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<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en">
<head>
<meta name="generator" content="jemdoc, see http://jemdoc.jaboc.net/" />
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" />
<link rel="stylesheet" href="jemdoc.css" type="text/css" />
<link rel="shortcut icon" href="sun.ico" />
<script src='update_info.js'></script>
<script src="puns.js"></script>
<title>Puns</title>
</head>
<body>
<div id="layout-content">
<div id="toptitle">
<h1>Puns</h1>
</div>
<p>I make a lot of puns on Facebook. This page is an archive of those puns, going back to about 2010 and updated three
times a year. Recently, I've begun also posting these puns on <a href='https://twitter.com/arun_bassoon'>my
Twitter</a>. I hope you enjoy them!</p>
<p>
Related links:
<ul>
<li><p><a href=http://punoff.com/>The O. Henry Pun-Off</a>, an annual pun competition held in Austin, TX.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>2021: I placed 2<sup>nd</sup> in Punslingers.</p></li>
<li><p>2020: I placed 2<sup>nd</sup> in Punslingers, also competed in Punniest in Show. <a
href='https://www.punoff2020.com/the-contest?wix-vod-video-id=603c962804ba4ae9a80151d95316e3db&wix-vod-comp-id=comp-kesrlper'>Video
of my Punniest in show routine</a>.</p></li>
<li><p>2019: I placed 2<sup>nd</sup> in Punslingers, and also competed in Punniest in Show.
<a href='https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipkzlNixrm8'>Video of my Punniest in Show routine</a>.</p></li>
<li><p>2017: I placed 4<sup>th</sup> in Punniest in Show. <a
href='https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbTajInTfbo'>Video of my Punniest in Show routine</a>.</p></li>
<li><p>2016: I competed in Punniest in Show. <a
href='https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvI7rn0mKQM&t=2h32m30s'>Video of my Punniest in Show routine</a>.
</p></li>
<li><p><a href='https://www.facebook.com/VerbalEquinox/'>Verbal Equinox</a>, a smaller pun competition held
in the fall. I competed in 2017 and 2018, and won both years; the competition was not held in
2019.</p></li>
<li><p>An associated <a href="https://www.facebook.com/PUNYPAGE/">Facebook group</a> for punning throughout
the year.
</p></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><p><a href='https://worldwidepuns.com/'>The Bay Area Pun-Off</a>, a bimonthly (that is, both every other month
and twice a month) pun competition in San Francisco, CA. I competed in punoff #53, in March 2020, and came in first
place.</p></li>
<li>
<p><a href='https://www.facebook.com/punderdome'>Punderdome</a>, a pun competition held in Brooklyn, NY. I have
competed twice.</p>
</li>
</ul>
Filter puns by topic:
<select id='filter'>
<option value='show_all'>Show all</option>
<option value='top'>Most Liked</option>
<option value='math'>Math</option>
<option value='CS'>Computer Science</option>
<option value='sci'>Science</option>
<option value='hum'>Humanities<option>
<option value='food'>Food and Drink</option>
<option value='lang'>Language</option>
<option value='music'>Music</option>
<option value='meta'>Puns about Wordplay</option>
<option value='holidays'>Special Occasions</option>
<option value='longer'>Longer Puns</option>
<option value='other'>Other</option>
</select>
</p>
<!-- Possible additions: Tom Swifties, movies, Pokémon?, my top 100 -->
<p><hr></p>
<!-- I gotta start updating more regularly. Hello from October 24, 2021 -->
<p class='music'>I heard that the Second Viennese School switched to serialism because they thought German
classical music was Teutonic.</a>
<p class='other'>Apparently I strongarmed my friend into getting a flu shot today.</p>
<p class='other'>“Hand over all of your comic routines! This is a schtick-up!”</p>
<p class='other'>I imagine Superman procrastinates on his chores like “I'll leave those dishes for the Man of
Tomorrow.”</p>
<p class='other'>My D&D party got attacked by a cloud of insects. Unfortunately for us, they rolled a gnat
20.</p>
<p class='sci top'>Modern physics research is so specialized, you can give a talk in a lecture hall full of quantum
physicists and only a small fraction will follow.<br>
The condensed-matter people figured this out first, of course, and call it the fractional quantum hall effect.</p>
<p class='sci'>I've heard that cellular automata researchers don't have the best work-Life balance.</p>
<p class='lang food'>A charcuterie spread with the meat in the shape of a peace sign, call that salaami</p>
<p class='hum'>“I harvested these vines from a WWI battlefield.”<br>
“You know, that's a little morbid.”<br>
“Yeah, that's why they're called Ypres creepers.”</p>
<p class='music'>Apparently some fish can sort of walk on land, like the walking catfish or walking lungfish. But
what I really want to see is a walking bass.</p>
<p class='other'>Bill's Box system was the key technological breakthrough making completion of the Pokédex
possible. That's why it's memorialized in the Pokémon theme song, Gotta Cache 'em All.</p>
<p class='food'>Hemingway said “Write drunk, edit sober.” But shouldn't it be the other way around? And
if not, why is it called proof reading?</p>
<p class='food'>I'm in a pickle, can you go get the dill sergeant?</p>
<p class='top'>I tried to quit the New York Times crossword but I don't have the strength. It's like, I see one and
I can't resist: my will shorts.</p>
<p class='other'>I'm studying up before I go to the political rally, because I heard that chants favor the prepared
mind.</p>
<p class='hum'>Oh you ship Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? That's all right; so did Hamlet.</p>
<p class='sci'>Why yes I'm pro-phase, I never metaphase I didn't like. Anaphase, every phase; you can telophase I'm
a supporter from my head to mitosis.</p>
<p class='food'>Why say “pork meatballs in a sweet BBQ sauce” when you could just say “gulab
jamón”?</p>
<p class='other'>Why do we call it jetlag and not being time zoned out?</p>
<p class='top math'>“What do you think of the city?”<br>
“Oh, it's super!”</br>
“So you like it?”<br>
“No, I meant I have to watch for signs when I commute.”</p>
<p class='food'>Do you know how many pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? I'm feeling kind of peckish.</p>
<p class='other'>I've been trying to build a freecycled clock, but I've had trouble finding the parts to make it.
But I did get one second hand!</p>
<p class='music'>I'm excited about the Dune film coming out this fall! Do you think the soundtrack will feature the
Spice Girls?</p>
<p class='music'>Little-known fact: Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov originally wanted to write a careful chronology of the
1001 Nights before his editor insisted he write a symphonic suite instead. His early drafts were to be burned...
but a few escaped. Read the story in the Tale of the Calendar Prints.</p>
<p class='sci'>I was wondering why I hadn't seen much discussion of covid-19 variants on Facebook, but then I
realized it's probably all taking place on SNPChat.</p>
<p class='food'>My friend is opening a cheese shop in Utah. I didn't think he had the funds, but apparently he got
a Provo loan.</p>
<p class='other'>Why is it called “primal scream” and not “scream-of-consciousness”?</p>
<p class='other'>Harlan Ellison daringly asks “what's the point of going on Twitch in the
post-apocalypse?”, in his acclaimed new short story I Have No Mouth and I Must Stream.</p>
<p class='lang music holidays'>Happy Bengali New Year to my double reed friends — shubho oboe-borsho!</p>
<p class='hum'>Someone recommended me a whispered version of the Lord of the Flies audiobook, but I'm not
interested. Sucks to your ASMR.</p>
<p class='math'>If there's nothing over my head, then why is it raining over there but not over here? This is a
roof by contradiction.</p>
<p class='food'>We couldn't meet in person to decide which tea makes the best starter, so we had to vote in app
sencha.</p>
<p class='other'>Considering dressing as a road next Halloween; it'll be my all-tar ego.</p>
<p class='hum holidays'>If you didn't think tonight was different from all other nights, you might think people are
making Matzo Dough About Nothing.</p>
<p class='other'>Hey Pokémon fans, why do you call them fakemon when “fauxkémon” is right there?</p>
<p class='music'>This RPG I'm playing interrupted the main plot to have me help two gangs reconcile so two of their
members can go out. Talk about a quest side story.</p>
<p class='other'>I heard that hotel workers took a long time to unionize. I blame inn fighting.</p>
<p class='food'>What's Batman's least favorite dessert?<br>
Ra's-al-ghula.</p>
<p class='CS'>Rather than keeping tabs on the Indentation Wars, I've decided to give them some space(s).</p>
<p class='food'>What cheese is the best at turning left?<br>
NASCARpone.</p>
<p class='other'>Nooblesse oblige: where the incoming monarch is still expected to be kind to their subjects, even
though they just started the job and are kinda new at this</p>
<p class='food'>Dehydrated Indian food isn't dried so much as Desi-ccated.</p>
<p class='other'>Hi, you've reached The Hunter's Restaurant. You kill 'em we grill 'em, you stab 'em we slab 'em,
you melee 'em we sautée 'em, you poach 'em we poach 'em, you trap 'em we wrap 'em, you toast 'em we roast 'em, you
break 'em we bake 'em, you impede 'em we sous vide 'em, you</p>
<p class='other'>My Roomba told me it was tired of being a vacuum cleaner and I said, “suck it up.”</p>
<p class='other'>My friend's Samoyed is getting old and going gray, and it looks good on her. I guess every cloud
has a silver lining.</p>
<p class='music'>What's an allergist's favorite kind of dance?<br>
A pollenaise.</p>
<p class='top math'>I've been trying to understand holonomy today, but no luck. I just keep going in circles.</p>
<p class='other'>“Who's saying that I struck out? That's a baseless accusation.”
