings, and she scowled. 
Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. 
 
while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. 
He asked me if this was "the red light district. 
" I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy. 
"  
my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. 
 
my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. 
 
I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. 
For months we had been fighting about his new flame. 
After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. 
I awoke to him moaning her name. 
Followed by pelvic thrusts. 
 
I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. 
He questioned us for a solicitation. 
I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. 
Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. 
 
I went to the bar with some friends. 
When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. 
The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. 
He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. 
 
my husband called me from work just to chat. 
He asked what I had been up to today. 
I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. 
It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. 
 
I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. 
I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. 
It was going amazing, better than sex. 
I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. 
 
I went to take off her bra, and when I finally unhooked it from behind her, it snapped back and hit me in the eye. 
 
at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. 
I repeatedly pushed my bladder. 
Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. 
My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. 
When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!"  
I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. 
I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. 
Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. 
 
as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. 
As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind. 
"  
was my senior prom. 
I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. 
I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. 
 
I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. 
I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. 
Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. 
 
I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. 
He is 12. 
 
I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you F*ing cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. 
 
I was alone in my friend's kitchen. 
I had "Don't Cha"  stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. 
I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. 
With a boner. 
 
I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. 
With my toothbrush. 
 
my husband and I decided to get a little frisky in bed. 
After we were done we lay spent on our bed then only to hear weird noises coming from our doorway. 
To our surprise not only had our daughter taken her first steps but has been watching  and now making the noises as well. 
 
I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. 
They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. 
 
my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. 
 
I had a date with this really cute guy. 
He invited me over to make dinner at his place. 
Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. 
He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit. 
"  
I was camping. 
Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. 
It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. 
I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. 
I got cockblocked by a raccoon. 
 
I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. 
Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. 
 
I got prostate examination for the first time. 
Now I can't decide what's worse, the fact that I got a boner when the doc inserted his finger, or the fact that my wife told the story to pretty much everybody we know. 
 
I was at a 21st birthday party. 
It got to the bit where they blow out the candles and the girl hosting blew out her candles. 
While she was blowing I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she will be blowing tonight". 
The guy next to me was her dad. 
 
I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. 
I'm 24. 
 
I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. 
 
my mother found condoms in my room. 
She asked why and I said "Just in case. 
" She started laughing hysterically. 
 
I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. 
Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. 
However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. 
 
after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. 
After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it. 
" She was talking about how I text people a lot. 
 
I met a hot guy at the club. 
We danced and had a really good time, so I invited him home with me for the night. 
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of what I thought to be running water. 
I looked up to find him, naked and pissing into my air conditioner unit. 
 
I was at a club with a friend. 
A cute guy kept smiling and looking over at me. 
He left his seat and went to the bar and brought back two drinks. 
He waved me over and then said, "Can you tell your hot friend that I bought her a drink?"  
I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. 
I made them coffee and started to close up. 
When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. 
I had to wait for him to finish before closing. 
 
my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. 
Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. 
Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. 
 
I hooked up with a girl from the bar. 
We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. 
I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. 
 
I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. 
I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. 
 
I was getting it on with my cute guy friend in his candlelit bedroom and we had just started tearing each other's clothes off. 
I decided to be coy and sexy and flip my hair to the side. 
As I did so, my long hair caught in the flames of his lit candles and caught half of my head on fire. 
 
I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. 
I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. 
She simply asked me "when" so I replied ". 
. 
. 
towards the end". 
I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. 
 
there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. 
My dad entered, and ended up winning. 
He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. 
Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. 
 
I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. 
I was joking. 
He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. 
He was serious. 
 
my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. 
We haven't had sex yet. 
 
I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. 
Click here to Join"  
it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. 
She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. 
 
I met my boyfriend in Hong Kong after being apart for almost 6 months. 
We got to our room and got right down to business. 
I was just about to come when a voice came over the PA system in the room. 
"This is just a fire alarm test, sorry for any inconvenience. 
"  
I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. 
They expired five years ago. 
I'm still waiting for my first time. 
 
I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. 
The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. 
 
I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. 
It got really intense, so did my moans. 
Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". 
 
there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. 
I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. 
Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. 
 
my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. 
As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. 
I tried to say 'Hi' to him, but he didn't hear me. 
I then noticed that he was masturbating. 
 
I had sex with a new guy. 
After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. 
After,  when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. 
 
my next door neighbor told me that his good looking mom has to get curtains for her bed room because she saw some "perv" looking  at her while she was changing last night. 
It's not my fault that my bedroom window has a perfect view of hers and that she has no drapes. 
 
I sent a random forward to the ladies at my office. 
When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. 
They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. 
 
I went to the Verizon because my phone was broken. 
It hadn't rang in 3 weeks. 
I hadn't gotten any text messages either. 
So, I got to the store they check out my phone. 
They told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my phone. 
No one had called me in 3 weeks. 
Then they charged me $30. 
 
me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. 
On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. 
When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. 
I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. 
She felt it. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex. 
Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder. 
" My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?"  
my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. 
In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. 
My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed. 
"  
my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. 
She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. 
We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. 
When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. 
 