<p class='math'>How do you compute the Google Fiber of Google Maps? Do you need to know their Google Images?</p>
<p class='food'>Anjou? Delicious. Bartlett: pretty great! This has been pear review.</p>
<p class='sci'>“These two species of palm trees are symbionts, or you could say they're fronds with
benefits.”</p>
<p class='other'>The detective figured out that the ballerina was the murderer during their pas deduce.</p>
<p class='food'>When the ice cream truck drives by, I think to myself, “cool whip!”</p>
<p class='music'>This Spotify end-of-the-year stuff is totally a publicity generator: now they have everyone's
Wrapped attention.</p>
<p class='other'>“Hey Robin Hood, that wouldn't happen to be the forest over there, would it?”<br>
“Sher wood.”</p>
<p class='music'>East Africa's best guitarists hail from the Great Riff Valley.</p>
<p class='sci'>Engineers drag physicists for assuming a perfect vacuum.</p>
<p class='hum'>Did you know that in Much Ado About Nothing, Beatrice is coded as deeply Christian? You can tell
because she spends so much time doing Benedict-shuns.</p>
<p class='hum'>Hamlet, reading last week's Danish covid news [about Cluster 5]: “Something is rotten in the
minkdom of Denmark!”</p>
<p class='math'>Last time I visited NorCal, I realized I missed it more than I thought. So I had to update my
Bay-esian priors.</p>
<p class='math'>If I were a Dynkin diagram, I would simply laced</p>
<p class='sci'>Claiming string theory has applications to cosmology is a real galaxy brane take.</p>
<p class='hum'>A Trump staffer interviewed about this Four Seasons story said, “We decided to spring for it
and, well, pride comes before a fall. So now is the winter of our dissed content, made glorious summer by our son
of New York.”</p>
<p class='math'>“So how was ‘Sard Wars: The Morse Awakens?’”<br>
“Meh, it was pretty generic”</p>
<p class='hum'>I went to the dollar store and they had The Portrait of Dorian Grey for sale! This is buck
Wilde!</p>
<p class='math'>I just realized why so many representation theorists have type A personalities.</p>
<p class='math'>Most functional analysis courses don't cover anything more general than Banach spaces, but some
deviate from the norm.</p>
<p class='music'>The fly that stole the show at tonight's VP debate was nice-looking, which made it a pretty fly
for a white guy.</p>
<p class='other'>The tools auctioneers use to bring in additional offers are more-bidly fascinating.</p>
<p class='other'>“This is the wrong time to do a Tommy Wiseau impression. Come on, read the room!”</p>
<p class='sci'>“Ever since we noticed each other's lightcones, we've been dating causally.”</p>
<p class='CS holidays'>So I'm hearing that this year's Hacktoberfest was apparently a PR disaster?</p>
<p class='math holidays'>September 30th: bordism categories<br>
October 1st: gourdism categories</p>
<p class='holidays'>My friend assumed I'd be celebrating Yom Kippur and I was like, "Not so fast!"</p>
<p class='food sci'>Did you know you can dissolve more ramen flavor packets in hot water than cold water? This is
called soupersaturation.</p>
<p class='other'>I know this is totally out of left field, but if Nintendo released a popular baseball game, it
would be a Switch hitter!</p>
<p class='hum'>Will Joseph Gordon-Levitt actually like Mesopotamian archaeology, or is this just a fantasy he
built up in his head? Coming soon to theaters near you: 500 Days of Sumer.</p>
<p class='other'>I had been uncomfortable with the advertisement for a while, but today I decided to pull the
plug.</p>
<p class='lang'>What's the Bengali word for color? Rong answers only.</p>
<p class='other'>“There's no way he's actually into ergonomics; he's just posturing.”</p>
<!-- whoops, slipped all the way until Fall 20, up too 09/11 -->
<p class='hum'>Rostand is such a great playwright: Cyrano de Bergerac's sense of humor is really on the nose!</p>
<p class='other'>"Ever since his manual stalled and he lost it in quicksand, he's been a real stick in the mud
about staying with automatics."</p>
<p class='math'>I always wondered why Texans will drive so far to get to work. Today I figured it out: there's so
much commuting here because in time zones, we're central.</p>
<p class='other'>"Um, that baby deer is shedding its skin. Is that normal?"<br>
"Oh yeah, sure, I think it's just exfoaliating."</p>
<p class='sci'>Paleontologists discover world's oldest photosynthetic plasmids in what is being called a "'plast
from the past"</p>
<p class='other'>I decided to pass the time with a VeggieTales workout video, but just my luck, it was the Pilates
Who Don't Do Anything. Though, with VeggieTales, the Pilate Who Doesn't Do Anything is a lot more likely.</p>
<p class='other'>Is it middlebrow to shave the bridge of my nose?</p>
<p class='hum'>Concept: a Dutch royals' hip-hop group called "Rhymes with Orange"</p>
<p class='other'>If you build a quarantine unit out of flatfish, would you call that a shelter in plaice?</p>
<p class='other'>Making good Powerpoint presentations is hard, which is why it's good that they're judged on a
sliding scale.</p>
<p class='music'>I've been in a few sketchy ska bands, which is to say I've had a checkered past.</p>
<p class='food'>Sad: imitation spiced pea curry<br>
Rad: I Can't Believe It's Not Mutter!</p>
<p class='other'>When the kleptomaniacs' club fell under suspicion, someone had to take one for the team.</p>
<p class='hum'>In the souvenir store, it looks cute, but at home, it looks tacky. That's called a kitsch-22.</p>
<p class='food'>Even before the bacon had burned, the mystic sensed the pasta's carbon aura.</p>
<p class='math top'>I downloaded a book on topoi in mathematical logic onto my phone to learn whether Androids
dream of eclectic sheaves.</p>
<p class='other'>Oh snap, it's just the Washington Football Team. I guess this is just the NFL Draft name, an
incomplete holding pattern, until they can make a conversion. Anyone could pick six better names. Will this drive
press coverage?</p>
<p class='other'>"He's not actually a werewolf, but he moonlights as one."</p>
<p class='math'>I know putting "co-" in front of words is a math joke cliché, but "co-email" is sending me.</p>
<p class='longer language meta top'>You really need some long words to handle current events these days. When the
alt-right vilifies the director of NIAID, that's Fauci Nazi nihilist vilification. When they want to reopen bars,
that's anti-distanced tap wish-meant Aryanism. They say they're gonna die without beer. New motto: alt-right might
go scoping silly convolved ketosis. I think these super callous fatalistic takes be all atrocious.</p>
<p class='math'>"Do you like groupoids?"<br>
"Eh, I can go back and forth"</p>
<p class='hum'>There and Back Again: A Boomerang's Tale</p>
<p class='food'>I'm not a huge fan of this Indian yogurt, but it's all raita.</p>
<p class='hum'>Got a bunch of paintings of soup cans from a competitive auction. What a war haul!</p>
<p class='music'>"Structurally, Op. 17, No. 2 is really more of a fantasy for piano... but it moonlights as a
sonata."</p>
<p class='hum'>In Much Ado About Nothing, Beatrice and Benedict fell in love at first slight.</p>
<p class='CS math'>How fast can Aragorn run?<br>
Big O(Mortensen).</p>
<p class='food'>"You're telling me your beekeeping background means you know this was made with butterfly pea
flowers!?"<br>
"Well yes, blue tea is in the eye of the bee holder."</p>
<p class='math'>I saw a gratuitously placed times table in this movie I was watching and I thought, what blatant
product placement!</p>
<p class='food'>"What are you doing? We're going to run out of spices eventually, one way or another."<br>
"Yeah, but I'm buying thyme."</p>
<p class='other'>"Let's not make any fine navigational adjustments, only coarse corrections."</p>
<p class='food'>Wait several hours for the dough to rise, or more succinctly, leave and let leaven.</p>
<p class='other'>What medicine do asthmatic owls take?<br>
Owlbuterol.</p>
<p class='other'>Headline: Are criminals' vision and hearing really better than average? Read the con-senses
consensus</p>
<p class='other'>In this book I'm reading, you know this up-and-coming golfer will be great based on how well he
observes and learns from his mentor. Excellent fore shadowing.</p>
<p class='CS music'>🎵🎵🎵 Cut my list into pieces<br>
This is my last quicksort</p>
<p class='other'>Palpatine convincing Jar Jar to propose giving him emergency powers is a great example of
political Binksmanship.</p>
<p class='music food'>Copyright issues aside, "Black Pink" would be a great name for a KBBQ joint.</p>
<p class='other'>How do you get a flock of sheep to do an about face?<br>
Make an ewe turn.</p>
<p class='top longer meta food holidays'>Saturday, May 9th, would've been the 43rd annual O'Henry Pun-Off, if not
for the Covid-19 pandemic postponing it. It's my favorite annual Austin event; it fits me to a tea. Pu'er one out
for Assam of the best comedy in town! Call me a chai-hard if you're disa-green, but it's been t-oolong since the
last matchaup, and it's driving me tisane! I've been long jing for everyone to shou mei their best, keemun from as
far as Darjeeling on Russian Caravans. I'm lucky: I just chamomile downtown to the Bigelow stage in the park and
Lipton-to the middle.<br>
It's all white: it'll be black in October. Bring your sweet-tea and your best maté and take a pekoe. Tell your TA:
go on in. The world's sencha the best of the best punsters. Get there Earl-y, greyt! There's live music: jazz-mine
favorite year. And if you don't like puns, maybe some herb'll get you through it (sorry, I know that's not a PG
Tip!)<br>
So I'm not feeling too brew: there's a latte look forward to. If affogato the positive things and joes to poreover
the espresso-ly frappé ones, that'd be mocha-do about nothing. My friend Maxwell roast me, tirami-some new ones,
saying I'm Keurig too much and I better get a Kahlúa. But no, we've had some doppio news lately: we've macchiato
the local nitro-ly news and into larger markets: I did a double-double take when I saw we'd been mentioned in the
French press!</p>
<p class='other'>"Ad in the paper, she's rolling in the deep with action figures, selling 99c a pop. Should we buy?"