I found out my parents joined the mile high club. 
While I was on the plane. 
 
my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. 
Excitedly, I agreed. 
He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. 
I didn't get to drive. 
 
was my wedding night. 
We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. 
When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this. 
"  
I went to a chinese restaurant with my asian girlfriend. 
When she went into the bathroom I practiced saying "Can we have sex" in chinese which is where she is from. 
After saying it a few times out loud, a waiter walked by and stared at me. 
When he gave me the check he included his number. 
 
I decided to give my virginity to my boyfriend of four months, because I told him I loved him. 
Two minutes after he'd pulled out, he grabs his cell and mass texts "I FINALLY GOT LAID!". 
 
my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. 
When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. 
To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. 
At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. 
 
I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. 
How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me. 
" An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. 
I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. 
 
my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. 
When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. 
 
after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. 
I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. 
Her response was, "That's so funny! It's a typical night out for the two of us. 
I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours. 
"  
I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. 
 
I had sex for the first time with the guy I've been seeing about a month. 
When we finished, all he wanted to do was kiss and cuddle, and all I could think about was how soon he would leave so I could cry. 
 
I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. 
Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. 
 
I was hanging out with a few of my friends, including an old ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend of 5 years. 
When my ex, whose virginity I had taken years earlier, mentioned, "I had the iPhone first," without thinking, I immediately responded, "Well, I had YOU first. 
"  
I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. 
I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public. 
" It was his mom. 
 
I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. 
I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". 
 
I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. 
It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. 
The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. 
It was about bacon. 
 
I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. 
"Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. 
The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. 
 
my boyfriend and I were "fooling around. 
" It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. 
This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. 
I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty. 
"  
I was in a bathroom stall peeing. 
Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. 
They then had sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. 
I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. 
 
while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. 
While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. 
 
I went to the midnight premiere of Angels & Demons. 
A hobo wandered into the theater and sat down behind me. 
I paid $10 to spend two and a half hours listening to a crazy man talk to himself and kick my chair while he loudly masturbated. 
 
my best friend got a new boyfriend. 
She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. 
I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. 
He said a blow job. 
 
my dad was in town for 1 day. 
We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. 
Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". 
My dad told me he would be right back. 
They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. 
we talked for 15 minutes. 
 
I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift WAY more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. 
I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. 
 
I was taking the AP Biology exam. 
It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. 
I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. 
 
I came home from working twelve hours straight. 
Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. 
She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. 
It was only 6:30 PM. 
 
after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. 
Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. 
 
I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. 
Did I come home on time? Yes. 
Was my shirt right side out? No. 
 
my parents hosted a party at our house. 
After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. 
When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. 
It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. 
 
I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. 
I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. 
 
I was watching an animal behavior movie. 
All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. 
I got hard watching it. 
 
while working as a makeup artist in the mall, I was approached by a man who wanted to try lipstick (not unusual we do a lot of drag). 
While I'm applying it he starts to make gross noises and after a quick glance I realize he has a massive erection. 
He then whispers mmmm don't stop now. 
 
I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. 
She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night. 
" I just met her last night. 
 
I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. 
No wonder he always ever called me 'baby. 
'  
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. 
I then called out my own name by accident. 
 
my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. 
My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. 
My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter. 
"  
I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. 
Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. 
I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. 
 
I saw a couple of beetles doing it. 
Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. 
 
while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. 
As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. 
Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. 
 
I was talking with this cute guy. 
I mentioned the fact that I'm single. 
His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck. 
"  
I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. 
My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. 
I'm not making this up. 
 
I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. 
I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. 
After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you,"  
I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. 
We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. 
After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. 
Door open. 
Penis out. 
It was the song she requested. 
 
I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. 
I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. 
There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. 
I have to go back next week. 
 
I went to the doctor for a checkup. 
The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. 
Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active. 
" She didn't even ask me that. 
 
I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. 
I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. 
She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. 
 
I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. 
I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. 
About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. 
His friends needed him. 
 
my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. 
I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. 
It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. 
We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. 
 
I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. 
When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating. 
"  
I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. 
The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. 
He ejected the CD. 
It was porn. 
 
my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. 
All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. 
My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. 
 
I was at my boyfriend's house. 
I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. 
After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat. 
" My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. 
 
I turned 35. 
I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. 
That I bought for myself. 
It was the only gift I received. 
 
I was fingering my girlfriend. 
When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. 
"I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. 
While I was inside her. 
 
I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. 
I was getting into it until she said "What are you doing?" I said I was rubbing her nipple. 
She replies, "Thats not my nipple, its a pimple. 
" I felt up a pimple. 
 
while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. 
 
my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. 
Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". 
That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. 
 
I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. 
As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. 
His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. 
 
my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. 
She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. 
My daughter and Dylan are 7. 
 
I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. 
Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. 
As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know. 
"   
my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. 
Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. 
He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. 
I was knocked out for ten minutes. 
 
I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. 
Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. 
Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. 
As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. 
 
I met a really hot guy at a bar. 
We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. 
We ended up going to my apartment. 
He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time. 
" I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. 
 
I had to go visit my grandma. 
While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. 
My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. 
 
I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. 
Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. 
Amazon thinks I need to get laid. 
They're right. 
 
I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. 
Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn. 
" I snapped and exited the porn. 
63 people saw. 
 
I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. 
I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. 
On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH. 
. 
. 
" and I thought she was about to come. 
Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. 
Turns out it was a sneeze. 
 
I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. 
I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. 
That was less than one minute. 
 
my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. 
I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. 
Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you. 
"  
I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. 
He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". 
We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". 
 
I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. 
When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. 
 
I had a substitute teacher for my dance class. 
I noticed at one point, he took out a camera. 
The principle came in, everyone was going crazy, and the teacher was dragged out of the classroom. 
He was taking videos and pictures of us dancing. 
Turns out he was a registered sex offender. 
 
I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. 
She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she "got laid. 
. 
. 
yay!!" and a picture. 
I still don't know what chapters I'm being tested on. 
 
I found out that I'm pregnant. 
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. 
When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. 
 
I was masturbating to a video a friend sent me. 
The girls were hot, walking out on a stage doing all sorts of sexy manuevers. 
The video was close to ending and the announcer in the video announced the winner. 
His name was Dan. 
It was a drag competition. 
My friend knew I'd whack off to it. 
 
I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. 
I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate. 
"  According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. 
 
I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. 
Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. 
Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. 
I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. 
 
I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. 
 
I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. 
Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. 
Literally. 
There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. 
I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. 
 
my boyfriend was going down on me. 
Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole. 
"  
I went to babysit. 
I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. 
I went and started playing with the kids. 
All of a sudden I heard a scream. 
I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. 
I got paid so adults could get laid. 
While I was there. 
6 ft. 
away. 
 
I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. 
Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. 
I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. 
Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. 
 
I was at my new apartment. 
My fiance was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. 
When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. 
What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. 
 
I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. 
The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. 
The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. 
I was the designated driver. 
They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. 
 
I performed in my school play. 
Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. 
The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. 
All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. 
 
cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. 
Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. 
More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. 
I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. 
The three of us are male. 
 
My girlfriend and I were watching TV, randomly she starts to undo my  belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. 
Right as I'm starting to get really excited she says to me "Just Joking". 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. 
When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house. 
"  
I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. 
As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. 
I'm twenty. 
 
at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover),  my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. 
Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. 
 
my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. 
Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. 
Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. 
She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. 
And told me hers in detail. 
 
I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. 
I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. 
I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. 
 
I asked my girl friend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. 
She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. 
Then she looked up at me and said was that good. 
She was serious. 
 
I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. 
It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?"  
I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer. 
" He saw them all. 
 
my boyfriend and I were having sex. 
The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. 
All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. 
He was watching the TV. 
House was on. 
My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. 
 
I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. 
It started running around and I actually got aroused. 
My mom then walked into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poking his head out of the hole in my boxers. 
 
I was flirting via text with a coworker. 
Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. 
I asked if she had any suggestions. 
She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts. 
" I sent her a photo of my junk. 
I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. 
 
I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. 
I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. 
She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. 
I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. 
I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken. 
"  
I went on a date with a guy for the first time. 
We went to Starbucks and got coffee. 
We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. 
Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed. 
"  
I was having sex with a girl I had just met. 
After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. 
So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. 
After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. 
The window was open. 
She was gone. 
 
my girlfriend broke up with me. 
She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. 
There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. 
 
completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. 
While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out. 
”  
I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. 
Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. 
My parents were having sex. 
On my piano. 
 
I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. 
However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. 
Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. 
When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. 
 
was the first time my boyfriend slept over. 
He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. 
 
my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. 
I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. 
I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. 
When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. 
Wrong person. 
 
my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. 
I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. 
I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. 
 
My family and I were in New Orleans. 
We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. 
At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. 
My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?"  
I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. 
My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. 
 
I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. 
My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. 
I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. 
I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. 
 
I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom. 
"  
I decided to take a nap. 
My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. 
I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. 
Without opening my eyes, I whispered "ooh this is so romantic. 
" He blurted out shocked, "Oh. 
. 
. 
you're awake?!"  
we were swimming in gym class. 
There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing their bikinis. 
I was looking at them when I got an erection but since I was underwater I thought no one would see. 
I'm on the diving team so my teacher asked me to demonstrate a dive to the class. 
 
I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. 
He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. 
They are my best friends. 
 
I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. 
The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. 
She got mad and posted my number on craigslist. 
com as a prostitute. 
Apparently I won. 
 
my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. 
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?"  
my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. 
Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. 
He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. 
 
the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. 
He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. 
 