"Yes, dial Adele, a dollar a doll's a dilly deal, Dale!"</p>
<p class='CS lang'>"You know what programming paradigm is the most tense? Imperative!"<br>
"Oh, that's a mood."</p>
<p class='hum'>I imagined that I had painted <i>The Treachery of Images</i>, but I woke up and it was just a pipe
dream.</p>
<p class='holidays'>On May the 4th, I remember that I always liked Star Wars' imperfect future aesthetic. It feels
more realistic. Even Luke's prosthetic looks second hand.</p>
<p class='sci'>"Like a neuron, he just axon impulses all the time."<br>
"Oh, the nerve!"</p>
<p class='math'>"Treat everyone you meet kindly, because someday the arrows may be reversed," said Tom,
cogently.</p>
<p class='food'>Marketing a new condiment is hard. If you want to succeed against all your competitors, you have to
beat the spread.</p>
<p class='other'>In this house we stan names of central Asian countries.</p>
<p class='other'>"Well, since we were in the same fraternity, how about I represent you bro bono?"</p>
<p class='other'>"Oh no, my chickens escaped!"<br>
"Hopefully you can recoop them."</p>
<p class='math'>I heard that the best way to learn mirror symmetry is from the algebraic side, and that starting
with symplectic topology is smooth-braned.</p>
<p class='food'>"How could you have decanted my sweet wine! Oh, my poor, poured, port!"</p>
<p class='other'>I had a premonition that the change machines at the front of the grocery store were going to
declare independence. Not sure what all that Coinstar-nation was about.</p>
<p class='longer'>"There's something fishy about this secret agent. We thought he's a carp-carrying member of a
communist grouper, but that was crappie intel: he was using a codname and a fake beard!"<br>
"Walleye-'ll be! Donning a fake beard to appear Communist? What a red hairing!"<br>
"Yeah, Sam-and I haddock clue: it smelt off, but I couldn't plaice it. I was daced, shook to my sole, when I found
trout. We're floundering and need to do betta."<br>
"No use being remoras-ful. Can you let minnow where he is now?"<br>
"Yeah, he got pirahna-d and barracudad his dory shut."<br>
"Tang it! Really? What would mako him do that?"<br>
"Marlin's beard, don't be koi. He's not bluefin and wouldn't make this door-ado for the halibut. He must have piked
up on our tuna and thinks we're gonna perch him."<br>
"Oh pollocks. I was sardine we could keep this sitch-lidded. I'm loach to admit it, but the way he's scuplin out a
long-term bass here, this might get back to the sturgeon general!"<br>
"Oh, snapper! That's a shockeye don't want to deal with!"</p>
<p class='other'>Were they still called the Carpathian Mountains before there were any roads through them?</p>
<p class='food'>All trucks carrying cheese curds: please proceed to the whey station.</p>
<p class='top longer'>The cops ran in, guns blazing!<br>
And the baker followed, buns glazing!<br>
Then a mother cow, sons grazing!<br>
Then a charity worker, funds raising!<br>
And finally I ran in, puns phrasing.</p>
<p class='food'>I had a joke about an old soda bottle, but it fell flat.</p>
<p class='math sci'>When gauge theorists go to networking events, are they hoping to make a lot of connections?</p>
<p class='food'>I gave the chef cart blanch to dip my wheelbarrow in boiling water.</p>
<p class='food'>"Barkeep, do you have any good draft beers?"<br>
"We do, but they're not finished yet."</p>
<p class='other'>If you want a machine that can predict sneezes, it had better be pretty on the nose.</p>
<p class='other'>Whichever politician best advocates for shelter-in-place is getting my indoors-ment.</p>
<p class='music'>If you can explain to me in rhyme how to package presents, you have my rapped wrapped rapt
attention.</p>
<p class='music'>I heard that Blackpink is releasing an album full of Kpop covers of operatic music! It'll be
called In Your Aria.</p>
<p class='music'>My friend is running a D&D campaign where a band of evil musicians sow discord and cause
destruction. It sounds like they'd rather be playing Bards Against Humanity.</p>
<p class='other'>"Hey, would you mind telling me, is this a big crack in the ground?"<br>
"Yeah, f'ssure."</p>
<p class='hum'>Once upon a time, someone wrote a trilogy of empty books: no words on any page. A reviewer
commented, "this silence speaks volumes."</p>
<p class='other'>Just throwing this out there, but does lowballing a quote count as an underhanded sales pitch? I
think it's a toss-up.</p>
<p class='other'>"I draw a card, and, uh, it tells me that I suck?"<br>
"Yeah, just add it to your diss card pile."</p>
<p class='other'>I heard SF's considering heated train cars and I thought, aww, that's BARTwarming!</p>
<p class='other'>Why was Genghis Khan such an effective warlord?<br>
Because he was always one steppe ahead of the rest.</p>
<p class='food'>"Oh no, why did you build a model of DC out of yogurt?"<br>
"I wanted to gain more cultural capital."</p>
<p class='food'>My friend took the unconventional step of filling her punching bag with flour, and I thought, isn't
that going against the grain?</p>
<p class='other'>At tonight's poetry slam, someone emotionally soliloquized her diary of adventures with her
daughter. It was a dramatic mom-o-log.</p>
<p class='math holidays'>The tau-ists seem to think that nobody actually believes π is better, as if we're being
led away by some sort of πd πper. Happy Pi Day!</p>
<p class='food'>If you can prepare and cook shellfish without thinking about it, you might have mussel memory.</p>
<p class='math'>"We have an exam on 3-manifold decompositions today."<br>
"Oh, is it going to be open book?"</p>
<p class='food'>What kind of tea is the best? I used to think this was a black-and-white issue, but now I see
there's also an Earl Grey area.</p>
<p class='food'>I ate calf meat, and then (gasp) I ate it again! What a dramatic re-veal.</p>
<p class='other'>Disgraced Senator Joe McCarthy was also an overbearing parent. Any grade lower than a B was
failure in his eyes, until someone finally asked him, "Have you no sense of Ds and Cs?"</p>
<p class='other'>The time and money you spend on a cat is reimbursed by a purr diem.</p>
<p class='other'>My favorite underground pub has closed! I'm a little sad, but it's a low bar to get over.</p>
<p class='other'>Why do we call it "endorsing a Democratic candidate" and not "showing your primary colors"?</p>
<p class='other'>They said I was good at misleading opponents in fencing, but then I overestimated myself. I was
damned by feint praise.</p>
<p class='other'>She said, "Wait, I didn't know we were boyfriend and girlfriend," with a dear-in-the-headlights
look.</p>
<p class='music'>My band might have a gig to play in a cornfield later, but I'm not sure. I think we're playing it
by ear.</p>
<p class='food'>Read the latest panini news here, hot off the press!</p>
<p class='other'>My friend and I were texting about traffic rules on one-way streets, but then I got left on
red.</p>
<p class='math CS top'>Someone insisted to me that gradient ascent always finds the global maximum and I thought,
are you sure that's the hill you want to die on?</p>
<p class='math food'>Applied algebraic topology: a chain restaurant is just a finite formal sum of restaurants.</p>
<p class='music'>"Wow, why have I only been hearing Hungarian Romantic piano pieces?"<br>
"Oh yeah, it's my Spotify play Liszt."</p>
<p class='CS'>Why call it e-waste and not LANfill?</p>
<p class='other'>"Take a virtual tour of your new home on your phone," said the augmented realty agent.</p>
<p class='other'>The stoners' photo dictionary: now in high definition.</p>
<p class='food lang meta'>I don't know what you would call a steamed bun filled with fortified wine, but it'd
probably be a portmantou.</p>
<p class='math'>Having some difficulty constructing this spectral sequence #nofilter</p>
<p class='other'>I'm hoping I can pull through these parking spaces, but if not, I have a back up plan.</p>
<p class='music'>The alien songwriter got out of the UFO and said to the assembled crowd, "Take me to your
lieder."</p>
<p class='math'>Draw a six-sided figure around the cursed object, and then, voilà! Hex-a-gone.</p>
<p class='lang'>"I've given up on English; I'll switch to Welsh."<br>
"What's the reason for your disavowel?"</p>
<p class='food'>What's a billiards player's favorite kind of cookie?<br>
Snookerdoodle.</p>
<p class='music'>If you're overly selective about what concerts you go to, you might be a showvinist.</p>
<p class='music'>Would you organize an audio library in the Dewey Decibel System?</p>
<p class='hum'>When Don Quijote goes to the market after dark, that's an errant knight-errant night errand.</p>
<p class='other'>My life changed when I shook a palm tree and an incredibly heavy fruit fell down. It was a date
with density.</p>