I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. 
While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". 
Worried, i asked him what was wrong. 
He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!"  
I was at my boyfriends house and we were having sex. 
He has a game on in the background and one of his friends started talking to him. 
He immediately threw me off and said "I have to answer this. 
"  He went over to his computer and started talking to them. 
 
I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. 
I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. 
I was masturbating. 
 
I was on the phone with my boyfriend. 
We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. 
I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. 
He had picked up the phone to make a call and had heard it all. 
 
I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. 
I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. 
I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. 
 
I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. 
He had 'something serious' to tell me. 
He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. 
In detail. 
The drive was 2 hours long. 
 
I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. 
We came back to my apartment and had sex. 
Afterward, we both fell asleep. 
I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. 
He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. 
 
my wife has been singing "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. 
She started singing it right after we had sex. 
 
after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. 
Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. 
 
my over-protective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn't doing the naughty in my bed. 
The bed was clean. 
My face wasn't. 
 
I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. 
He was looking at a porn magazine. 
"It's to keep my erection" he answered. 
 
I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. 
I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". 
Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". 
 
I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. 
I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. 
I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. 
 
my parents were helping me construct my bed. 
We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. 
My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. 
My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen. 
"  
my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. 
She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. 
 
this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. 
One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. 
I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?"  
I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. 
Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. 
I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". 
She wasn't wearing a watch. 
 
I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. 
Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. 
I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there. 
" There was a long awkward silence. 
 
I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. 
When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. 
He came to break up with me. 
He told me after we had sex. 
 
I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. 
Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. 
We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. 
 
I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. 
Everything was going  great, until I tasted it. 
It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. 
Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. 
It had expired 3 years ago. 
 
my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. 
My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks. 
. 
. 
" My super protective father was sitting right next to him. 
 
my girl handcuffed me to the bed. 
I willingly let her thinking we were about to have some fun. 
She then took my phone and read a sent message; 'Wanna hook up?' to my ex. 
She left me cuffed and blindfolded, and painted my nails before she left. 
The sent message was from before I met her. 
 
I had my car stolen. 
When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. 
For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. 
Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. 
I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. 
 
my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. 
He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. 
 
I had a blacklight in my room for an upcoming party. 
Just for fun, I decided to shine it on my loft bed, and the comforter lit up like a Christmas tree, as did several spots on the floor underneath. 
I don't have a boyfriend, but my roommate does. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. 
It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. 
She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. 
 
I was on a third date with a girl. 
Things had been going really well. 
At one point, the conversation lulled. 
After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. 
I told her that it was being a superhero. 
She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. 
I'm 25. 
 
when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". 
Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). 
That person is my boss. 
He told everyone. 
 
my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. 
When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none"   
I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. 
His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out. 
" I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. 
I found out he's talking about a new Pokemon game. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. 
They had a 5 minute conversation. 
. 
. 
while he was still inside me. 
 
my school handed out the new yearbook. 
I was so excited to be on the cover page in a  group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. 
These books go out to the whole school. 
Everyone noticed. 
 
I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. 
I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. 
Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. 
 
my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. 
It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. 
We were having sex, and I was about to finish. 
Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. 
He's her dad. 
 
I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. 
He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. 
 
my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. 
I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. 
He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's. 
"  
I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. 
My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. 
Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good. 
"  
was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. 
It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. 
After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. 
There were still 100 shots left to go. 
 
my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. 
I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore. 
" His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me. 
" We've been having sex for 3 months now. 
 
I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. 
They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. 
Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. 
I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. 
 
my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. 
He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. 
 
I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. 
After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. 
Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?"  
I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. 
This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. 
So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. 
And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes. 
"  
I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. 
We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain. 
" She replied with "So's your erection. 
"  
my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. 
I was a virgin and he wasn't. 
About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. 
I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. 
He wasn't joking. 
He was done. 
 
after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. 
I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. 
Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!"  
I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. 
It was his first time too. 
While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. 
Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. 
 
I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. 
I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. 
I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. 
My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. 
 
I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. 
When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while making love. 
 
when I was at the gynecologist my dr told me that I was really tense and the exam would be impossible if I didnt relax. 
So I started thinking about my boyfriend to relax and my mind went back to our last sex session. 
I started getting wet. 
 
I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. 
When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. 
 
my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. 
After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. 
Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. 
I'm doing Zoe. 
"  
I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. 
An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. 
I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. 
 
I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. 
We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. 
The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. 
My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. 
 
I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. 
The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. 
After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. 
I got a hard on. 
 
I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. 
Last night was the first night we spent together. 
As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. 
Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. 
 
I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. 
He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these. 
"  
my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. 
Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it?" he says "It was terrible", to which I said "The food was that bad?" He replies "No, the sex". 
 
I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. 
We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. 
The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. 
Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. 
 