<p class='other'>"I actually really like thunderstorms, just not right here," said the cumulonimby.</p>
<p class='food sci'>When my friend makes Big Bang jokes while his food heats up, that's a comic microwave
background.</p>
<p class='food'>At the make-your-own-sushi event, I rolled up in style.</p>
<p class='sci'>They said I shouldn't invest in nitrous oxide companies, but I don't care if I look like a laughing
stock.</p>
<p class='music'>How about an ergonomic pen called Gorillaz, because it's feel-good ink?</p>
<p class='food'>A farmer used some of his fruit to make ice cream. His friend asked, "how'd it come out?"<br>
"Great," he said. "It's the cream of the crop!"</p>
<p class='food music'>Idea: a spiked chai scented candle called Nirvana, because it smells like tea spirits.</p>
<p class='other'>Some oceanfront landowners argue that they deserve private beach access, but I think that's just
en-tidal-ment.</p>
<p class='other'>That bridge must be a drawbridge, because it looks a little sketchy.</p>
<p class='other'>When the fir yearned for the spruce, the spruce didn't like the fir. Later, when the fir didn't
like the spruce, the spruce yearned for the fir. This has been a pine koan.</p>
<p class='other'>Our dog loves running in circles, which is how you know he's really a lap dog.</p>
<p class='sci'>This is the steppe biome. I never knew my real biome.</p>
<p class='holidays'>This is the year to go all out with your New Year's party! It'll be a while before you can
party so decadendly again.</p>
<p class='other'>When it comes to changing tires, I don't know jack.</p>
<p class='food longer'>Restaurant names inspired by movies:<br>
Toastbusters<br>
Forrest Gumbo<br>
The Shape of Watermelon<br>
Soy Story<br>
Kiwi's Delivery Service<br>
Halwa's Moving Castle<br>
A-Pocky-lypse Now<br>
The Lamb Shank Redemption<br>
Beauty and the Beets<br>
A-rye-veal</p>
<p class='music'>When I first listened to music that wasn't in the Top 40, I was in uncharted territory.</p>
<p class='holidays'>Every time his nose blinked, all of the other reindeer thought it was in terrible taste. Rude
on, rude off.</p>
<p class='other'>The city is hiring a worker to update all letters on tombstones in the cemetery to uppercase. The
work is to be done late at night – it's graveyard shift.</p>
<!-- fall 2019, up to 12/23 -->
<p class='holidays'>Happy Hannukah! Sometimes people give me chocolate coins for Hanukkah – but because I'm
not Jewish, isn't that gelt by association?</p>
<p class='food'>The rabbits got to the lettuce patch and now it's a holey Romaine empire.</p>
<p class='music'>I read an article on 15 signs that you were probably emo in middle school and, well, I feel so
scene right now!</p>
<p class='food'>I ordered a sandwich upstairs, but it's the hero of another story.</p>
<p class='math CS'>“Is this function's derivative nice enough to optimize?”<br>
“Yes, I give it my gradient assent.”</p>
<p class='music'>I flipped over my friend's band's single and was amazed to hear my own voice. I was B-side
myself!</p>
<p class='lang'>The brooch had Mandarin written on it. How should we write it in English? I had an idea, but it was
only a pin in Pinyin opinion.</p>
<p class='other'>“You have déjà vu? Wow, you're totally living the dream.”</p>
<p class='food'>“This isn't butter, it's ghee,” Tom clarified.</p>
<p class='other'>In Sonic Adventure 2, Eggman scrapes off half of the moon. There's no way that works in real life.
It's shear lunacy!</p>
<p class='sci'>So, you want to do quantum mechanics. Are you sure it's not just a phase?</p>
<p class='other'>I made the mistake of telling people that I like recumbent bikes. I had to do a lot of
backpedaling.</p>
<p class='other'>I'm trying to understand town plazas from the very beginning, so I have to go back to square
one.</p>
<p class='food'>This cooking video game sure has a lot of cutscenes.</p>
<p class='food'>I wrote and recited a poem about dipping donuts in coffee. People really liked it — it was a slam
dunk!</p>
<p class='other'>When I finally looked down and noticed the pattern in the tiles, I was floored.</p>
<p class='other'>“Where have I seen Abe Lincoln's face before?” Tom asked, innocently.</p>
<p class='other'>Paperback books warn you that if they don't have a cover, they might be pirated. But I always felt
like that was a spineless assertion.</p>
<p class='other'>The agave was ringing! So I picked it up, put it to my ear, and said, “Aloe?”</p>
<p class='food'>“Don't drop the ranch, or you'll get a dressing down.”</p>
<p class='other'>What's a meteor's favorite font?<br>
Impact.</p>
<p class='other'>Sometimes people get arrested for repainting “A” Mountain, near downtown Tucson. What
a strange hill to dye on.</p>
<p class='food'>I heard General Mills is looking for a candidate with social media experience to hire as a bran
manager.</p>
<p class='other'>Letters are all write, but numbers are what counts.</p>
<p class='other'>The weather wasn't the best today. But on a brighter note, I got some neon Post-Its!</p>
<p class='other'>If you want to tell a story about fishing, it's got to have a good hook.</p>
<p class='lang'>“The cave echoes if you shout action words at it, but not objects.”<br>
“I see, it re-verbs.”</p>
<p class='math'>I met a dog that helps people understand complex numbers. He's a seeing <i>i</i> dog.</p>
<p class='math'>There are a few different notions for exterior products, and mathematicians get really animated
arguing which is the best. I had no idea it was such a wedge issue.</p>
<p class='other'>“Dad, what's this hot tub in the yard?”<br>
“Son, ah sawn a sauna.”<br>
“Yew wood? You would.”</p>
<p class='food'>I know this is a long shot, but have you ever drank hard liquor out of one of those yard
glasses?</p>
<p class='food math'>Apparently a shop making figure-8 shaped bagels is opening up downtown. It's a nice idea, but
their advertising looks hyperbolic and gives off a holier-than-thou attitude.</p>
<p class='other'>If wifi suddenly stopped working, the world would surely descend into a horror-movie scenario: the
Silence of the LANs.</p>
<p class='sci'>People often forget about the moralizing influence of the Pauli exclusion principle — but, after
all, it prevents two fermions from living together in spin.</p>
<p class='hum'>According to Shakespeare, why did Juliet hate combing her hair?<br>
Because parting is such sweet sorrow.</p>
<p class='music'>Flutes, clarinets, and saxophones: “Let's all use a unified fingering system!”<br>
Double reeds: “OK Boehm-er”</p>
<p class='lang food'>J'aime le sandwich vietnamien. C'est un bon ami.</p>
<p class='food'>What vegetable looks the most like a straight line?<br>
The queuecumber.</p>
<p class='meta'>Some friends suggested I post my puns on a separate account, lest I be accused of being corny on
main. </p>
<p class='food'>“Help! I've been turned into a coffeepot!!”<br>
“Oh, pour you.”</p>
<p class='other'>When you're drowning in bureaucratic paperwork, it's probably because they tried to optimize for
forms over function.</p>
<p class='other'>Is predicting the future of the Czech capital Praguenostication?</p>
<p class='other'>“This car can take corners at very high speeds, if you get my drift.”</p>
<p class='music'>…wait, shouldn't “pop rock” and “dad rock” be synonyms?</p>
<p class='music food'>🎶🎶 Sweet dreams are made of tea;<br>
Who am I to diss a green?</p>
<p class='other'>I'm not so much a furniture expert as an armchair enthusiast.</p>
<p class='hum'>Shakespeare's histories are really just comedies of eras.</p>
<p class='food'>This avocado is overripe. What a Hass-been.</p>
<p class='other'>If Bruce Banner has seven PhDs, shouldn't we call him The Credible Hulk?</p>
<p class='food'>“You only eat egg whites? Haha, what a health nerd!”<br>
“My health is no yolking matter.”</p>
<p class='math'>Girl, it's like I'm cos(<i>x</i>) and you're sin(<i>x</i>), …because my physics friends tell
me you should just be an <i>x</i>.</p>
<p class='food'>“All rise for the Greek cheesemaster,” Tom fêted.</p>
<p class='food'>We were arguing about how to prepare the cucumbers, so I suggested a compromise: “let's make
a dill.”</p>
<p class='other'>Are undercover detectives on the prairie plain clothes officers?</p>
<p class='CS'>Instead of using my real name on my computer's admin account, I go by a sudo-nym.</p>
<p class='food'>Gonna try using sparkling water to wash paint off of a board, because I hear it makes a great
palette cleanser.</p>
<p class='other'>I heard they're developing a car which will automatically connect to your home's Wi-Fi.<br>
It's a LAN Rover.</p>
<p class='other'>The film director hired an actor to play a dishwasher, but he broke his arm, couldn't wash the
dishes, and ended up damaging them. Talk about cast irony.</p>
<p class='food longer'>If you hate pizza crusts, you might be the anti-crust.