I was completely naked in my boyfriend's bed. 
Suddenly his mom yelled that she was coming in so that she could get to the attic. 
I pulled a blanket up to my neck, hoping she would think I was cold. 
She had to step over my bra and panties on her way to the attic. 
 
me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. 
Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. 
Just as it was getting good my phone rings. 
It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. 
Even your father can tell you're faking. 
"  
I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. 
I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. 
Unfortunetly, she soon said, "I'm bored, let's play a board game. 
"  She was sighing, not moaning. 
 
I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. 
I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. 
Then I slapped it. 
It wasn't a mannequin. 
 
I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. 
He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". 
 
my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. 
Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. 
 
I was sifting through my parents old home movies. 
I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. 
I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. 
It said "Bermuda, 1989". 
They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. 
I've seen my own conception. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. 
When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. 
He sent me home so he can play. 
 
I fell asleep in history class. 
I was dreaming about my history teacher. 
When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. 
Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. 
 
I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. 
He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. 
I was talking about my math exam. 
 
I was filling out paperwork with my new doctor. 
During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. 
I said yes. 
She then asked, "What do you do?" I told her I normally did vaginal, but sometimes anal. 
She blushed and started to laugh. 
She was asking where I worked. 
 
I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. 
She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me. 
" I was hard. 
 
I was out with my friend. 
My six year old daughter was also with us. 
While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?"  
my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. 
It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. 
It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. 
 
I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. 
After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. 
 
I went for a jog in my neighborhood. 
While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. 
Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. 
When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. 
It said "Blow me, bitch. 
It's my b-day. 
"  
I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. 
I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. 
Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. 
 
I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. 
I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. 
About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. 
I wore basketball shorts that day. 
 
I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. 
I went camping alone. 
Two strangers were in my camper having sex. 
 
my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. 
Just as things were heating up, my closet door flew open and my little brother ran out screaming, "Mom, they're doing it, come quick!" My mom paid my 9 year old brother to spy on me. 
 
me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. 
He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. 
I hit my head. 
Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. 
 
my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. 
She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. 
She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". 
She then insisted I show her. 
I massaged my mother with anal beads. 
 
I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. 
Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. 
Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. 
 
my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. 
Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. 
The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. 
 
my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. 
 
I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. 
The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. 
In great detail. 
 
I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. 
I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. 
In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. 
I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. 
 
I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. 
I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor. 
. 
. 
and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. 
I just inadvertently fucked a spider. 
 
I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. 
It got to an intense sex scene. 
I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. 
He put it into slowmotion. 
We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. 
 
I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. 
I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. 
Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen. 
"  
I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. 
I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. 
Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. 
 
I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. 
I soon found out my parents had sex that night. 
Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. 
I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. 
Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. 
He stopped and frowned. 
I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. 
 
my boyfriend called, asking, before I could even talk, to bring a condom- NOW. 
I had to smile at this request. 
I went to his house. 
A blond girl opened the door. 
He followed shortly, surprised to see me. 
I'm Celine. 
She's Cecile. 
Our names are one apart on his cell. 
 
while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. 
I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. 
He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. 
He apologized and he had sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. 
 
my mom walked in on me masturbating. 
I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. 
It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. 
My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. 
 
my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. 
He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. 
Twice. 
 
me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. 
In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. 
I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. 
 
I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. 
So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack. 
"  
I was taking the subway to school. 
It was around 6:30am and I was listening to music and catching up on homework. 
When I took my headphones off to readjust them, I heard some grunting. 
I looked over at the man across from me to see he was masturbating. 
 
these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. 
I basically yelled 'what's a clit'? Everyone looked at me. 
I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. 
I had to google it when i got home. 
 
I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. 
I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. 
Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. 
 
my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. 
I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. 
My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?"  
I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home. 
" I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace. 
'  
my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. 
She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. 
My mom and I were on a ski lift. 
The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. 
 
I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. 
Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. 
They tried to use me as a prop. 
Now my friends call me the love wedge. 
 
I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. 
All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. 
Naturally, I got very flustered. 
I stood still for a second and faced them. 
One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. 
 
I was reading my girlfriend's girly magazine. 
There was an article stating that if a girl tells a guy his dick is the perfect size, she really means that it is too small. 
My girlfriend claims everything is the magazine is right. 
She told me my dick was the perfect size last weekend. 
 
I got my first tattoo. 
It was a surprise for my fiance: our names together over a heart. 
I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk. 
' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. 
The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. 
 
I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. 
She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. 
My boss is a registered sex offender. 
 
I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. 
I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina. 
" She looked over. 
I forgot about the sunroof. 
 
I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. 
As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. 
 
I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. 
When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. 
When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". 
 
I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. 
I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. 
When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. 
 
I overheard my parents having sex. 
Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. 
I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. 
Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. 
 
I called a potential employer. 
I left a message asking him to return my call. 
When he did, my drunk friend answered my phone with "I make a sexy-time with my mother in-law. 
" I called him back twice immediately to explain. 
No answer. 
That was my last hope for a decent job. 
 
my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. 
After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. 
 
my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. 
I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. 
She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. 
 
I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. 
Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. 
 
I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. 
He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls. 
"  
I was talking to my mom. 
During the conversation she randomly asked me "does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. 
My dad then asked "does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?"  
my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. 
Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. 
 
I had sex with my girlfriend. 
Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one. 
"  
I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop. 
"  
my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. 
She's sending me to bible camp. 
 
for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. 
She got me male enhancement pills. 
 
I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. 
She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian. 
"   
I was on my way home from a friends house. 
I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. 
My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes. 
"  
I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. 
I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. 
Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. 
Its a police officer. 
 
my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. 
When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. 
I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. 
They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. 
His whole family saw. 
 
my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. 
After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. 
I answered it, whip in hand. 
It was my dad. 
He forgot his keys. 
Im grounded. 
 
my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. 
Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. 
 
I was typing up a love letter on my computer. 
A sexual love letter. 
I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. 
It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. 
 
my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. 
I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. 
Apparently he loves to share me. 
 
my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. 
He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. 
I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. 
He did. 
 
I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. 
About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. 
I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. 
 
I was sleeping because I had been sick. 
The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. 
I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. 
I walk in on my parents having sex. 
Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. 
 
my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. 
I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. 
The toys were sent to my parents house instead. 
 
I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. 
Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. 
 
my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. 
When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. 
 
I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. 
I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. 
I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. 
I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. 
 
I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. 
We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. 
He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. 
Turns out he already came. 
I call his phone - wrong number. 
 
my boyfriend and I were fooling around. 
I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft. 
. 
. 
" He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. 
 
I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. 
Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. 
 
we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes. 
"  
I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. 
When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom. 
"  
my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. 
I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. 
The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. 
 
my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. 
Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. 
He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. 
His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. 
So they high-fived. 
 
while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. 
She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity. 
"  
I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. 
I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. 
 
me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. 
The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. 
 
I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. 
He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. 
I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. 
Then he said, "Can we snuggle. 
. 
. 
with my dick in you?"  
I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. 
After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. 
I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. 
She winked. 
 
I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. 
Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. 
 
I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". 
Then she asked if I was sexually active. 
. 
. 
"no". 
 
I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. 
He replied, "Nothing. 
You're one of the guys now. 
" They all agreed. 
 
my mum came home from a business trip. 
My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. 
After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. 
Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". 
 
my mom says to me "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", then gives me a strawberry flavored jelly. 
I say that it tastes good and ask why she made me try it. 
She then says, "I want to surprise your dad tonight, I'm going to cover myself in the stuff. 
"  
I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it. 
"  
I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. 
I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. 
Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim. 
" That didn't help. 
 
for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. 
At the bottom of the bag was a razor. 
 
my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last. 
. 
. 
with plenty of people in between. 
 
while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. 
A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. 
He then called me a sinner. 
 
I went to the Doctor with my parents. 
When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes. 
' My mom laughed and said 'Good one. 
' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count. 
'  
I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob (I don't normally do it because I have a fear of getting squirt in the eye). 
Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. 
Sure enough, I bite the wrong spot and get lemon juice shot right into my eye. 
 
my boyfriend broke up with me. 
He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something. 
" WTF?  
I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. 
 
My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. 
When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway. 
"  
I jokingly told my Mom that I was having sex with my Professor. 
Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's honey!" . 
. 
. 
 
a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. 
To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. 
His grandmother, who came home early. 
We were having sex on her couch at the time. 
 
I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. 
I didn't see her last night. 
 
I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. 
Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass. 
"  
I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. 
We had shared an amazing night together. 
I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. 
Turns out, he was gone. 
So was my car. 
 
I was doing a strip tease for my husband. 
He asked me to stop. 
 
my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. 
Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?"  
me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. 
Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. 
He couldn't see the television. 
 
I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. 
Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. 
I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. 
 
my mom cleaned up my room. 
I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. 
She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. 
 
I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. 
After a while I told her I was about to come. 
Her response: "Lucky you. 
"  
was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. 
I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing. 
"  
I walked into my room to find my mom had made my bed and done my laundry, for which I thanked her with a hug. 
I laid down on the bed, stretched out my arms and realized my vibrator was still under the pillow where I had left it. 
 
my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever. 
' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm. 
'  
I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. 
Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. 
 
I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. 
After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. 
When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". 
The doctor started laughing. 
 
I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. 
We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". 
I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not. 
"  
at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. 
I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. 
His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra. 
"  
after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew. 
. 
. 
" She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. 
 
I had sex for the first time with a guy. 
After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good. 
" He turned to me and said "You don't. 
"  
I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple weeks. 
I spent the night in the hospital. 
I'm allergic to lube. 
 
I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. 
Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend. 
"  
my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. 
My mom laughed and said, "no that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again. 
"  
I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. 
She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?"  
I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". 
I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. 
 
my religious girlfriend of 8 months finally lets me have sex with her. 
She invites me over, and just when we are about to do it, her dad comes home from work 3 hours early. 
She said it is a sign from God that we have to wait. 
 