But if you love them, maybe you're a Crustafarian, born and bread in the the Crust Belt, suffering a crushting
political defeat after crussting a line being cheesy, and eventually rising to become a crustworthy pizza the
community.</p>
<p class='other'>Everyone tells me it's better to keep my phone on vibrate, but I don't get what all the buzz is
about.</p>
<p class='other'>Heard rumors about a revolutionary ballpoint pen design in the making. Bic if true</p>
<p class='food'>Chickpea farmers know how to stay relevant, because they keep their fingers on the pulse.</p>
<p class='math'>What's Professor Oak's favorite branch of math?<br>
In-dex theory.</p>
<p class='other'>Be mindful skiing on newly fallen snow: with great powder comes great responsibility.</p>
<p class='other'>Water collecting on grass overnight? Yeah no, I don't believe it for a second. It's too
dewbious.</p>
<p class='music'>Tired: Beethoven festival<br>
Wired: Deafcon</p>
<p class='other'>To prevent people from stealing the Declaration of Independence, they have to lock it in a nick
cage.</p>
<p class='food'>“Did you hear the highway's been blocked by a bunch of fruit preserves?”<br>
“No! Did it cause a jam?”<br>
“I don't know; check the jellyvision.”</p>
<p class='math CS top'>When I finally understood asymptotic notation, it was a big “Oh” moment.</p>
<p class='music'>If you want your car to honk at a specific pitch, you'll have to auto tune it.</p>
<p class='other'>“This seashore sucks. It's litorally the worst.”</p>
<p class='other'>If you're broadcasting video using the in-flight wifi of a trans-Atlantic flight, that's
(probably) a jet stream jet stream.</p>
<p class='other'>If a clothing company offered lifetime warranties, they'd have to in-denim-ify anyone who tore
holes in their jeans.</p>
<p class='music'>“When we first recorded this traditional Australian music, it just sounded wrong.”<br>
“Oh… didgeridoo it?”</p>
<p class='other'>If I want a six-pack, I'd better start all the way back at square one: the ab initio workout.</p>
<p class='math'>At first I wondered, “why perverse sheaves?” But now IC.</p>
<p class='other'>Make fun of virtual reality sports all you want, I think they're mind-bowlingly innovative.</p>
<p class='other'>I tried recreating some of Warhol's pop art. But my copy looks weird; I think I landed in the
uncanny valley.</p>
<p class='other'>I want to authenticate my letters with a picture of an aquatic animal. Should I go for the seal
seal or the cygnet signet?</p>
<p class='other'>“Who let you have a periscope? That's a big oversight.”</p>
<p class='food'>If you can make the rockets launch on thyme, you might actually be playing Herbal Space
Program.</p>
<p class='food'>Becoming an accomplished cheesemaker would definitely be a feta in your cap.</p>
<p class='other'>Post Rogue One, the Galactic Empire must have switched to sans Scarif fonts.</p>
<p class='food hum'>Sigh, my leftover vegetable curry heated up super unevenly in the microwave. That makes it A
Saag of Ice and Fire.</p>
<!-- summer 2019, up to 9/8
notably including 5 weeks' of prescheduled puns while I was traveling 6/17-7/20 -->
<p class='food'>Which city in Kanto has the best foodie scene?<br>
Palate Town.</p>
<p class='other'>“I, as my father before me, search for the missing bees; it was his bee quest bequest.”</p>
<p class='math holidays'>Apparently at College Gameday today, someone asked Matthew McConaughey what his favorite framed knot invariants are.<br>
He answered, “all writhe, all writhe, all writhe.”</p>
<p class='music'>I'm anxiously awaiting the day when I can buy an LP of Europe's (the band) greatest hits…<br>
It's the vinyl countdown!</p>
<p class='other'>I have a hard time drawing with tree branches. The best I can do is stick figures.</p>
<p class='other'>“I've seen some bad parking jobs, but this is crossing the line.”</p>
<p class='food CS'>Have you ever had corn on the cob go bad? Mine had some bugs in it, so I had a moment of kernel panic, which caused a corn dump.</p>
<p class='CS'>“We're trying to disrupt the baseball industry. Would you like to hear my startup pitch?”</p>
<p class='other'>If you're not an expert at painting walls, it might help to follow a primer.</p>
<p class='food'>“I'm going to use the color of this wine to predict the future. It'll be a potent port tint portent.”</p>
<p class='other'>I thought I was good at color matching but that turned out to just be huebris.</p>
<p class='music'>“I'm all for contemporary classical music, but how new is this piece exactly?”<br>
“Why, it's practically fresh off the presto.”
<p class='food sci'>Once upon a time there was a candy store which gave out free mints that relaxed the mind. Everyone loved them, to the point where they would eat so many and not buy anything else, and the shop had to close. It was the tragedy of the calm mints.</p>
<p class='other'>“Does it not bother you that your clothes are always wrinkled?”<br>
“No, it's not a pressing concern.”
<p class='food longer'>The detective slammed down the phone, took a drag on his cigarette, and growled at the dim, empty office, “You said that old chestnut, that I can't crack the case, but you pecan the wrong detective! Almond my fences with the police macademia. I'm pistachio and I will cashew.<br>
I need a drink. I could go for a peanut noir.”</p>
<p class='sci music'>The song “Good vibrations” really resonates with me.</p>
<p class='music hum'>If Verdi wrote an opera based on <i>Much Ado About Nothing</i>, would he have called it <i>La Triviata?</i></p>
<p class='other'>Making fun of people for sounding smart is dissingenious.</p>
<p class='other'>“I'm sorry about your Metapod, but uh, no hard feelings?”</p>
<p class='other'>What do new urbanist zombies want?<br>
Ttttrrrrraaaaaiiiinnnnnnns.</p>
<p class='other'>Don't lie about why the lawn is wet. That's dewplicitous.</p>
<p class='longer'><i>ring ring</i><br>
“Hi, is this Leslie?”<br>
“No, I'm Shirley. You have the wrong number.”<br>
“Shirley? You can't be serious.”<br>
“I am Shirley, and don't call me. Serious.” <i>click</i></p>
<p class='other'>It must be hellish for the flatfish trapped behind concrete, unable to get upstream. Poor dammed soles.</p>
<p class='math sci'>A line interviewed with some data points, but they called back and said it wasn't a good fit.</p>
<p class='food'>When asked whether he would give to the venison charity, Rhett Butler responded, “Frankly, madam, I don't give a deer.”</p>
<p class='other'>“An insult and a karate stance? Pathetic. You can't diss pose of me so easily!”</p>
<p class='hum'>If you give a Sigmund Freud doll as a gift, be sure to shrink wrap it.</p>
<p class='other'>The weatherman said to expect strong winds this week, but I think he's just full of bluster.</p>
<p class='sci'>I wrote to USGS asking if they would tell me the difference between true north and magnetic north, but they responded with a declination.</p>
<p class='other'>In the news: man accused of passing off gold-plated coins as solid gold to plead gilty.</p>
<p class='music'>“Do you like Old Town Road?”<br>
“Yeah, I guess; it's a Lil Nas.”</p>
<p class='CS'>A compiler walks into a saloon. The bartender asks, “What's yer business 'round these parts?”<br>
The compiler says, “Not much, just parsing through.”</p>
<p class='other'>“I know he's funny, but don't go to his shows: his fans are crazy.”<br>
“Great, another stanned-up comedian.”</p>
<p class='other longer'>I stubbled upon an article on the World Beard and Moustache Championships the other day, and now I'm wondering, what's the atmosphere like? Is it a bunch of prickly competitors trading barbs and side burns they've shaved for the big day, or is it more of a growth mindset?</p>
<p class='food'>My friend asked me to put donuts into boxes, but it was pretty boring work: by the end I was dozen off.</p>
<p class='other'>“Wait, you're telling me frogs are reptiles?”<br>
“No, am fibbin'.”</p>
<p class='other'>“Is that a komodo dragon desktop background?”<br>
“No, but it is a monitor lizard.”</p>
<p class='food music'>“I Cook Saags Not Jalfrezis” by Panir! At The Disco</p>
<p class='other'>The guy at the camera store really wanted me to buy the sturdiest case. It was quite the hard shell.</p>
<p class='CS math'>Alice: dozes in the back of algorithms class<br>
Bob, later: Did you sleep well?<br>
Alice: Yeah, in theory.</p>
<p class='other'>I strained my neck reading about synonyms. It was thesaurus I've ever been.</p>
<p class='hum food'>I went to a coffeeshop called The Fourth Estate – but it turns out they only offer French press.</p>
<p class='hum'>“I keep having this nightmare in which I eat a cake that says ‘EAT ME’ and then grow really big! How can I stop it?”<br>
“Alice, have you tried seeing a shrink?”</p>
<p class='other'>I'm marketing to predatory birds. But I don't have a plan; everything's ad hawk.