I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. 
When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs. 
"  
my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. 
My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis. 
"   
I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. 
She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. 
So how are you?"  
as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. 
 
my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. 
When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. 
I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. 
I'm a young guy. 
 
I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A. 
M. 
until 6 A. 
M. 
When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. 
 
while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. 
I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. 
 
I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. 
Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. 
Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. 
 
I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. 
 
I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. 
 
while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. 
Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 
30 dudes, one self-induced boner. 
 
I heard my sister masturbating in her room. 
I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. 
She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. 
 
I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. 
I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. 
My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. 
 
my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. 
I told him that I'm in love with him. 
He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob. 
"  
my husband found the box my morning after pill came in. 
He had a vasectomy 10 years ago. 
 
I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. 
When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. 
Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. 
 
I visited my 78 year old grandmother. 
She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. 
When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend. 
Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy. 
" Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. 
None of the names were mine. 
 
on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. 
She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. 
 
my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. 
When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. 
I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. 
 
I was having sex with my boyfriend. 
When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. 
My name's not Brittany. 
That's his sister. 
 
I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. 
Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. 
 
I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. 
I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom. 
"  
I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. 
So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. 
As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. 
He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. 
 
my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. 
You took me to places I’ve never been to before. 
I can’t wait to see you tonight after work. 
” My name is Rob. 
We haven’t had sex in two years. 
 
my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. 
 
I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. 
I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. 
I can no longer look at him in the face. 
 
it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. 
It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. 
 
I was at the strip club. 
I put my dollar on the stage. 
When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. 
I'm a guy. 
 
I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. 
Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. 
Mom and dad say it's no big deal. 
 
my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. 
He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "i'm bored. 
"  
I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. 
When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. 
 
when my boyfriend was about to orgasm, I suddenly sneezed all over his face. 
 
I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. 
He asked me to watch it with him. 
 
I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. 
She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. 
 
I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. 
 
my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. 
I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. 
 
two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. 
As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. 
 
the girl I'm in love with told me she might be a lesbian. 
She then asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. 
I asked if she was 100% sure she was a lesbian? Her reply was: "No, I just think you'd be a good transition". 
 
I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. 
I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. 
 
I received an email invitation to a dating web site. 
It was from my father-in-law. 
 
I was having sex with a girl. 
After we'd finished, she tells me she already had a boyfriend and that his penis was larger then mine. 
 
my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. 
As a horny dude how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guys name. 
 
I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. 
 
I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. 
Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. 
 
I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. 
Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. 
It's still raining. 
 
I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. 
 
I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet. 
I then scrolled down and found out she had a penis. 
 
I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. 
 
I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. 
All she said after was "I drooled a little". 
 
I slept with this new guy for the first time. 
After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. 
 
I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. 
 
I was playing with 3 kids I look after. 
The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. 
We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. 
Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. 
 
I had SEXtra-Credit with my Spanish teacher after my exams. 
I got a C+ on the exam. 
 
I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. 
I asked him if he wanted to have sex. 
He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. 
 
I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. 
He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. 
I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. 
I then preceded to apologize profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. 
He got hard. 
 
I just had sex with this random guy. 
As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. 
 
I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. 
My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. 
Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. 
 
I was sexiled. 
So that my roommate and the boy who I confessed my love to two days before could hook up. 
 
I thought I was giving a woman the orgasm of a lifetime until I realized that she was telling me to stop pulling her hair. 
 
I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. 
Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. 
 
I was at a bar in Canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. 
She asked how big my junk was and I told her in inches. 
. 
. 
They use centimeters. 
 
my nephew asked me how babies are made. 
I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. 
After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians. 
" He's 11. 
 
my boyfriend told me he watched True Life I'm Pregnant. 
Now I know why we haven't been having sex. 
 
I almost had an orgasm. 
Unfortunately, he had one first. 
 
I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. 
I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too. 
"  
I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. 
 
I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. 
She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. 
I don't think she's going to call back. 
 
my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. 
 
I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. 
I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. 
I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. 
 
I tried to suck my own penis. 
Autofellatio. 
My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. 
ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. 
 
the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. 
I was buying the morning after pill. 
 
I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. 
She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. 
I'm a 21 year old virgin. 
 
I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). 
After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. 
 
after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up in my best friend's, spooning her. 
The guy she had hooked up with was on her other side. 
 
my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. 
 
I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. 
I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. 
Later woke up in my bed. 
. 
. 
found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. 
 
I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. 
And used their bathroom. 
I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. 
 
I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. 
I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. 
 
I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. 
I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. 
It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. 
 
in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". 
I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. 
 
I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. 
Scared and looking me right in the face he says "What's for dinner?". 
 
my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. 
I was up all night. 
They decided to make it up to each other. 
They kept me up all night again. 
 
I am down to 3 euros. 
My mother just stole the last two euros from me. 
I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. 
My mother can have safe sex. 
I can't buy lunch tomorrow. 
 
my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where we had some great crab legs. 
Later tonight we drove down to the beach and started messing around. 
He started touching me. 
. 
. 
with his hands still covered in salty crab juice. 
 