<p class='other'>“Is that fog over the peninsula?”<br>
“No, isthmus.”</p>
<p class='other'>“Help! I got my fingers stuck together!”<br>
“Are you OK??”<br>
“Well, I feel pretty glue-my.”</p>
<p class='sci'>Did you know the movie Cast Away actually takes place within the trivial quantum field theory?<br>
You can tell because there are no Wilson lines.</p>
<p class='other'>So this knight didn't like his apprentice and tried to switch, but the new one was even worse. “Oh well,” he thought, “back to squire one.”</p>
<p class='music'>Growing up, we had a basketball hoop in the driveway, but the basketballs would eventually hit cacti and deflate. At first I was frustrated, then just jaded: all in all, it's just another prick in the ball.</p>
<p class='other'>“Look, Ash, I know you already beat Koga but Team Rocket is on the move and time's running out. We must send you back to the Fuchsia!”</p>
<p class='food'>What's a collie's favorite dessert?<br>
Mango Lassie.</p>
<p class='other'>“Make sure to show new prisoners around only on flat trails: stick to the con-tour lines.”</p>
<p class='other'>“How'd you hear my video went viral?”<br>
“Oh I saw it through the great Vine.”</p>
<p class='CS food'>MS-DoSa: an embedded Windows OS, for breadboards.</p>
<p class='other'>In my grand gardening plan, this water feature is just an unwitting pond.</p>
<p class='other'>Whoever shoplifted these pumps – I'll catch them, and there'll be heel to pay!</p>
<p class='food'>How do you categorize the properties of different kinds of wine? By using a Vin diagram.</p>
<p class='other'>When academics judge each other's glances, is that a kind of peer review?</p>
<p class='other'>Who was the leader of the dinosaur mafia?<br>The pteranoDon.</p>
<p class='other'>Let's uproot these oafish weeds! Grab crass crabgrass!</p>
<p class='math'>“They're accusing me of having a nontrivial tangent bundle, but I've been framed!”</p>
<p class='music'>“Wow, you know so much about comic opera!”<br>
“Yes-a, I'm an opera buff-a.”</p>
<p class='other'>They're asking me to bring water to the surface? Well I'll be!</p>
<p class='sci'>Who was the meanest creature in all the Pleistocene?<br>
The bully mammoth.</p>
<p class='food'>To get to the Gilroy garlic festival, take an exit at the clove-or-leaf interchange.</p>
<p class='math'>There's affine line between the the upper half-plane and the lower half-plane.</p>
<p class='other'>The sign says no adults on this playground, but hopefully they'll let it slide.</p>
<p class='other'>If you found a way to extract electricity from sand, you could live off the grit.</p>
<p class='other'>I know all the hills, the valleys, the plains and canyons: I'm on topo the world!</p>
<p class='other'>Is this an authentic light fixture, or a sham-delier?</p>
<p class='math'>What's a mathematician's favorite kind of shoes?<br>
Converse.</p>
<p class='top'>I tried to set my printer to use European paper sizes. It didn't work, but I got an A4 effort.</p>
<p class='CS math'>I tried to implement polynomial multiplication in C++ but I keep getting floating-point errors. Double, double, FOIL and trouble.</p>
<p class='other'>A distinguished chiropractor is staturesque.</p>
<p class='other'>My friend overtaxed himself while fishing. The doctors said it was carp-pull tunnel syndrome.</p>
<p class='food'>“Beer in a bucket is not what I meant when I ordered a pale ale!”</p>
<p class='other'>“Dude you've already told me how big your mirror is. You're just re-flexing.”</p>
<p class='sci'>Would a prestigious job in quantum mechanics be an example of a superposition?</p>
<p class='sci hum'>Some people can handle resistance; others just walk away. I don't know where to. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Ohm's Law.</p>
<p class='CS'>The proprietary solution glows in the dark, but the open-source version is close enough: it's FOSS for essence.</p>
<p class='food'>Why does this wine make me so sleepy…? Oh right, it's from Nap-a Valley.</p>
<p class='food'>“These mints have nice things written on them. And they're free!”<br>
“Oh nice, a complimentary compli-mint tray.”</p>
<p class='music'>In an interview, the counterfeiter reportedly said, “Those warrants for my arrest are just empty threats. Faux money, faux problems.”</p>
<p class='sci'>I asked two groups of friends whether I should color my hair, and got completely different responses! Talk about a dye-poll moment.</p>
<p class='other'>Even if you never intended to adopt a kitty, seeing who's available at the shelter could be the cat-a-list for it to happen.</p>
<p class='CS'>“You can't trust him just because he has root access. What if he believes in sudo science?”</p>
<p class='music'>Hearing a rap battle followed by a string quartet performance would be pretty diss concert ing.</p>
<p class='hum'>It surprised me how few of the stories in <i>A Thousand and One Nights</i> took place in the desert. I guess the Sahara's odd.</p>
<p class='food music'>Man, the lyrics to Uptown Funk are sweet like candy! Talk about Mars bars.</p>
<p class='other'>When the neighbors upstream argue, the sound river berates all the way down the creek.</p>
<p class='music'>I don't know why everyone jokes about Sandstorm, but I'm going to get to Darude of it.</p>
<p class='food'>This guy came around with green tea and I was like, “who sencha?”</p>
<p class='math'>I had a problem, so I tried to use moduli theory. Now I have a family of problems.</p>
<p class='other'>“We were impressed when the castle tower joined the CIA, and then it started moving up the ranks!”<br>
“Inspiring, a spire in a spy ring aspiring.”</p>
<p class='sci'>“What's that in the telescope? Is it a globular cluster?”<br>
“Aye, M80.”</p>
<p class='other'>What's a pilot's favorite font?<br>
Arial.</p>
<!-- spring 2019, up to 5/21 -->
<p class='food sci'>I've figured it out – I'll use electrolysis to make wine. It'll be my redemption, my
revenge, my vin de cation.</p>
<p class='other'>I heard that Shrek's animators all got along really well, because DreamWorks makes the team work.</p>
<p class='hum'>“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your shears,<br>
I come to bury Scissors, not to shave him.<br>
The weaving that men do lives after them,<br>
The cut is oft interred with a bowl.<br>
So let it be with Scissors…”</p>
<p class='food'>Does “OJ did it” count as a pulp fiction?</p>
<p class='other'>“…then when the road split, we went left.”<br>
“Last time you said you went right.”<br>
“Yeah, it's a fork to be retconned with.”</p>
<p class='other'>I met a judge who tried out a competitive bouldering team, but wasn't very good at it. He did lots
of ledges-waiting from the bench.</p>
<p class='hum lang'>Yo trato comprender las obras de Sartre, pero No Éxito.</p>
<p class='other'>This rain's been a fun way to learn my pens aren't waterproof. I guess that's why they call it ink
lament weather.</p>
<p class='food'>“If you don't like this tea, well, it's my way or the chai way.”</p>
<p class='math'>When working with the Zariski topology, your open sets are way too big, so everything is kinda
fuzzy and imprecise, and you have to squint to actually see anything. And that's why we use étale topology: it's a
site for sore eyes.</p>
<p class='other'>“An analog stopwatch? What are you, some kind of old timer?”</p>
<p class='meta music'>In the news: local gym attracts controversy for posters with awful wordplay. Owner is not
backing down, says “Puns to stay at the YMCA.”</p>
<p class='other'>It's time to honor our noblest comedians. Stand up, stand-up stand-ups! Up standing are our
upstanding friends.</p>
<p class='other'>If you want to hold a party at a cabin, it helps to be good at lodgeistics.</p>
<p class='music'>A good ear is helpful when it comes to vehicle maintenance. For instance, when the sound a tire
makes against the road lowers in pitch, you have a flat tire.</p>
<p class='food'>There were so many sweet potatoes at the grocery store today. It was yam-packed!</p>
<p class='music'>The symphonies of Brahms are as intricate as they are emotional: there are lots of moving parts.</p>
<p class='other'>Why does Bruce Banner shop at Costco?<br>
The incredible bulk.</p>
<p class='food'>“This dessert recipe is a secret. I'll only tell you using Smores code.”</p>
<p class='top math'>Pay attention to surjective functions – I think they're onto something.</p>
<p class='music'>“What do you think of a band of kazoos backed by percussion?”<br>
“Sounds humdrum to me.”</p>
<p class='hum'>I used to think, “well, if I'm alert and able to complain about it then it can't be that
bad,” but that's a kvetch-22.</p>
<p class='food holidays'>The Easter Bunny brings chocolate for kids. Maybe one year the Yeaster Bunny will bring
beer for the rest of us. Hoppy Easter, everyone!</p>
<p class='other'>The Roads Scholars' final exam is to cut a one-lane highway through the mountains, and to make a
passing grade.</p>
<p class='other'>Man, some snakes have expensive tastes! A diamondbag with copperheads, a feathered boa,
andacondo… it adders up.</p>
<p class='math'>My friend said “I've given up trying to solve ∫ cos <i>x</i> sin <i>x</i> d<i>x</i>”
and I replied, “ok, you d'you.”</p>
<p class='other'>“Do I need to introduce you to the power tools?”<br>
“Nah, I know the drill.”</p>
<p class='hum'>You either die a heroic couplet, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villanelle.</p>
<p class='food'>What's Willy Wonka's favorite kind of dog?<br>
A chocolate lab.</p>
<p class='other'>What kind of lizard surprises you in the bathroom?<br>
A commode dragon.</p>
<p class='other'>My friend Vern wanted to buy a dragon and I just thought, “Why, Vern?”</p>
<p class='other'>What do you get an improv comedian who has everything?<br>
Off-the-cuff links.</p>
<p class='top food'>For years, I didn't believe that green apples were a real thing. I thought my grandmother made
them up, and that's why they were called Granny's myth apples.</p>
<p class='other'>“Don't worry about what goes into the fertilizer. It's just a manure detail.”</p>
<p class='other'>If a restaurant's lobby is between the kitchen and the tables, it's also an entreeway.</p>
<p class='music'>The music at the furniture store today was all Cher.</p>
<p class='food'>Not believing in perishable foods, and other fridge conspiracy theories</p>
<p class='other'>What city sounds like it has the most superheroes?<br>
Cape Town.</p>
<p class='other'>To the guy who swindled me out of my aquariums: tanks for nothing!</p>
<p class='other'>I don't believe in two-story beds. They're bunk!</p>
<p class='top math'>May is requesting an extension from the EU, but she's not going to get one:
Ext<sup>1</sup>(🇬🇧, 🇪🇺) = 0, because the UK has decided to split.</p>
<p class='top food'>I'm going to make glasses out of empty ketchup bottles, because Heinz-sight is 20/20.</p>
<p class='math'>If you and a friend want to talk spectral sequences, it helps to be on the same page.</p>
<p class='other'>It's easy to pirate movies on the ISS: in space, no one can hear you stream.</p>
<p class='music'>I heard they're making a comic about atonal music – it'll be serialized!</p>
<p class='other'>How are the hiking paths near the courthouse designed?<br>
Using trail by jury.</p>
<p class='music'>Me: do you know any martial arts?<br>
Classical pianist: how about <i>Jeux d'eau</i>?</p>
<p class='top math'>Some mathematicians work slowly, but Paul Erdős considered speed to be very important in his
mathematical work.</p>
<p class='other'>“Is there any reason we shouldn't get this beautiful kitchen island?”<br>
“I can envision some counter arguments.”</p>
<p class='other'>When I recoiled at my friend's pairs tennis opinions, it was a doubles take double take.</p>
<p class='CS math'>If I wanted to find an optimal color palette, maybe I would try gradient ascent.</p> <p
class='CS top'>I heard of a project using machine learning to detect whether a picture contains an insect. The
tagline is, “That's not a bug; it's a feature!”</p>
<p class='other'>“This isn't perforated. What a rip-off!”</p>
<p class='math'>Given that John washes his hair, how likely is it that he applies conditioner? The answer is a
conditioner probability.</p>
<p class='music'>The other day, I got some pretty sound advice on making melodies sound more beautiful.</p>
<p class='music'>If I wanted to win an air guitar competition, I'd have to pull some strings.</p>
<p class='food holidays'>“For one day only, we're serving crème brûlée on a crust, as part of a special
pie-lit program. Happy π Day!”</p>
<p class='other'>Jigglypuff's neutral B: that's just how I roll.</p>
<p class='math'>My friend studied trigonometry outside and now he's a tan gent.</p>
<p class='food'>Is skipping out on a date to bleach the tips of one's hair a frosted flake?</p>
<p class='other'>Today at the polka dot factory, the manager came by to do a spot check.</p>
<p class='food'>I love drying grapes! It's my raisin d'être.</p>
<p class='music'>If you sung/barked a duet with Lassie, would that be a collie-and-response?</p>
<p class='music'>If J.S. Bach had joined the army with a smile, he would've been a Well-Tempered Cavalier.</p>
<p class='sci music'>Archimedes would've been a good rapper, because he understood diss placement.</p>
<p class='other'>“Try not to look angry: that's lowbrow. See if you can look surprised; that's more
highbrow.”</p>
<p class='other'>“I don't know what gym clothes to suggest for weightlifting; this isn't my strong suit.”</p>
<p class='top'>It all makes sense now: in the live-action Aladdin remake, the Genie can reshape people's will, so they need him to be a will smith.</p>
<p class='food'>How do you psychoanalyze a potato?<br>
Look into its eyes and say, “Hey spuddy, fry don't you chip down and tell me about your peelings.”</p>
<p class='music'>If you think that Turangalîla is the only good symphony, you might have a Messiaen complex.</p>
<p class='other'>If a playwright places subtle spoilers at stage level, is that called floorshadowing?</p>
<p class='other'>They always told me I should visit Ecuador sooner rather than later. You know, Quito while you're
ahead.</p>
<p class='other'>“I might use different colors here, but you do hue.”</p>
<p class='lang'>“You like nouns, too? That makes you the second person pro-noun.”</p>
<p class='food'>“I messed up, kids; this bread isn't crispy enough. Don't call papadum.”</p>
<p class='other'>After my friend got a hearing aid, he believed everything he heard, because the custom ear is
always right.</p>
<p class='food'>My favorite deli just switched from square sandwiches to circular ones. I'm worried that they're
cutting corners.</p>
<p class='other'>When a dog falls in love, has it met its other arf?</p>
<p class='sci'>It used to bother me how ice, water, and steam were so different and yet the same, but these days
I'm unphased by it.</p>
<p class='other'>My doctor suggested that in 30 years, I should punch trees to stay in health. He said he read this
in a book called Knock On Tree For Old Men.</p>
<p class='other'>In World War 3, the bomb is the law and thelaw is the bomb – a live ordinance.</p>
<p class='math'>If you wanted to learn how to construct the Spin groups without all the messy details, would you
just read the Cliff notes?</p>
<p class='lang food'>“This is a 1999 French wine… or as I like to say, a vin de siècle.”</p>
<p class='other'>He was an electrician. She was a politician. Together, they were a power couple.</p>
<p class='music'>Every time I visit London, the river looks completely different! Seems like the Thames, they are
a-changin'.</p>
<p class='music'>When I sing along with someone, I try to sound consonant, but usually I just sound vowel.</p>
<p class='other'>If my aunt asked how she could act against mainstream white supremacists, I'd say “Auntie,
diss establishment Aryanism!”</p>
<p class='other'>“My friend is playing mini golf!”<br>
“Eew, so off-putting.”</p>
<p class='math'>I hated differential forms when I was an undergrad. They gave me a complex!</p>
<p class='lang'>“I made you a jacket for your birthday. ¡Fleece cumple!”</p>
<p class='other'>Why did Stalin dislike the Moscow Aquarium?<br>
Because it had anemones of the people.</p>
<p class='food'>“This is the best dried poblano pepper.”<br>
“You mean the head ancho?”</p>
<p class='top'>The Little Engine That Could succeeded because it believed in itself. Does that make it a self
esteam engine?</p>
<p class='other'>The ringmaster said that founding a circus was his clowning achievement.</p>
<p class='food'>“I've heard you switched to veggie burgers?”<br>
“Just tempeh, rarely.”</p>
<p class='CS'>I asked my friend why he used such a low-level language for webdev, and he said, “C is for
cookies; that's good enough for me.”</p>
<p class='other'>If Stan Lee was a sculptor, he would have created the Marble Cinematic Universe.</p>
<p class='other'>“Is this a moving van?”<br>
“Well officer, right now it's stopped.”</p>
<p class='other'>They said, if you like his style then take a page out of his book; but that sounds like tearable
advice to me.</p>
<p class='food'>If a D&D group uses dice that look like sushi, that's roll-playing roll playing role-playing.</p>
<p class='other'>If you have trouble publishing a book on armoires, you may have to turn to a vanity press.</p>