I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. 
Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes. 
. 
. 
that I now have to explain to my wife. 
 
my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. 
And no, I didn't get any. 
 
I tried viagra for the first time. 
That was at noon, I still have an erection. 
 
I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. 
After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk. 
'  When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. 
Couldn't get it up. 
 
I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. 
One of them is higher self-esteem. 
Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. 
 
the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. 
I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask. 
. 
. 
It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. 
 
all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. 
Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. 
Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. 
 
my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. 
When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?"  
my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. 
I'm a guy. 
 
my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. 
I don't feel so good. 
 
I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. 
 
I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. 
It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. 
I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. 
Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. 
 
I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. 
I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. 
Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. 
Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. 
 
I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". 
For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". 
 
my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. 
We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. 
When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. 
I knelt down to smell it. 
It was NOT chocolate. 
 
my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. 
We couldnt find it anywhere. 
After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. 
He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. 
 
I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. 
I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. 
 
I was doing a local search at SexSearch. 
com and I found my sister's profile. 
 
I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. 
Almost finished when my laptop died. 
 
it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. 
I think I'm a nympho. 
 
I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. 
 
my girlfriend confessed to me that she wants to dress me up with her clothes, with wig and makeup!  
my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. 
She asked "why does it smell so bad?" I replied "sweat". 
 
me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. 
We go to investigate. 
It's coming from a drawer. 
We open it up. 
Battery operated dildo. 
 
my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. 
 
I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. 
 
my girlfriend left a message on my phone. 
It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. 
 
I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. 
Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. 
 
I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. 
His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". 
 
feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancee: "I don't know what I'd do without you. 
. 
. 
". 
She replied: "Well, you'd wank". 
 
I made love to my girlfriend. 
I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back. 
. 
. 
She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. 
 
I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. 
I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. 
I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. 
The worst being I didn't have a ticket. 
 
I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople. 
com. 
 
I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!"  
I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. 
I think my sex life is ruined forever. 
 
whilst reading all 15 pages of this site over my shoulder my french girlfriend asks me for translations such as 'what is buttsex?', 'what is wanking' and 'what means farted?'  
I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. 
She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). 
That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. 
 
I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. 
I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. 
 
my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. 
We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we out of condoms. 
After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. 
Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. 
 
during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. 
He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. 
 
I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. 
He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. 
 
I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. 
There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. 
It was room service. 
 
my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. 
 
after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. 
Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. 
Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life. 
"  
and for the third time, a tender and loving man that I've just met tries to convince me to have buttsex. 
What's wrong with them all?!  
I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. 
 
I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. 
 
my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. 
I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. 
 
I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. 
We all looked together at family photos on the computer. 
The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. 
 
well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". 
When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!"  
my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. 
He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. 
 
I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. 
 
I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone's trying to slice her throat. 
Her window was open. 
Intrigued, I go onto my balcony and ask in a loud voice if everything's ok and if she needs anything. 
Her and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". 
 
I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. 
I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. 
 
I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. 
Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. 
Nauseous. 
 
in one of the corridors at univeristy, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. 
She passed just behind me, reminding me at the same time the date of my next oral exam. 
She will be marking me. 
 
we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. 
Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. 
And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. 
 
my neighbor turned down his loud music that he's been playing for months, only to turn on a porn movie at maximum volume. 
 
whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. 
I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. 
 
whilst doing it with my girlfriend she goes :"are you done any time soon?"  
after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. 
To which he replied: "What for?"  
my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". 
 
my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. 
I told her it was personal and was none of her business. 
She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". 
I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. 
 
when I woke up, my husband was already up. 
Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come on, don't be shy, bring that cock in here right now!". 
A voice replies: "he's gone out to get some bread". 
It was my mother in law. 
 
after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. 
It went to voicemail. 
My dad will soon have all the details. 
 
I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. 
Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. 
At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!"  
I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. 
I've just realized I sent it to her brother. 
 
I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch a porn film on my computer. 
I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear. 
It wasn't until she came out of her bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. 
 
right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. 
He thanked her for the entertainment. 
 
I remember the first night I spent with my first english boyfriend. 
I'm french. 
When we woke up I said with my most sexy voice "oh, I'm so Dirty!". 
It's only when he left, that I finally understood the look on his face : I wanted to have a glass of water, I was THirsty not dirty. 
 
my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. 
Later on she starts telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. 
Suddenly she stops and says « Actually I don’t know why I’m telling you this, after all you don’t have a boyfriend! » and walks away. 
 
I just woke up next to the most unpopular girl in school. 
Damn Vodka. 
 
the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. 
 
after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. 
While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". 
The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". 
 
we had some family over. 
A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. 
I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. 
My sister's baby walkie talkie was  on and the whole family heard me. 
 
I heard my sister having a fuck. 
 
the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. 
He opened my bedroom while I was wanking.