<p class='food'>My friend hurt his wrist making candy. The doctor said it was caramel tunnel syndrome.</p>
<p class='music'>Why did the Guns N' Roses tour bus break down?<br>
Its axles were slashed.</p>
<p class='longer food'>Carb Wars: Some New Hops<br>
The Carb Wars Challah-day Special<br>
Carb Wars: The Empanada Strikes Back<br>
Carb Wars: Return of the Bread-i<br>
Carb Wars: The Pannetone Menace<br>
Carb Wars: Attack of the Scones<br>
Carb Wars: Revenge of the Ritz<br>
Carb Wars: The Fork Awakens<br>
Roti One: A Carb Wars Story<br>
Carb Wars: The Last Red Rye<br>
Soda: A Carb Wars Story</p>
<p class='other'>“Why would you bring a periscope birdwatching? That's so over the top.”</p>
<p class='other'>At first, the editor thought an article on down jackets would be a fluff piece, but eventually
they warmed up to the idea.</p>
<p class='top'>I have a friend who's a surgeon and a comedian – how cool is that? Anyways, he's got an open
Mike night coming up.</p>
<p class='other'>When my friend shared his collection of Japanese comics with me, I thought it was pretty
manganimous of him.</p>
<p class='other'>The recipe said to spend an hour organizing one of the spices in my cheapest washbasin, but to me that sounded like a dime sink thyme sync time sink.</p>
<p class='holidays'>What do you get when you put a Santa hat on a cat? Felis navidad.</p>
<p class='meta'>“How about I promote your jokes and you promote mine? It'll be a quip pro quo.”</p>
<p class='sci'>Erosion is why we can't have gneiss things.</p>
<p class='food top longer'>Rejected titles for Indian cooking shows:<br>
Kheer Eye for the Straight Guy<br>
A Saag of Ice and Fire<br>
How I Met Your Mutter<br>
Code Gheeass<br>
I Love Luchi<br>
The Legend of Pakora</p>
<p class='sci music'>“We call ourselves The Igneous Intrusion, because, well, we're a rock band.”</p>
<p class='food hum'>If you ran a food blog centered in the Salinas Valley, you could call it Eats of Eden.</p>
<p class='meta'>“All you do is tell puns. It's getting old.”<br>
“What, like a schtick in the mud?”</p>
<p class='math longer'>A man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the bartender, “This is a talking dog.
I'll bet you a drink he can answer a question.”<br>
The bartender says, “Sure. Ok doggy, what's your favorite spin cobordism invariant?”<br>
“Arf!”<br>
“…”<br>
“Clifford, how about a different one?”<br>
“A-roof!”<br>
(they get thrown out)<br>
The dog looks at the man and says, “Ok fine, next time I'll say ‘index of the Dirac operator.’
”</p>
<p class='other'>I don't think my tree is making great life choices, but hey, yew do yew.</p>
<!-- fall 2018, up to 12/13 -->
<p class='food'>If you write your unspoken thoughts on a sandwich, is that subtext?</p>
<p class='other'>Yoda was quite the tour de Force in The Empire Strikes Back.</p>
<p class='hum'>Claudio heard a rumor that Hero wasn't tending their trees correctly – but it turned out to be mulch ado about nothing.</p>
<p class='food'>Little-known fact: the asparagus pee smell is actually caused by a wizard using it to shield himself. You see, piss is the awning of the mage of asparagus.</p>
<p class='other'>I'm ambivalent about topography: it has its ups and downs.</p>
<p class='sci'>The BIPM recently voted to change the definition of the gram away from a standard reference mass, which will now be retired. <a href='https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/latergram/'>#latergram</a></p>
<p class='music'>
1. Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them<br>
2. Fantastic Beats: The Rhymes of Grindelwald<br>
3. ???</p>
<p class='other'>Don't disguise yourself as a window – it's a pane in the neck and people will see right through it.</p>
<p class='food lang top'>Yo quiero sopa pero mi novia quiere comida japonesa. Por último, yo compro miso.</p>
<p class='other'>In Catan, why is it called Longest Road and not Colossus of Roads?</p>
<p class='other'>A donkey gets stuck in fresh pavement. Is the owner negligent or is it the asphalt?</p>
<p class='food'>What's a parrot's favorite nut?<br>
A macaw-demia.</p>
<p class='food math sci'>Where do superpositions of hazelnuts live?<br>
In a filbert space.</p>
<p class='other'>I met a bald man who told me how much nicer it is to use soap on your head instead of shampoo. He really rubbed it in.</p>
<p class='math CS'>Technically, isn't RSA a kind of two-factor authentication?</p>
<p class='food'>“Please be careful with the spices: this recipe is thyme-sensitive.”</p>
<p class='music'>Did you hear that The Wrinkles are headlining at ACL this weekend?</p>
<p class='food'>How did fried chickens evolve from ordinary chickens?<br>
By selective breading.</p>
<p class='food music'>What's the Second Viennese School's favorite kind of pasta?<br>
Gnocchi.</p>
<p class='top'>I found myself falling in love with a display house, but in the end it was just stock home syndrome.</p>
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<p class='other'>“Oh no, there are additional flowers!” Tom said, morosely.</p>
<p class='other'>“That campsite on the left side of the ship unnerves me… I think it's a port
tent.”</p>
<p class='other'>In flag lowering news, standards are going down everywhere.</p>
<p class='food math'>When a brewer wants to calculate a best-fit line, do they use a yeast-squares regression?</p>
<p class='top sci'>What do you get if you bury fool's gold in a treasure chest on a desert island?<br>
Pyrites of the Caribbean.</p>
<p class='other'>If you've seen one horned Sith lord, you've seen a Maul.</p>
<p class='math'>Did you know the Monty Hall problem is considered to be the G.O.A.T. math puzzle?</p>
<p class='other'>“Do you think he's compensating for something?”<br>
“No; sometimes a sick car is just a sick car.”</p>
<p class='math sci top'>Undergrads learn about Fourier transforms, and PhD students learn about five-year
transforms.</p>
<p class='music'>If you falsely accused a choir of only having sopranos, altos, and tenors, would it be a bassless
allegation?</p>
<p class='food'>If you're only willing to talk to your spouse through a colander, your relationship might be
strained.</p>
<p class='food'>My friend went wine tasting, and I feel chalice! In her pictures on Tumbler, she snifter wine
before drinking. I thought you goblet up – where'd my confusion stem from?</p>
<p class='math'>I had hoped they couldn't find a basis, but then they threw a spanner in the works.</p>
<p class='math'>What did the category theorist say to the group theorist?<br>
Quick, act naturally!</p>
<p class='lang holidays'>If the French had lost the World Cup final, I bet they would have said, “Soccer
bleu!”</p>
<p class='top hum'>You know that awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone, but you both keep walking in the
same direction? They should call that Much Adieu About Nothing.</p>
<p class='other'>My friend said he saw two copies of his physician and I thought, isn't that a paradox?</p>
<p class='top food sci'>What do you get if you move a Fig Newton one meter?<br>
A Fig Joule.</p>
<p class='other'>Where do bears that want to be hermits live?<br>
The bruindocks.</p>
<p class='top math'>If you had a black box algorithm to solve gradient descent, would you call it the Oracle of
∇φ?</p>
<p class='other'>Be careful to not get get addicted to sewing monks' clothing: it's habit forming.</p>
<p class='other'>Be careful scuba diving in the Rio Grande, because you could get Big Bends.</p>
<p class='holidays top'>I bet Alanis Morissette thinks the royal wedding is ironic, because it's like reign on your
wedding day.</p>
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<p class='food'>We had south Indian food for lunch today. It was a sambar occasion.</p>
<p class='food'>“Well, this dessert recipe didn't work. Luckily, I have a flan B!”</p>
<p class='food top'>I dreamt that I was eating Altoids that tasted like Fig Newtons – but they were just fig mints
of my imagination.</p>
<p class='music sci'>If they made a musical about Gregor Mendel, the lead would have to mind his peas and cues.</p>
<p class='other'>If you insulted someone who asked for directions, it would be diss orienting.</p>
<p class='other'>Americans want to drive on the right and the British want to drive on the left, but I'm sure we
could come to a middle-of-the-road compromise about it.</p>
<p class='sci'>Entropy is such a hot mess.</p>
<p class='hum'>If Sigmund Freud had become a dentist, he would've told his patients “Sit on the couch and tell me
about your fillings.”</p>
<p class='other'>A popular chandelier store is a fixture in its community.</p>
<p class='math music holidays'>Take C over (r times 2),<br>